So my arm looks like I've been attacked by a Razor Beast.

Here's a lesson, kids. Don't play "Bet I Can Touch Your Paw Without You Slicing Me All To Hell" with my cat. He's really good.

Why did I keep challenging him to best 2 out of 3?

I just made a joke about a bug I kept feeling tickling my leg that disappeared every time I went to look for it. This joke involved the phrase "Heisenbug Uncertainty Principle."

I was the only one laughing. (Hysterically.)

Tough crowd.

The highlight of my day was blacking out the "T" on Justin's carton of Morton Salt so that it now says Moron Salt. And then laughing about it for 2 hours.

I need a job.

Dear Girl Sitting Next to My Family on the Plane from Japan to LA,

As a mother of three, I know very well that it's important to keep oneself busy on trans-pacific flights, even if you do look to be 28 years old, and clutching a children's Nintendo DS like it's the one thing keeping this plane afloat. But I find myself concerned at the obscenities you keep periodically shouting out at the game you seem to be playing, and I wonder how I should explain them to my children.

Not only are they crude, but many are nonsensical. "Shit balls" makes literal sense, I suppose, but I doubt you are realizing the full visual effect it leaves on some innocent bysitters who are, say, trying to actually sleep on this flight. "Fuck a shit" is not actually something you can do, as far as I'm aware, but I'd rather not let my imagination run too far with that one. "Bowser, you Cock Fest" seems a little more jubilant if you disregard the tone of your voice, but you say it with such anger, I actually feel a little sorry for this Bowser character. And between you and me, I imagine a Cock Fest to be something a heterosexual female should quite enjoy, but I'm not here to judge.

And what alarms me further is the frequency of these obscenities. It's almost as if you're losing the same level at the same place, every single time. I've even caught you turning to me, shrugging your shoulders, and gesturing to the game incredulously, as if you intend for me to fully understand your frustration and agree with your exclamation of "Balls!"
I do not.

Since you clearly cannot get past this level on a game that, I remind you, is marketed towards 10 year olds, might I suggest loading up an easier game -- perhaps "Take a Picture of Pikachu," the rip-roaring action/adventure where you wander through some tall grass, trying to take a picture of that lovable yellow scamp. If THAT is too difficult, why not use that camera you keep taking out and sighing at, as you scan backwards through the pictures, and actually TAKE a picture of Pikachu. You can use my daughter's stuffed one. Just give the game a rest, so I can get some.

Oh, and would you mind not putting your hand on the window and looking out longingly with tears in your eyes every 10 minutes? You're frightening my children.

Regards,
The Woman Sitting Next to You