January 29, 2006
I was over on the skullz.org forums, and Joe had posted a list of the seven hot women he would want to be trapped on an island with.
I wanted to make a list of my own, but I was upset that it had to be a sexy sex island. Many of you don't know Joe, and I personally love the guy, but I once saw him lose a fight with a plastic clothes hanger.
He put up a good fight, but how is he going to forage through the wilderness if he spends all his time making out with Mena Suvari?
Sure, he could use her forehead to reflect light into passing airplanes, but what about when the boars come?
And the girls, sure, they can have all the makeouts they want, but who's going to braid your hair and talk about periods? Not Brad Pitt, that's for sure.
So I have come up with my own island.
Joe's rules dictated 7 people of your opposing sexual preference, but I bent the rules a little and traded my last male in for 3 lovely ladies.
This probably doesn't help my whole heterosexuality bid, but I can nonsexually find women attractive and still ask them to braid my hair.
So without further ado, my island members.
David Boreanaz from TV's "Buffy" and some other shows I don't watch:
Bryan Dattilo from TV's "Days of Our Lives."
Josh Holloway from TV's "Lost":
Harrison Ford circa 1985:
Richard Kahan from TV's "The 4400":
And my ladies:
Farah Fath from TV's "Days of Our Lives":
Fairuza Balk from various movies where she plays a smoky-voiced witch:
Alyson Hannigan from "Buffy" and various movies where she breathes at inappropriate times in the middle of sentences:
So there you have it.
What a wacky island we'll have.
Ooh, and maybe we can solve crimes, too.
Yes...yes...
January 23, 2006
Is Robert Smith from the Cure satisfied or unsatisfied with his love life?
I've been listening to the Cure a lot lately, and he seems to have the same wailing whether he's singing about dancing on clouds or stabbing his wrists.
Don't get me wrong, I like him, but show a little range, man.
Happy? No wailey.
Today, I'm going to complain about pimps.
No, not the lovable backhanding, low-ridin' ho peddlers, I'm talking about people who peddle themselves all over town. This happens most obviously on the internet, but it also spills over into real life only slightly less shamefully.
You know the type.
They leave you a comment on your myspace or your blog or your forum, but they don't let you rely on old-fashioned name recognition to remember them.
No, with them it's always...
Yeah, I totally agree with you!
--Joey Joe Joe
www.joeyjoejoe.com
"It's like 3 'Joe's with a Y in there!
Y? Because I offer 3 times the laughs!"
OR
HAVE A GREAT DAY!!
FROM LOUIS THE MUSICIAN
Visit my new site -- louisthemusician.livejournal.com
Now with shitty samples!
"I like music a lot."
You people make me sick. Comedians, musicians, actors, any people who have to sell themselves do this all the time, and I can understand having to make a living and Get Your Name Out There, but you know what? I've seen your shtick 1,000 times. Maybe write a new joke or learn to play more than 4 chords, and I'll drive an hour to see your 2-minute act in your grandmother's basement because you sent an email to all 400 people on your yahoo group.
Friends are a slight exception.
If you're in a play or you need a friend to buy your new CD, sure, I'll be there for you, but even I had to stop some of my Eat N Park friends to stop coming to my open mics because I had a sense of decency.
"Stay at home with your children," I would plead. "It's the same douchebags, me included, and none of us have written any new jokes, AND you'll probably get sexually harassed while you're there." God bless them for being so supportive, but no one should be forced into this stuff.
A story. There was a really cool guy that I had a ridiculous crush on freshman year in college. For our purposes, I'll call him "Steve," because that was his name.
He was in the theater and intimidated me unintentionally with his brilliance at acting and just about everything else.
Sometime around fall, he leapt in front of me while I was walking through the student dining area and invited me to see the play currently being performed at the theater.
Now, I'm not a moron. I knew he wasn't inviting me. I realized that it was his duty as a member of the theater to hawk tickets, but I was flattered that he recognized me from hanging around the theater and doing theatery things.
Plus, he hadn't bounced out in front of the other plebeians. He playfully -- okay, you get the picture. It was cute.
I got there, and, okay, he was busy with theatery stuff and maybe didn't see my wave, but he was a junior! I hardly expected a hug.
Only I didn't really see him for a while after that.
Happily, I saw him again in the spring, when he gave me another playful punch and...invited me to the spring show! Another chance to -- you see where this is going.
He relied on our loose friendship only as a warm body to sit in a seat.
I see this all the time.
MySpace breeds it.
Some friend you didn't even want to talk to in high school friends you and signs each of their daily comments (with giant sparkling animated gifs) with their address and a request to watch their band play or download their movie or give them your kidney.
I have ex-boyfriends I haven't talked to in over 10 years add me and want to send messages back and forth, and I wonder: Didn't we break up 10 years ago because you didn't feel like keeping in touch?
And faux friends aren't even the worst.
How about good old Napoleon Dynamite's myspace?! I haven't looked it up, but I'll bet it has the words "GOSH" or "LUCKY!" somewhere on it! Or Ben Folds and his 20 billion friends? I don't think Ben got your message that you "<3" him, SEXXY TINA69, but keep on trying. You'll probably be best friends forever someday soon.
And if on the off chance he or any of the other celebrities comment back, it's just to tell you the new thing they want from you.
That's just lazy marketing, people!
I don't know how many garage bands from Milwaukee I've declined being friends with, but I know I've saved my comments from endless invitations to their gigs.
I only have the guts to say this because I have a pretty good feeling about who reads this site, and I know none of the people I care about do it.
My comedian friends have their dignity, but when I read my comedian friends' comedian friends' comments, it's like staring at a dirty, dirty whore -- if instead of sex, whores had awful people telling awful jokes.
Every jokester out there has comment diharea, and I can't watch a day pass without:
Hey, pal, 1st comment of your Tuesday!
Speaking of Tuesdays, what's the deal with airline food?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Also, Monica Lewinsky!
And why do I keep reading every day if it makes me so mad?
Because then what would I have to complain about? Nothing.
No, it's not that.
I just want to see some geniune friendship once in a while.
Steve, I knew you were out of my league. Even when you dated the hot British girl a year younger than me, I didn't blame you. But a comment my way about something that didn't depend on me doing a favor for you, no matter how small, was all I wanted.
Stand up for your right to real friendship, blog readers! And please leave my blog a comment to wish me a happy Tuesday and buy my new CD. When I make one.
January 19, 2006
This Christmas, instead of the usual macaroni-on-construction-paper heartfelt gifts, I went with something even snazzier. Oh, it's possible.
Bread Dough Christmas Ornaments!
I guess it's a shame that there's no year-round practical application for ornaments, because I had a lot of fun making them.
Ideas anyone has for a refrigerator full of crafting dough?
(Besides eating, my hilarious chaps, this dough has more salt than the briny deep. Yarr.)
January 18, 2006
As a general rule, I make a lot of faces.
When I went to Switzerland alone for a month, I used to entertain myself on those lonely nights by making faces at myself in the mirror.
No, that's not a joke.
Well, it's a joke, but it's a true joke.
But I am a very animated person, even when people aren't watching.
Make that especially when people aren't watching.
Actually, when people are watching, I'm actually sort of shy and try to hide behind the nearest potted plant/inside the nearest Eskimo jacket.
Let me submit a couple embarrassing situations for your approval.
Scenario 1:
I'm sitting alone at my desk, but I'm situated in such a way that anyone walking behind me could see my face.
I am one of 9 people in my office, so "anyone walking behind me" is sort of a once-every-two-hours thing.
I get a phone call wherein I talk to someone who makes me nervous, ie. a supervisor, a client, one of my elders, one of my youngers, an intelligent sheep who has learned to dial a phone.
I am very chipper during the conversation, feigning energy and cheerfulness because shy people get nowhere...or so I once learned in a Dilbert comic.
At the end of the conversation I wish them a happy time of day, hang up the phone, roll my eyes, and let out a built-up nervous breath larger than that of a professional flutist and collapse dramatically on my desk.
At which point a colleague materialises behind me with an, "I-I brought you a fax...but I can, uh -- I can come back later."
Scenario 2:
I am sitting alone in the lunchroom.
I unpack my bag and realize that the nagging feeling that I forgot something that morning was in fact the good Dr. Pepper and his prescription for delicious.
Naturally to vent my frustration, I raise my hands into fists and quietly mimic a classic Captain Kirk:Khan::Darth Vader:NOOOO! just as Trendy Pretty Office Girl strolls in for her afternoon cuppa joe.
NOOO!
Scenario 3:
I am talking with a person who makes me nervous.
They crack a joke as I'm walking away that I don't entirely understand.
I chuckle to acknowledge the joke as I walk down the hall, but as soon as it dies down, I roll my eyes at myself and let out another breath of nervousness for being too stupid to get the joke.
Since I don't wear glasses at work sitting in front of a computer all day, I haven't seen the Joke Originator's BFF walking up to me from the other end of the hall, no doubt thinking I was rudely making fun of the J.O.
Or, if they even remotely know me, they'll understand that this is just another day at the workplace for Nervous Nellie.
Actually, she sits next to me. I'm "Lauren that Weirdo."
January 16, 2006
Contrary to popular opinions I have made up in my head that you people say about me, I actually don't sit around on my lazy ass all day.
It's just that none of it is INTERESTING.
I psych myself out and neglect to update because it won't be "funny enough," but you know what? I'm not here for YOU, internet!
Okay, so I totally am.
But here's the deal.
I'll give you some more-frequent daily drivel to read and promise to make it as interesting as I can.
No, I'm not meeting Comedy Central all-stars anymore, nor am I traveling to exotic alpine countries, but I AM knitting a sweet scarf and petting a sweet cat. Then I am working to prevent said cat from eating said scarf.
I am also drowning my sorrows in Lost and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. My sorrows, or course, being: Boo hoo, I'm not watching Lost or Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I love you all.
January 13, 2006
--I get woozy around 2:00 if I haven't eaten a ham sandwich and cheetos.
12:00 if I didn't have Cocoa Krispies in the morning.
--Boring backstory. I haven't even watched my childhood lover get shot while kissing his lucky alcoholic pregnant sister.
--No kitties on the island to pet. Subsequent rage leads to shooting spree.
--Already dead from heart attack during crash.
--Crush on everyone on island. Yes, even Sawyer. Yes, even Hurley.
Yes, even Insane French Lady.
--Wifi accessible?
--Don't much care for water.
--No fresh Dr. Pepper springs.
--Just my luck. PS2 and all my games make it. Memory card lost at sea.
--Contribute nothing to makeshift society. I know all the words in the original cast AND movie remake of Evita. Guys? The world needs music!
--Nagging hypochondria leads Jack to stab me with a palm frond. You're part of the problem now, Doc!
--No Tivo. Pro: No commercials anyway on desert island. Con: No way to replay Sawyer chopping bamboo with his shirt off in slow-mo.
And to wrap it all up, I give to you my rendition of what's on the island.
ROBOTIC ROLLER-DINOS CHASING POLAR BEARS! LOOK OUT!
January 08, 2006
I have a very suspicious feeling that Phenominet is run by a 13-year-old named Jason out of his parents' basement.
You probably don't care about my saga, but the world should know!
They actually did respond by email only after I gave them an angry telephone call that they said they would return in one business day and -- surprise! -- they didn't!
And here's the response:
"Actually there was a bug in our database that was preventing the fix from
working (and the response from going out). Sorry about that. I have
increased the disk quota temporarily, and I'll include below a listing of
the disk space usage for your website. Thanks!"
For those of you playing at home, they spoke of a magical bug that delayed their response, they did NOT tell me what the actual problem was with the php script, and they proceeded to give me a list of my usage in directories (instead of files).
That's sort of like going to a doctor with a broken foot, then having him A) not talk to you for four days while you sit in his office, B) pretend he was stricken with a vocal chord disease, but it suddenly was cured, C) tape a new leg on to the side of yours that will fall off in a month, and D) give you a detailed list of the importance of your various limbs.
So, I foolishly/curiously/just wanted a chance to be an ass sent them another email about whether or not I had any referrals, since Ashmen informed me I had at least one, which I thought gave me some kind of bonus. I wondered how many -- if any -- other people had signed up under me for which I hadn't seen a dime.
I'm not greedy, but especially after this, I'm going to stop subjecting other people to their evil ways, and they should at least give me credit for doing so up until now.
I sent them another email which -- surprise -- wasn't returned either.
Here is my last attempt at being Mr. Nice Guy.
"Yeah, I sent this email to you 2 days ago, and you haven't responded.
If you could do that, that would be GREEEEEAT.
If you have a magical "bug" in your system that is deleting your
emails, like you said was the reason your last email didn't come
through, might I suggest signing up for the wonderful world of gmail?
I have just sent you an invite!
Here is the original email.
AAAAAAALLLLL you have to do is reply!
Someone there has an answer! If you don't know it, ask them!
If you are sending a response, and wonder whether or not *I'm* getting
it, include the following line in your response:
"Please respond if you get this response."
AND I WILL RESPOND! See how communication works?
So, without further ado, the original email.
--Lauren
PS -- Please respond.
=============
You have a referral deal, right?
How many referrals would one have to get before they get something back?
I ask because a few people have come to me saying they'd listed me,
and I was wondering if you have records of it.
I looked around the FAQ and saw nothing about it, but I am in the referral list.
Thanks.
--Lauren
user: kitsune"
I really don't want to go through getting a new host, but I recently did a little research and got a little too excited about what is offered out there.
But that would require a bit of work, I don't like working a whole lot, which is apparenlty something me and Phenominet can agree on.
Hopefully I'll have a response soon.
Unless Jason has some science homework.
January 04, 2006
My website is not having a good birthday. :(
I have emailed my webhost, oh, four times now with no response, for the reason that I no longer have uploading access. The how and the why are being disputed by web geniuses around the globe, except of course, by the one company who could shed some light on it and help me to fix the problem.
I love my webhost.
Every time someone asks about a host, I recommend them.
I don't know if I've ever drummed them up any business, but I have been a cheerleader for them from day one.
And I always get a quick response...until lately.
So, I decided to have a little fun with them.
I wanted to see if I could get them to respond in any way.
So I sent them the following.
Now, mind you, I wasn't even going to post this if they got back to me.
When I didn't get my $100 rebate from a company I won't go into right now, I sent them a very sarcastic letter and documented my progress, ready to post it here in anger.
But they actually gave it to me.
And trust me, with the level of sarcasm I used in the letter I sent, I'm surprised they sent me anything.
But no sarcasm here.
Just the plight of a woman scorned.
I really hope this gets taken care of soon.
Creative emails take a lot of time.
WITHOUT FURTHER ADO! The request for customer support:
"Dear Phenominet Support,
Do you hate me?
Thrice I have emailed you, and thrice I have been ignored.
Did I do something? Did you see me checking out other providers and get jealous?
He just popped up in front of me. Like a pop up. I had to look at him.
He joked back because he wanted my business, baby. He meant nothing to
me like you do.
Don't you remember all the good times we had?
Remember that time when I asked you permission to load movabletype?
Oh, and remember when I didn't realize my password was case sensitive
and caps lock was on or something? Boy, we've shared some laughs,
haven't we?
Is that it, Phenominet? Do you think I'm too stupid to have a website
because of the old password fiasco? That was years ago! I've changed.
I was just a kid then.
I know a little css and php now. I still code my own stuff -- in
Notepad, Phenominet, Notepad!
I know, I know, baby. You think I have a bad php mail script that
people are using to spam. In my defense, I didn't write it. I was
selfish.
I asked my friend to write the script, because I was afraid of posting
my own email.
Is that what you want? I admit it. I don't trust all those people who
write that their address is "sneaky (at) supersneakster.net," because
I think spam bots can just search for that.
So, I was selfish and I used a php script that you say doesn't work.
I have looked it over, and while there are improvements to be made,
I'm unsure why it's taking up webspace of mine. But there's no way to
continue to troubleshoot until I can get access to uploading my files.
I remember when we used to talk late into the night, Phenominet. How I
wish you would open up a dialogue with me, and perhaps we could get to
the bottom of this troubling situation, especially since you said the
culprit was "mailparent.php," when I think you mean "mail.php," but
I'm not sure, Phenominet, because you won't talk to me.
So why not just return a little email?
I kept thinking to myself, "Maybe I didn't give them enough
information. Maybe only putting that my username was kitsune three
times in one email isn't enough. Maybe they're on vacation for New
Year's Day? For the day after New Year's Day? For National Happy First
Tuesday of the Year Day? (Which I forgot to wish you a happy one --
another reason you probably hate me!)"
Maybe you made it your New Year's Resolution to not help out your
dim-witted caps locking customers? Hey, I'm no Tier 4 member. I just
miss you is all.
Please respond, dear Phenominet.
<3 Lauren
username: kitsune"
Phenominet, if you're out there reading this, I didn't mean to post our business on the internet.
I'm just trying to get a reaction out of you. Anything. A nod, a smile?
I'll go back to being your cheerleader if you just take me back.
Who's my little webhostie? YOU'RE my little webhostie!!