October 31, 2006
A Halloween treat brought to you by Scamp.
Halloween Scamp Part 1
Halloween Scamp Part 2
October 28, 2006
Justin: Tommy Lasorda was on the radio today. Do you know who he is?
Lauren: Duh, of course I do! He was the dad on "Mr. Belvedere."
Justin: Wait, isn't that the name of the new movie with Brad Pitt where he ages backwards?
Lauren: What?! I don't even think that movie exists. It was a TV show in the '80s about a British housekeeper who solved everyone's problems. Anyway, I think it was Bob Uecker.
Justin: Wanda Sykes was supposed to be in a similar show where she was a rich housekeeper, but she turned it down because it was too stupid.
Lauren: You know what she should be in? A remake of "Amen."
Justin: What's Amen?
Lauren: What were you doing in the '80s?! "Amen" was a show with Sherman Hemsley. It was funny because he was supposed to be religious, but he was actually kind of a sassy and sometimes a jerk. But everyone liked him anyway. You know what I mean?
Justin: Uhh...
Lauren: You know, like that one guy from "Deep Space Nine" with the weird ears.
Justin: Quark?
Lauren: Exactly like him.
October 26, 2006
So I found this letter I wrote to, um...a company who will remain nameless in text, but know that they are a major competitor of TiVo and they could probably google negative reactions to their product, trace it back to my account, and then delete all my "Forensic Files," replacing them with episodes of "Squidbillies," and then I'd be sorry.
I wrote this letter because I returned the TiVo I got for Christmas and bought their $300 product that promised a $100 rebate. By February, I still hadn't received it, and when I called customer support, they told me that my INTERNET order didn't go through on Christmas because "the office was closed and no one probably got it."
When I removed my palm from my forehead, I knew we were in for a long haul.
When it finally came, I sent in the receipt that I printed from their website along with the rebate form. They mailed me back and said that the receipt was not valid because it didn't prove my purchase.
So I wrote them this pleasant letter to inform them of their mistake.
=======================================
Dear < jerks >,
You denied my last rebate submission citing that I did not “include a receipt showing the purchase of a valid < jerky > DVR.”
I did, in fact, send the receipt that I printed upon purchasing it online, but perhaps because it was a large piece of printer paper and not a wee receipt from a retailer, some employee may have been confused. I purchased my < jerky product > online and being without an archaic roll of receipt paper feeding into my printer, I was unable to send your “typical-looking” receipt, and perhaps that is where the confusion lies.
I am sending the receipt again (labeled “1” for the page number), actually, practically the same exact one I sent last time that was denied. I simply pressed “Print” again.
I am also including the email confirmation I received (labeled “2” for the page number (the second page)).
Per the instruction of your customer support line, I have circled the important parts of the order on both pages, including my name, the item purchased, the date, and the authorization code.
I did not have a highlighter, like the representative suggested, so I hope the fact that I circled them does not void the rebate.
I circled them twice. Once in black pen, once in blue marker.
I wrote, “This is the receipt from the order page” on the bottom of page one (1) and “Email receipt” on page two (2). I see now that I spelled “receipt” incorrectly, and I hope that does not void my rebate.
I am sending this helpful guide letter, because when I first called your company after not receiving the < jerky product > I ordered over a month previously, the lady on the phone told me that the order did not go through because it was made “on a holiday and no one was at the office.” Given that some of your employees do not even have a basic understanding of how the Internet works, I can only assume that my rebate was initially denied because the printed confirmation was not sufficient or did not appear valid.
However, it is all I have, and I hope that this clears everything up.
I will be keeping in contact with customer support to track the process of potentially getting my rebate.
Understand that I only purchased this model because of the offered rebate, and though I have been nothing but satisfied with its features, I have no qualms about returning the model for its full value and simply waiting for a new rebate offer to come along and start this delightfully fun process over again.
Feel free to contact me at my email: < yep@emailhere.com > for any problems or issues or mistakes you think I have made. You can also write a letter to the four addresses supplied along pages one and two (and each circled twice).
Thank you for understanding and accepting my rebate submission.
Sincerely,
< My signature, and my printed name underneath -- printed REALLY NEATLY >
====================================
I shortly received said refund, which was a complete shock to me, because I had assumed all hope was lost and simply wrote the letter to let off some steam, since I figured a letter with such a snarky attitude would be ripped to shreds and fed to goats.
But they actually listened! Who knew?
I also took these pictures of my experience so they couldn't act like they didn't get the letter.
I still spell it wrong when I don't have a spellcheck present. (I love you, Firefox 2!)
Important signing face!
This happened two years ago, and I never posted it because I felt bad, since they actually came through for me, but now I post it for prosperity. Warning: You catch more bees with honey than by crushing them up until they sting you, or something. I actually once got my webhosting extended by a couple months because of my "calm demeanor and respectable attitude...(I hate the apparent fact that one must be rude and threatening in order to get compensation in anything!)" Sweet! I caught a bee!
October 24, 2006
Zhubin's blog has talked in the past of his fears that the Democratic party is slowly dissolving, or that he's lost his faith in their strength as half of the bi in "bipartisan." Or he could have been talking about something else. I have a hard time following most of what he says because he uses big words and references football a lot.
I've recently been having a private crisis of faith on this same topic, stemming mostly from fights I've had with my parents, like that one time I foolishly presented the argument that Fox news was indeed neither fair nor balanced, not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's really not and that's why they like it.
Thoughts on current administration and policy aside, I still believe in the basic, unbiased definition of what a Republican is, as laid out in my Political Science classes in college. I loved that class, not just because the professor refused to divulge his party to us, but because he taught the class in such a way that it was almost impossible for the layman (me) to tell. He mocked facets and touted benefits of each party and all but ignored the radical front-of-lecture-hall-sitters who clearly viewed this 101 class as their personal podium to push their agenda on the student body as a whole.
I hate that Republicans are viewed as either Nascar-loving, middle-American, eagle-with-a-tear-in-front-of-an-American-flag-tattoo-having yokels or stuffy fat white guys in suits. I hate that Democrats are viewed as tree-hugging, flag-burning, homosexual-loving but unwanted-fetus-hating hippies. I hate that my landlord, my co-workers, my friends laugh about how idiotic Republicans are and I feel guilty as I fake a smile and agree, "Heh, yeah, those Republicans sure do step on our morals daily, right, chums? Let's go watch Jon Stewart on our tofu-powered televisions!" just to fit in and not blow my cover. But I also hate how I can't mention the words "Sean Penn" or "Tim Robbins" without launching my parents into a hour-long tirade ultimately ending up with one of the three of us asking whether or not I was adopted.
I hate little kids who hate George Bush just as much as I hate little kids who love George Bush. It's so obvious to me that they're just being little parrots, and it makes me wonder how much of America is doing the same thing. I don't pretend to have all the answers or all the reasons why any party does anything. I never feel equipped to get into an argument about current policy, and I always sort of wonder why the other person thinks they are. Well, besides Zhubin, of course, 'cause he went to like Politic University in Washington, D.C. for heaven's sake!
But everyone else...it just makes me sad. I think they just watch and hilariously agree with Jon Stewart and hilariously disagree with Stephen Colbert, or sassily agree with Anne Coulter and sassily disagree with Wolf Blitzer or whoever the hell Republicans listen to. And that's another thing! The liberals get cool celebrities like Mr. Stewart and Michael Moore to tell them what's up, and who do conservatives get? Pat Robertson and Donald Rumsfeld? Yeah, great. Wonderful. Thanks, Republicans. Really helping out the image.
This celebrity jealousy stems into another category that I'm not even going to touch on, besides mentioning that it is the foundation of Adam Corolla's morning drive-time radio show. Every morning, he reminds us casual motorists that Atheists are the only people with logic left in America. This really makes me angry for some reason and makes me wish we silly God-believing people had someone just as rational and just as humorous to shove truth in our face derived from the same type of logic. But, seriously, Adam. We get you're an Atheist. You told us yesterday and the day before that. Now, can we get back to the jokes and the porn star interviews?
Anyway, you can imagine the existential argument I was having with myself as my hand quivered over my voter registration last weekend at the DMV. I won't say what I put, and you can have a Lady and the Tiger argument with yourself on whether I'm protecting myself against the ridicule of the majority of the internet or the ostracization of family members who read this site.
I just wish the whole topic were less polarizing. My friends constitute a rainbow of political parties, and we all get along just fine. I wish the world were more like South Park. I don't mind ridiculing both sides, then eventually revealing one to be the more valid stance based not on religion, not on popular opinion, but on logic, plain and simple.
October 23, 2006
I was minding my own, at Wendy's drive through the other day, when I happened to glance at the woman in the car behind me. She was on her cellphone. At a drive through.
I guess in today's day and age, that wouldn't be viewed as anything weird, but the first thought that came to mind was horror that she would have let someone hear her order. The next thing that came to mind was the possibility that she was a nice, normal person who ordered a nice, simple meal. Unlike me.
I try to hang up every time I order because I don't care to share with my potential friend on the other end that I will only eat a hamburger well-done, with extra pickles, Biggie size, with a Dr. Pepper, and a small chili, and DON'T YOU FORGET THE SOUR CREAM OR CHILI SAUCE, BECAUSE THEN WHAT'S THE POINT? And that's an easy meal.
And no, I don't actually eat that much in one sitting. I very frequently dine with the price hump in mind. You know the price hump. The magical capitalistic theory that someone would be crazy enough to spend $9 on a small pizza, but then only $10 on a medium, or $11 on a large. Also known on the movie theater circuit as "No, I do NOT want to upsize for just 25 cents. Who could drink that much in two hours without spending 1/3 of it in the bathroom?"
So, to compensate getting over this price hump, I go out of my way to order bigger meals with the knowledge that I could have virtually the same meal a second night in a row without paying for gas, tip, or price hump.
But it never looks cool on Chinese food day at work. I order in bulk on a Friday to prepare myself for the weekend, all while my co-workers stare at me and quietly shuffle off to phone HR and tell them to raise our medical insurance premiums due to my impending heart attack.
Then our poor receptionist gets to order the simple "General Tso" or "Sweet and Sour Chicken" for everyone else on the list, but when it gets to me, it's Cream Cheese Wontons, Vegetable Egg Roll, and Asian Chicken Salad with dressing on the side (so it doesn't get all wilty), no rice sticks (because those are gross), and double crispy wontons (because I'm not paying for rice sticks if I'm not getting them!). And, if I'm feeling feisty, maybe one of those gross Boba drinks with the Tapioca balls in them that Chinese restaurants love to serve to us and then laugh as we actually drink them
Also, I don't like people listening to me order at drive throughs, because I have too many hippie healthy-eating friends, and they make me feel guilty for audibly drooling in the middle of a conversation whenever I pull up to Carl's Jr. for a chicken sandwich. Which is often.
October 19, 2006
My lists of daily crap to do are getting longer by the day. The reasons for most of my absence will become clear pretty soon in the form of new t-shirts and other various sundries for this very website. But one reason is that, to a knitter, Christmastime is never far enough away. Therefore, one must keep their craft honed by knitting various amphibious animals in fashionable Fall wear.
That said, without further ado, I give you Francois the Fall Frog!
October 10, 2006
I may seem sleek and suave to you, the reader on the other side of the screen, but in reality, I am just a simple chump trying not to make a moron of myself on a day-to-day basis. At this, I fail miserably.
Maybe someone can help me out with this first anecdote. I was happily shopping in Target with Justin the other day, when we passed a goth guy. Now, this is a common sight in LA and I assume plenty of other places, but this wasn't the average goth I usually see. This goth lad was 6'5" if he was an inch, dressed head to toe in classic black, which a t-shirt loudly proclaiming something to the effect of "CHRISTIAN LIES" or "RELIGION IS SHEEP" or "NOT ENOUGH HUGS IN CHILDHOOD, OR PERHAPS TOO MANY FROM CERTAIN MEMBERS OF CLERGY."
At any rate, I was trying to be respectful of this person and not stare, as I try to grant everyone who scares me just a little, but I couldn't help noticing him. His face was painted entirely white like a geisha, and he had black lipstick, black eyeliner, and probably a number of facial piercings which would prevent him from applying at such jobs as "Disneyland Team Member" and attract him to jobs such as "Hot Topic Person Looking Bored And Better Than You Behind the Counter."
His hair was something I can only describe as flock of seagulls meets Edward Scissorhands. I would have loved to get a glimpse at what he was purchasing at Target, but it was no doubt something xXHardCoreXx like Maalox or Fabric Softener.
So clearly, I was failing at averting my eyes, since I can practically describe him for a police sketch artist, but these were FURTIVE glances from behind and far to the side. It then struck me later that...he wasn't attacked and forced to dress like this. He sat at his house/basement/lair in front of the mirror, applying the white geisha makeup for his big trip to Target on purpose! Okay, maybe Target wasn't his last stop, but he certainly didn't expect NOT to be noticed. A shy person who hates attention wears, you know, bland colors and baggy clothes or something. A hat and Groucho Marx glasses. Not this.
Now, I consider myself a pretty open-minded person, and many of my friends happen to be of the black-wearing persuasion. I tried not to judge this person, but the way he was dressed sort of assaulted me into categorizing him. I'm probably the type of "square" or "sheep" or "cog" in the "machine" he's "raging against," so my views of him are probably just what he'd think I'd have, but come on. If I wanted to buck the system from categorizing me as the nerd that I am, I might start by throwing out the pocket protector and graphic calculator and quit starting conversations using lines from esoteric "Star Wars" fan fictions.
Was there anything else I should have thought in that situation? I suppose a truly open-minded person would have seen him as "just another guy in a store."
My second, shorter, anecdote comes from my trip to Borders last night. A girl with a shaved head and pierced nose (septum) rang me up. No big deal. That sort of comes with the town, and I love LA especially for its diversity. Much more refreshing than the polo-wearing sycophants that work Borders in Pittsburgh. I'll take "could take me in a fight" to "ass-kissing sycophant" any day.
We joked lightly about the stack of mystery novels I was purchasing, but she genuinely looked like she would rather work or be anywhere else in the world than there. Looking back, I realize that what she called after me was probably "Have a nice night." But I swear to you that I heard nothing other than "Have a knife fight!"
Of course, I did my classic "burst into laughter at an inappropriate time in front of strangers" routine, and heartily wished her one too as I tried to sprint out the door.
Never boring, this town.
October 08, 2006
Okay, opinions.
I'm branching out some stuff for buzz-wear, and I'd like your opinions on which of these bumper stickers I should make first or at all. Comment with your favorite, or order of your favorites, or which ones I should mentally crumple up and feed to a goat.
Thanks!
October 05, 2006
You know who I'm getting sick of hearing about?
Zach Braff.
That's all I have to say about that.
So, don't tell the DMV, but I am driving on borrowed time. When I moved out here, I had JUST renewed my Pennsylvania registration, and damned if I was gonna pay for that again. I actually attempted to take the driver's test a few times, but I kept getting to the DMV "only" an hour before they closed, and I would never have gotten through the line in time.
I have yet to understand why all the modern conveniences of this grown-up world we live in are only open during the times when we grown ups are working to make the money to afford aforementioned conveniences.
Post offices, banks, insurance companies...all of these are ONLY open during the 8 hours I happen to be at work. Even my gym only teaches any classes from the hours of 8-4. Seriously, maybe I'm just a newfangled, forward-thinking girl, but is the world really populated by housewives? Does anyone think that maybe a girl with a job would also like to take that pilates class or mail a letter? And, no offense to any readers who have such jobs, but post office workers and bankers aren't exactly the elite of society. Would it be so hard to have them work from 5-midnight? I used to be a waitress, and I worked any damn hours anyone wanted to eat. Yeah, it sucked, but guess what. If we were only open from 9:30-noon, we probably wouldn't have made the big bucks that enabled half the staff to continue their heroin habits. Won't someone please think of the smackheads?
But I digress. After camp ended and now, after Kameron's wedding, I have stopped my seemingly monthly trips back to Pittsburgh and I can no longer claim my made-up stance of dual-state citizenship, I really need to hunker down and just take the damn test. Surprise! The DMV is only open one Saturday a month! Ooh, and also, the three ones closest to me are mysteriously closed until mid October. I discovered this last month. So my registration expired on the first of this month, and I'm unable to get to any DMV until at least October 21, which is the one Saturday all DMVs are open.
So now I have to study for this stupid test regardless of the fact that NO ONE IN CALIFORNIA KNOWS WHAT A BLINKING RED LIGHT MEANS. I swear to God, if anyone knows what it is, I just happen to be stuck behind the same idiots every single day. They just sit there, waiting for a green, perhaps distracted by the pretty blinking, while I am behind them in the next car trying to kill them with the power of my mind.
So, yeah, I guess I'm taking the test in a couple weeks. Wish me luck. I'll let you know how it turns out. Unless I fail it, in which case I will post that I fell down a flight of stairs and was unable to take the test that day.
October 02, 2006
So, when I was in college and I'd get nervous about stuff like finals or, you know, my future, I'd break out in canker sores. Little nervous ulcers that would appear in no less than pairs and sometimes more than 4 at a time. Luckily, they only stayed for about 24 hours and a little over-the-counter medication usually did the trick.
Due to the proceedings in the last week of work, I have had 3 huge canker sores for going on 5 days now. Yes, it's gross, but it's not herpes. It's just some bodily reaction I get when I try to pretend I'm not stressed out. This is the worst it's ever been, though.
I've been applying the medication, which gives me a minimal amount of relief for about half an hour, until I open my mouth to say something, and instead break into tears from the pain.
Also, a fun side-effect of the medicine is the numbing of my mouth, which not only makes me drool for a few minutes, but then goes on to slur my speech as if I were drunk/wearing a retainer/suddenly training to become a ventriloquist and trying to talk without moving my mouth. Haha, aren't I a catch, fellas?
Seriously, though, it may be helping me lose weight, since I can't eat anything salty, citrusy, bitter, or any other type of food. I've gotten around this by numbing my mouth entirely, then shoving large pieces of food in my mouth and swallowing them whole before the numbness wears off. This has been less than successful in terms of both digestion and not choking.
The antiseptic taste of the medication is also retroactively making me feel sick, kind of like when I eat saltines and ginger ale, which is what I used to eat when I had the flu as a kid. I may or may not actually be sick, but suffice it to say this has not been a fun chapter in my book of health.
In conclusion, I'd better get a raise.