May 24, 2006
I was going to write about all the things I'd like to happen to Paris Hilton, but all I could really come up with was Westley's Pain Speech from "Princess Bride."
To refresh:
"To the pain," means the first thing you lose will be your feet below the ankles, then your hands at the wrists, next your nose...The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by the right...Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish, every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears.
The only thing I would change is the whole eye losing thing, because I think Paris Hilton probably has the imagination of a dead hippo, and I'd like her to actually see all the people recoiling in horror at her.
Ooh, ooh, I just thought of a better thing I'd like to happen to her! How about all the sin punishments from "Seven" (or "Se7en," if you're pretentious) happening to her simultaneously! Well, except that I don't think she should kill the Kevin Spacey because he brings more to society than she does. Wait, I didn't mean Kevin Spacey, I meant his character, the psychopathic serial killer. But yeah, all the other stuff, getting fat, sex with razor blades, nose cut off, all that sounds jim dandy. And also being envious of Brad Pitt, perhaps because he's famous for an actual reason.
Come up with your own terrible things to do to Paris Hilton! It's fun!
You can even come up with things that weren't featured in movies!
May 21, 2006
Update: If you came here via Google looking for TLG Hotline, read how I got rid of the charges here.
Here is what I did last week.
On Monday I printed out an angry letter to a company called TLG Hotline for charging me $9.99 on my credit card for 5 months. I didn't approve this charge, of course, because the company is a bunch of thieving jerks. They offer "credit card" protection, and you better believe my angry letter contained the phrase, "I would gladly pay some other company $9.99 to protect me from YOU." I did not sign up for their crappy service, and I'm not sure why it took me 5 months to notice the charges, but I will get it back if it kills me. I also sent in a fax, which they said they didn't receive. I plan on calling them every day this week to see if they got the letter yet.
On Tuesday, I called H&R Block, because they promised me a full refund after awful, awful service. I probably sound like a complainer a lot, but not only could my tax preparer not speak English, but she made so many mistakes on the computerized form -- like listing my employer as "Lauren" and their phone number as my address -- that she routinely handed the keyboard to me to fill it out correctly. And when I say "couldn't speak English," I don't mean had a hard time pronouncing "Internal Revenue Service," I mean we had to communicate in ninja sign language.
So anyway, I was promised a full refund, which I politely declined because the managerey person helped me immensely, but she insisted. Then, as a cruel test of ethics, they didn't actually GIVE me the refund. I am now pressed with the quandary of paying the money, like I would have had she accepted my refusal, or demanding it back and admitting that my refusal was a bluff.
On Wednesday, my mom had to call Sprint because I got a new phone and they charged me all sorts of ridiculous fees like "new phone fee" and "made-up fee." She got them all taken away. Someday I'll be as good as her.
On Thursday, I had to call DISH Network because, even though they won't speak to me, as I am not the account holder, our remote has been broken since the day we got it, and it finally broke beyond all use. Our landlord called on the previous Thursday to report this and get another, and it still hadn't come. I was merely calling to insist that my landlord -- who is too polite to ask for such things -- get at least 1/8 of her bill for this month refunded, since we can't use the service at all without a remote.
First they told me that they couldn't give me any information about the account holder, to which I replied, "I don't WANT any information about the account holder. I want information from YOU." Then they told me that they had no record of my landlord calling in, so I asked them if they were calling my landlord a liar. Sometimes I don't think I ever matured past 7th grade. They said that they were, because they had no record of it, and I said something about their mothers; I don't remember what.
Of course, after I hung up, we talked to our landlord, who in fact HAD called and had a ticket number to prove it. However, when she called back, they told her that, yeah, they did have it on record that the remote was broken, but hadn't planned on sending another one out, why, did we want one? They thought we were just keeping them up-to-date of the broken things in our house.
On Friday, I called Sprint myself because my phone had gotten a magical bug wherein a white bar appeared across the top of my new phone. When this happened, my set alarms didn't go off. This was a problem because, since I don't trust electricity, I use my phone as my primary alarm. I actually have 4 alarms total set, but that's another story. I depend on my phone, and I was upset because I opted not to pay $6 a month for insurance. They reprimand me every time I call, but I feel that owning something expensive is a responsibility, and I've taken enough care of my last two phones. I'd rather try a little bit harder to not drop my phone in the toilet than end up paying for the phone twice and maybe not even end up using the insurance to get a new phone.
Insurance is for people like my brother who skied over his own iPod. I can't even begin to imagine the physics that must have been involved in that one, but I'm happy because it resulted in the trade with him of my iPod for a brand-nex Xbox.
Anyway, the phone malfunctioning doesn't have to do with insurance, it's warranty.
Next week, I have to call the H&R Block people back, because they referred me to a district manager to help me with my refund, and of course they're only open on Mondays from 9:00 A.M. to 9:10 A.M., so I have to take a break from work to get something done that someone else was paid to do and didn't.
Then I have to call my health insurance company who has charged me twice for a visit that I already paid for. Not only that, but I called both my insurance company AND my doctor a month ago to make sure that I was doing it correctly. Before when I went to the doctor, I paid my copay and that was it. The magical real bill got sent to my insurance company, and they took care of it. You know, like a real company would.
My new insurance company with my delightful new parent company of my delightful employer sends me a CHECK for the amount they are supposed to pay the doctor, so I get to pay for a stamp and sign over the check to the doctor myself.
It's sort of like me going to Wendy's, ordering a delicious Frosty, then sending my money to my mom in Pittsburgh, and having her send the check back to Wendy's.
Thing is, the check wasn't for the full amount, and there was a $40 difference. I called the insurance company and the doctor, and they both promised me that I wouldn't be responsible for the $40, and my doctor was just happy to have the business, since so many insurance companies have different rates.
Guess what this bill asks for! $40!
I also get to look over my paycheck from my delightful wonderful parent company of my delightful company to see if they've made a third mistake in the last three paychecks I've gotten. It scares me that I can find these things, and it makes me wonder what I'm not finding.
I swear, sometimes I wish I were in 7th grade again.
I'd also like to point out that with all these complaints and angry letters I send out, I try to balance the universe. If I have really good service at a restaurant or with a customer service rep on the phone, I always ask to speak to a supervisor, and I tell them about my great service.
I just don't know how the rest of the world deals with it. Do all these things just happen to me, or do these companies just screw everyone and hope they don't notice?
May 18, 2006
I am here to teach a few people a few things about life. I've seen the following societal rules ignored by the general populace recently, and on the off-chance they stumble upon this blog, I have a thing or two to teach them. Who knows, you might learn something, too!
- Elevators
My company recently decided to stop trusting simple spreadsheets quoting our hours and has decided to implement a clocking-in system. I have taken that lack of trust as a slap in the face, and I no longer come in a few minutes early to set up, because clocking in early is "not preferred." Now, it's a mad rush from the car to my computer at 8:00 A.M. so as not to be there for a second I'm not being paid for.
I say that to say this. I am no longer The Nice Girl Who Holds The Elevator for people.
Look, there are three elevators for an 8-floor building. Don't clack your heels frantically down the lobby because I'm not holding the door for you or your 12 friends behind you. Look, you dropped all your files. You think I'm holding it for you now? Someone else will come eventually. Why don't I hold the doors open until 9:00, so I can catch every person who comes?
Another elevator will come in negative 3 seconds. That is not an exaggeration.
And, you, Mr. Scowlsworth. Don't give me the stink eye just because you work on the 8th floor and I work on the 2nd. No, I can't take the stairs, because they are protected by an alarm. Trust me, I've tried.
I never take elevators if I can help it, because I never get out of the office to work out, so shut it, and wait the extra second for me to get off at the 2nd floor.
- Traffic Lights
Look, I don't know how you did it on the mother planet, but here a blinking red light means stop, then PROCEED WITH CAUTION. It does not mean stop forever and MAKE ME LATE. It's nearly 7:59, and I'm trying to avoid Scowlsworth! Perhaps on your planet a blinking red light means "stop until all three suns align," but here it means "I am a very expensive electronic stop sign," now move it!Don't even get me started on the magical California red left-turn arrows.
That's it. I had some more complaints, but they really pale in comparison to those. I could mention my unending anger towards people who say "supposably" and "fermiliar," but that doesn't really count as etiquette, unless it's against social etiquette for me to punch you in the mouth. In my book, that's considered a formal greeting.
May 15, 2006
I think I might actually spend more time deleting spam from my blog than I actually do blogging.
It's pretty hard playing for three teams.
I used to have a livejournal to use as an outlet for my personal life too personal for this blog, but then I realized that I'm not all that interesting, and it's laid dormant for years. I do however rack up the occasional "Which Harry Potter Character would you be if you had a strange illness that only Dr. Gregory House could cure using only the tools available on the island in Lost?" quiz to keep my college friends I haven't talked to in four years up-to-date with my quiz-taking. (Answer: Ron Weasley with leprosy cured by a mysterious leaf.)
I have another livejournal that I use solely for looking at pictures of kitties and making fun of bad tattoos, and people with poor grammar. I am particularly proud of a comment I recently made mocking a news article wherein I used the phrase "William Shatner School of Journalism." Yes.
I have a MySpace account, which I use mainly for mocking other people's MySpace accounts. I was about to write an article mocking all the Pittsburgh comics for having MySpaces which don't...actually...contain any information other than the fact that they have 15 friends, and Tom is in their Top 8. Then I realized that, well, *my* MySpace doesn't contain very much else, so I guess we won't have a scathing black pot/kettle dialogue.
Oh, and speaking of Pittsburgh comics, Tom Kupiek, Tom Kupiek, Brett Pintado, Brett Pintado. There, you can stop googling yourselves.
So this update was to inform everyone that although I technically have 3 blogs, I don't actually update any of them, so don't feel bad.
I'm under a cloud of paperwork! I'm working overtime! I'm trying to raise a cat that doesn't scratch my face off!
May 08, 2006
So I was reading this news article about a poor young Colorado girl who was hit by an ambulance. Tragic story. The article describes the accident, the scene, and the girl's life. I particularly appreciated the level of personal depth the media went into this one. AND I QUOTE:
"On her MySpace.com Web site page, Hannah had posted that she drives a Honda Civic. She also said she defies "the stereotype of the typical teenager" and didn't drink. She also listed her mother, father, brother and sister as her heroes."
For the first time, MySpace is actually listed in a news article NOT about how soon you will get killed the second you sign up for MySpace. Unless the ambulance was driven by a sex offender pedophile under the MySpace handle XxSurfinBoulderDudexX, but that may be another article. What shocked me about this is that they actually researched her life NOT by asking her family and friends, but by MySpacing her.
This leads me to worry about what sorts of things might end up in obituaries for me or people I know if handed to a lazy reporter at 7:00 on a Friday night.
Lauren Kitsune was tragically hit by a police car earlier this week. She would like theme songs from various Discovery Channel shows played at her funeral, as they were her favorite kind of music. She loved them her whole life, ever since she was born in either Illinois or Missouri.
Lauren's cousin Jordan, or J-Jo, as probably everyone called her, was struck earlier today by a metro bus. She is quoted as saying that she's "kind of a big deal," which leads this reporter to believe that she co-starred in the movie "Anchorman" with Will Ferrell. We only hope that up in heaven, she will meet who she is quoted as always wanting to meet: "BOYZ!"
Felicia, Lauren's old roommate was tragically killed on Sunday by plowing into a 747 crash-landing on the freeway. The crash occurred in Pittsburgh, even though her MySpace suggests she lived in Wyoming. All Wyoming residents have been notified of her death, and 3 of them said they didn't know her, while the other 2 just inexplicably beat up a gay person.
Apok was sadly squished the other day by a speeding hearse. He joined MySpace to meet your mom. We're actually fairly certain he was already dead for a few months before this crash.
Sean, Lauren's ex-boyfriend, was killed by a busload of Zombies traveling to Spring Break. Ironically, according to his MySpace, that is precisely what he feared the most. He is also quoted as often saying, "You’re confusing love with dog fighting." So true. So true.
So, I hope I've persuaded you journalism hopefuls to do your homework right! This isn't college! You can't write published material using MySpace as a credible research reference. That's what wikipedia is for.
May 02, 2006
Well, my mom has all the cool pictures on her camera, so I'll have to wait to compile all the fun we had in a photo blog for later. My biggest regret was not getting a picture with Samuel L. Jackson, who totally caught me gawking at him, but he ran and hid before anyone could snatch him for a picture. Damn it. I was going to pretend to be a snake on a motherfucking plane.
But who did I get? Well, you'll just have to wait and see!
Until then, I provide you with this crappy content.
I have seen a list of life goals on other people's sites, and I thought it was a pretty good idea. Also, it feeds my obsessive list-making compulsion, and oh, man, how much fun will it be to move the goals into the "accomplished" pile?! SO much fun!
I also just made this crappy avatar to garner a fanbase for my most favoritest show ever, "The 4400," which is premiering its third season in June after a year hiatus.
If you haven't seen it, turn on USA sometime, because I think they're replaying the first two seasons. And the last episode of the second season ended on a cliffhanger THE LIKES OF WHICH HAVE NEVER BEEN SEEN! Oh, man, what's gonna happen?!?
And for you sci-fi ladies, "the 4400" gives you a chance to see this beautiful man. Oh, and hot aliens from another dimension.(?)
