December 31, 2005
Well, if you don't make a year-in-review post, you're nuthin' on this internet we call home. It's also fun for me to go back through my old posts and see what a loser I was a mere 12 months ago, then realize what a loser I still am.
2005, You'll Always Be Alive...in our hearts
January
-Played Knights of the Old Republic 2.
-A lot.
-Tried in vain to set up my ReplayTV AND get the rebate back from the thieving bastards.
-Continued with my crafty craft knitting.
-Made a hat ridiculously too big for anyone!
February
-Fixed some website crap, including, but not limited to AskHBM, mail submission forms, and comment spammers.
-Did not update because my free time was spent doing boring things listed in the first bullet point.
March
-Went skiing with Tom.
-Got ditched while skiing with Tom.
-I funnenized Aruba with Jordan even before it was cool to be abducted there.
Too soon?
April
-Mitch Hedberg died somewhere around here, but no one believed it because the press didn't cover it.
Also, I hear his autopsy reports just came in.
Get ready for the biggest shocker of the year -- Cocaine and Heroin overdose!
I hope all the whiny kids in the Mitch Hedberg sycophant forums who whined "he had a serious heart condition! Why do you all say he died of drugs?!" are rolling over in their graves, having also died of drug overdoses(/heart conditions?!?!).
-Other things happened.
May
-Justin moved in sometime around here, but neither of us can remember when.
Also, do any of you know where I left my keys?
Is this the airport, Clark?
Is Rusty still in the navy?
-New episode of Family Guy receives lukewarm reviews from internet supersleuth, Lauren. Things only get better from there.
I forgive you, Seth. If my website suddenly came back to life thanks to my fans, I'd repeat all my old jokes instead of making new ones, too.
-I complained about a lot of stuff.
-Jordan and Ryan graduate from their respective learning establishments.
June
-I started to play World of Warcraft.
-Playing video games becomes inversely proportional to my updating my website.
-I also start up my last year working at Theater Camp.
July
-I turn 25.
-I went to Swiss Semester 10-year reunion.
-I find out that I actually haven't grown up and matured, like I sort of thought I did.
-Crap, I was supposed to make them a website, huh?
August
-I went to a Renaissance Festival and made fun of some people.
-I went to Baltimore and met some kittens.
-George Bush hated Black People.
September
-I moved drove across the entire damn country.
-I won at Roulette in Vegas!
-I settled into a pretty awesome place with pretty awesome landlords.
-I got the cuddliest kitten in the world. (Verified by the World's Cuddliest Kittens Association)
October
-I basically only talk about my cat for a month.
-My old apartment's renting company and my old health insurance companies prove to also be thieving bastards.
-Watched a lot of Forensic Files.
-Suspect everyone of murder.
November
-Harry Potter came out.
-I started knitting my Harry Potter Gryffindor scarf.
-Went back home for Thanksgiving.
-Santa stops by early, noticing that the Xbox360s he was planning on giving me and my brother were selling like hotcakes on eBay.
December
-Made crafty craft Christmas ornaments out of bread dough.
-Went home again.
-Santa brings me ergonomic keyboard and gift certificates, despite the fact that I'm 25 years old.
-Santa rocks.
Well, that was more for me than for you, but I enjoy seeing what I've accomplished in the past year, so that I can more accurately shape my resolutions for the next.
Namely, "Watch more Forensic Files."
December 29, 2005
It's a tale as old as time.
Frigid winters vs. sunbathing in December.
Biggie vs. Tupac.
People who don't know how to drive and do it slowly vs. People who don't know how to drive and to it going 120 mph in Hummers while merging across five lanes of traffic.
Mom, Dad, Brother, old life vs. Justin, Scamp, Melissa, new life.
Beauty vs. Beast.
Well, that was just for the "tale as old as time" part.
It's going to be sad to leave home again tomorrow. I went to a party at the neighbors', and I actually talked to people. Don't worry, it was against my will. When I came home, though, my parents praised me like I was learning to ride a bike or something. I had to do something to disguise myself from appearing like the girl inhaling the entire bowl of Artichoke Dip, and if it meant talking to the parents of the vicious public school bitches who made my life hell then got anorexia and made me laugh really hard, then so be it.
But I talked to the lovely host of the party (whose children have always been nothing but nice to me) and she asked when I was coming home again, and it was a little too depressing that the first thought in my head was "next Thanksgiving."
I don't want "Cats in the Cradle" to start playing here, but taking off work and chillin' with the fam isn't as easy as it was to take off school. There's no Johnny Tompkins to bring my math homework over when I miss a few days.
In the real world, it's like, no work-y, no eat-y.
I also for...went? forgoed? what the fuck is the past tense of "forgo"?
"Forwent." I was right.
I also forwent scheduling my New Years' plans for Pittsburgh, thinking that Melissa knew some hip scene in LA to ring in the new year, but she's going to be in that capital of hipsters, Louisville, Kentucky.
I don't mind having a quiet New Year's celebration, though, mainly because there are few people who I will let see me drink champagne.
I did almost all the things I wanted to while I was here.
I actually went onstage, for the first time in months, and actually told some new jokes. And it actually went really well, and I actually totally miss it.
Although, I did have to admit to my Pittsburgh comedian friends that I haven't gone onstage in the mecca of comedy that is LA, which was gut-wrenching, but I'm such a horrible liar, I knew I had to be up-front with them.
Even though telling comedians you haven't performed in four months is akin to dropping by an AA meeting after four months and casually mentioning that you've been boozing it up every night and twice on Sunday. They sort of give you this look of, "Oh...well...that's, um, that's good for you, I guess."
I also visited my old/current workplace to see all my coworkers, and it was a wee bit awkward, but only because I make everything awkward. Also I hug people a lot, and I still don't know what's appropriate in the workplace. Especially in that workplace, where you're looked at as a social deviant if you ask someone to sit with you at lunch.
Coming from Eat N Park, where you have to make a concentrated effort to keep the cooks from sitting on your lap during lunch, this was quite a difference, although not entirely unwelcome.
And tomorrow, I'm having lunch with Kameron, which is always laugh central, before heading off on my flight late in the afternoon.
OOH, and my brother and I beat Super Mario 2 AND 3 and made it halfway through 1 until we realized how crappy the original jumping programming was, and cursed our 8- and 6-year-old selves respectively for having so much more manual dexterity.
So, all in all, the trip was pretty much all you could hope to do to relax.
December 27, 2005
I'd have to say that one of the awesomest dreams in the world is one where I begin kicking the asses of zombies and end making out with David Cross.
Oh, subconscious!
December 25, 2005
Personally, I'm celebrating Christmas on the 26th, but I suppose I can still wish a Merry Christmas to all the people who don't have fathers who are airline pilots.
It's not so bad, and after 25 years, you sort of get used to it.
Plus, while you chumps are wishing you had more presents to look forward to and wishing you were less bloated from eating your delicious Christmas hams, I'll be tearing through presents like a cat on a cactus.
( 
)
Well, seeing as my alarm clock just went off for what time I had to wake up yesterday to catch my plane, I should probably hit the hay. Survey says I have a lot of TV watching to do tomorrow.
December 22, 2005
Well, my excema has been flaring up.
Excema, for those of you who don't know, if medically defined as "itchy stuff on my arms that I don't actually know if it is excema or not, but every time I fall on the floor itching symmetrically matching parts of my arms, someone tells me that it's either excema or heroin withdrawal."
Right now it's on my two middle fingers, which I take as a huge joke from my body to me. Good one, body. Good one.
I finally got all my Christmas shopping done at 7 A.M. this morning, even though I had to use amazon's one-day shipping for the last two things to make it to Pittsburgh on time. I can't complain, I guess. I will just call it a Lazy Tax in my mind.
I did the moronest thing at work today. Even moroner than trying to pass off "moronest" and "moroner" as words.
I sent an email message out to my bosses about a problem I was having, and they responded back in sort of a cryptic way asking if I could work the problem out.
I was really confused and responded back, even though I sort of repeated everything I said in my initial email. I knew I was missing something, but, whatever, sometimes people don't have time to read every line of every email, and I can respect that.
A couple hours later, it dawned on me.
I was CC'd in the bosses' response. The response to the systems guys. Not to me.
It just kills me that I was this stupid, because I hate imagining a whole group of people in another state wondering in unison how I can be so stupid, when I'm all the way on the other side of the country wondering the same thing.
And it's not like I can send another email like, "Oh, now I get it. Sorry, I'm the moronest." because that's even moroner.
Ugh.
Well, this wasn't very interesting, but I haven't blogged in a while and it was either going to be about this or me eating a tasty bowl of soup the other day, and I'm saving that gem for New Year!
December 18, 2005
So, I made up a little Christmas Carol for Scamp, but I won't put it here because it's too embarrassing.
Oh, no! Scamp's gotten control of the keyboard, and I was somehow able to write this last sentence!!!
"Scampy Claws is Coming To Town"
You'd better not pet
His tail or his paws
Or he'll show you why
His name's Scampy Claws
Scampy Claws is coming to town
If you're standing up
And Scamp gets the chance
You'd better watch out
He'll climb up your pants
Scampy Claws is coming to town
He licks you when you're sleeping
He meows when you're awake
He bites if you've been bad or good
So be glad he's not a snake
Oh, he'll bring you a gift
He pounced on it twice
It's probably a bug
Or two little mice
Scampy Claws is coming to town
Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen!
December 02, 2005
So, I'm home alone on a Friday night, surfing around myspace, you know, like usual!!!
No, my cousin wanted me to set up some HTML for her since I am the family's token web monkey. To view the changes, I got an account, and figured I'd fiddle around while I was there.
Now, I'm on friendster, I'm on xanga, I'm on just about every flash-in-the-pan OMG I remember you! THX 4 teh add! website, just because some person I cared about was on it, and since they don't feel like shelling out for a real website, I am forced to logon to these wacky sites to catch up on their lives.
Every once in a while, I run across a familiar face from my past, and it never ceases to amaze me.
I think I'm right at the cusp of this whole internet thing, and I know people my age and older can relate. In high school, use of computers was pretty much limited to one class (freshman year) which was mainly spent teaching the lummoxes who slipped through the private school cracks what a mouse was and how to distinguish it from a real live mouse.
We didn't even have keyboarding. I mean, I can't imagine what school must be like for the kids now, where everyone has a website, and whoever gets the most eprops is the prom queen or something.
So you can imagine how strange it is to re-meet these people on cyberspace.
Yeah, I've googled a bunch of them before, but I never really came up with anything, which never surprised me. It's like a yearbook that just keeps updating with static pictures that are slowly getting older. It's not real interaction, but it's not staying in the past.
When I went to the Swiss Semester reunion, I learned a very interesting lesson. No matter how much you think you've matured and grown into an adult with a personality and a comfort in yourself, you can't escape who you were defined as around those who defined you.
I was so excited to knock everyone dead with my college-learned outgoing personality, my stand-up-gained self-confidence, my new, comfortable adult self, but I got there and realized I wasn't fooling anyone.
Around them, I was still the shy odd girl who occasionally speaks up but then it's in a really awkward way and why did I fly out here to want to go hide somewhere?
And they wonder why I don't show up at the high school reunions.
Well, my mom does.
I wonder if people have googled me and been like, "This is the same girl who had a crush on Emilio Estevez and didn't play at recess because she hated everyone and wrote that snarky article about inappropriate sports funding for our school, and she's not fooling anyone."
Me likey bouncy! Me likey bouncy!
No...no, you're a big girl now.