I need to do something cool to get in the Halloweeny mood.
I'm not on the east coast anymore, so I can't just go to Joe and Ange's house -- your one-stop shop for your year-round Halloween needs!
I don't even have my Nightmare Before Christmas DVD.
I don't have any parties to go to, since I called up each and every one of my friends out here, and Melissa said she would probably be in bed before 8:00.
I can't decide if we live in a neighborhood with enough kids in it to stay at home and hand out candy, and even if we did I don't think it would be wise for children to be walking around at night.
For one thing, I've seen a homeless guy going through our trash, and he might be sneaky enough to dress up as a little kid dressing up as a homeless guy as a ploy to get some candy.
And then when I think it's him, I wrestle him to the ground and tear off his mask only to find out that it IS a little kid, and boy is my face red!
What's more, I don't know enough Spanish to have trick-or-treaters tell me, "I don't want Sweet Tarts, give me a fucking Kit-Kat, Esse."
(Copyright Joe Eberle)
So, I'm not sure what I'll be up to, but you can be damn sure my plans for the next couple of days include finding a cat-sized bee costume.
Here is a video of my cat trying to bury his food under my hardwood floor.
(You must have DivX.)
And here is him getting introduced to my new mirror.
He's smart enough to know it's not an actual other cat, which is disappointing, because I was looking forward to laughing hilariously at him attacking himself, but he's still curious about the mechanics of it all...until he decides to sharpen his claws.
So I saw a hilarious sign on the side of the street in a residential neighborhood the other day.
It said "ABSOLUTELY NO CRUISING" and then underneath it, it said, "'Cruising' is driving past the same spot within a six hour time period."
There are many reasons why this is hilarious. First, six hours? What if you work a half day and you come home in six hours?
Second, how exactly are the cops enforcing this?
I doubt they document every car that drives by and cross-reference it with documents from the previous six hours. It would take six more hours to do THAT, and by then the "perp" would be off doing other illegal acts like walking his dog or scratching himself. (PS you cannot scratch yourself in the same place twice in six hours)
Third and most hilarious is the fact that they used some hip slang, then defined it right underneath.
Why not just say "Absolutely No Driving Past The Same Spot Within A Six Hour Time Period"? No, they had to call it cruisin' and then define it like losers.
Why aren't there signs like "ABSOLUTELY NO BUSTIN' A CAP IN A BITCH'S ASS" then underneath "'Bustin' a cap in a bitch's ass' is shooting either a woman or a man you are trying to demean by calling him by an effemanate word."
Then later that day, I was driving down the road, and I could have SWORN that I saw Budnick from "Salute Your Shorts" walking down the street, but I dared not turn around lest I pass the same place twice within six minutes.
I'll bet it was him, though.
I only offer you a paltry few things for your enjoyment today.
Nerd Cat is the latest installment of cat-based antics.
Also, I have a question.
I'm currently going through Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix again, and I was wondering how exactly it's translated into other languages.
I know there are a couple things changed in British books to English books because all my books Harry Potter books are British since I bought them in Switzerland.
They do delightfully interesting things like spell color "colour" and defense "defence" and all the dialogue is in single quotes and all the Mr. and Mrs. don't have periods and dogs and cats are living together and regular Superman is bizarro Superman.
Also, for some reason, they decided to change something as minimal as the title and subject of the entire first book from the "Philosopher's Stone" to the "Sorcerer's Stone." The word on the grapevine is that the title "philosopher's stone" wasn't wizard-y enough and since the American public isn't widely aware that the Philosopher's Stone is actually a mythological item that was to be the basis for alchemy, when wondering if they should read this popular book, publishers seemed to think that they would get held up on the word "Philosopher" and, fearing they would be reading about Harry's adventures with Immanuel Kant and Rene Descartes, the children would go running out of the bookstore and back to their video games and McDonald's cheeseburgers and playing in traffic
Anyhoo, I already know the answer to my question, I THINK, but I'm wondering how weird it must be to read this book in another language.
For instance, I'm reading a chapter about how Harry needs to teach someone English.
I assume that the translations to other languages do it more or less verbatim, but it has to be awkward and break the fourth wall when they're all speaking French or some crap and Hagrid walks in and tells Harry to teach someone English.
Maybe I just haven't read a lot of books translated from other languages, but I think it would be awkward to be all up in some book, enjoying myself, when some character walks in and goes, "Man, it sure is fun speaking Russian all the time. I love this Russian language that we are speaking right now."
Well, I have to go now, because in order to appear more American, I have decided to go change all my college report cards to say that I got A's in Introduction to Sorcery.
Accio transcript!
I'm working on a new cat installment, due to the wonderfully nice reactions I got.
Although posting pictures of kittens in a baaaaabyanimals lj community is sort of like posting pictures of cheeseburgers and cake in a fat people community -- you're just asking for a positive reaction.
But I have no qualms with this.
And I'm lucky Scamp likes having his picture taken more than I do.
But this entry is not about happy things, oh, no.
It's a cautionary tale of how much businesses are moronic jerks.
How to Screw Up Your Credit Rating
or
You'd Think I Was the First Person to Ever Move
Let me start off this story by being very vain.
I consider myself an intelligent person. There are a lot of things I don't understand about being an adult, but no one who is one got an instruction booklet either, and I've always figured I would be able to pick it up as I went along, and as long as I was responsible and followed the rules, I'd be all right.
Wrong.
The tale begins a half a year ago with something that, admittedly, was my fault.
I was in the midst of working with theater arts camp and although I tried to keep on top of everything, one bill almost slipped underneath my radar.
It was the morning of Friday, July 1st, and my electric company's bill was due on the 5th.
Usually I mail bills out a ridiculous number of days before they're due, just because I'm paranoid like that, but when I'm busy with work, I tend to walk around my house with my eyes closed just to try to get some extra sleep.
I don't want to point any fingers or get any companies in trouble, so I will simply refer to this electric company as "DUQUESNE LIGHT (pronounced "Doo-kain light"), whose website is right here, and I hope all the employees die mysteriously but painfully, although it wouldn't be my fault, ha ha, hello, FBI."
Back to the story, it's Friday, and I realize I haven't sent my check yet, so I hastily and sleepily chuck it in the mailbox in morning before camp. It's later that day that I realize that Monday is the 4th of July and thus a holiday, thus my check may not get there until much after the 5th, since despite being not 5 minutes from my apartment, the mail system apparently has to send my bill to Siberia before bouncing back to right down the road from me in 3 to 5 business days.
Now, this little company, being trendy and "net savvy" has a little thing on their website where you can pay your bills online! I've heard of some of my friends doing this, and my mother, too, who sometimes cannot locate the Alt key, so I certainly wasn't one to be out of the loop of online bill pay.
I decide to real quick sign up for this service and pay my bill immediately online, operating under the assumption that when my check gets there, it will not be late, but actually an early credit towards my next bill!
Am I Susie On-Top-Of-Shit or what?
"Or what" is the correct answer.
This next part is also my fault, which I completely own up to.
I paid that bill successfully, but I did not read the fine print which stated that when I signed up for online bill pay, I would never receive another paper bill.
We-he-hell, I waited and waited at the beginning of August for my next bill to come in the mail, and it never came.
I figured that the check I had sent for July to be applied to August had sufficiently covered it, so I wasn't too worried.
On a whim one day, I decided to go through my email client's "Junk" section, and found a whole slew of messages from this company telling me my bill was due.
Although it certainly was Junk, I needed this info, so I signed on and paid my bill (which was significantly more than July's bill, since I ran the A/C on Fucking-High every minute of every day because it was so swelteringly hot).
Not a huge deal. No credit screwing there.
This is all exposition.
The death-wish-inducing hatred comes here.
I'm about to leave the state of Pennsylvania.
I am terrified because never before have I been in charge of things like closing a cable bill account and an electricity account and making sure my post office has my forwarding address and everything, and I am freaking out about it all.
I return my cable modem and I pay all my bills. Luckily my cable bill charged for months in advance, so I could pay my last bill while I actually lived there and ask them to shut it off the day I was moving out.
But since all the electric company's Mind-Reading Abilities were neglected in favor of having a stockpile under the category of Asshole-Being Abilities, they couldn't predict my energy usage, and I would have to pay my bill later on.
"No problem," thought I, a silly, silly ignorant youth. "I'll just check my inbox now that I know I'm to expect it, and pay the bill when it comes!"
I lived in my parents' house in Pittsburgh before I moved, and come the online bill did, so I clicked the "Pay Now" button and forked over the last month's electricity bill.
Being the superparanoid and insisting-upon-control person I am, I made about 4356786 calls to Comcast and Duquesne Light BEGGING them to tell me if there were ANY outstanding payments, and if I could indeed, go on with my life.
They told me I could, and DL informed me that as long as I paid my last month's bill, I was all square. I told them I had, and they wished me a good day.
LIARS.
A couple days before I left, I had to close my checking account, which, again, I was terrified about, because if some other idiot were not as punctual as I am, perhaps I had an outstanding check not cashed yet or a payment that was still, for some reason pending.
I checked my online bank statement and saw that everything was paid up except for...guess what!! My Duquesne Light Bill!
It wasn't due yet, but it would by the time the account from which it was pulling would be closed.
I quickly called the DL hotline...the next day, silly! It was only 5:00 PM, and their Customer Support line, as we all know, is only open from 8:00 AM to 8:15 AM!
I paid with my credit card which would travel across the country with me, and although I had the nagging feeling that I had an extra $177 floating around in cyberspace, (since I had now paid that bill twice) but I thought that I had squared everything up!
Wrong again!
While in Denver, I got a lovely call from the Collections Agency! A wonderful agency who has the magical power of making whoever they call feel like white trash!
I calmly (ha) told them that I, in fact, HAD paid the bill -- twice in fact! Once online and once by credit card.
They told me that they didn't know what I was talking about, but they had tried to access my checking account and it was closed, and they don't even accept credit cards, and would I mind running frantically to the post office and mailing them a mail order, in effect paying this bill for the third time? Kthx.
I did as I was told, saying loudly to the woman, "FINE! It's only MONEY."
I also tried asking a bunch of times what she thought might have happened, but for some reason, she wasn't very helpful.
So, I've arrived in California.
Be happy that I'm omitting the part where a completely different (but probably in cahoots) company cut my credit card off in Vegas because they thought it was stolen, since they called my house in Pittsburgh to confirm that I was in fact in Vegas, but I didn't answer, so they cut me off. This makes perfect sense.
If I wonder if my friend is in another state, the first thing I do to get in touch with them immediately is call their home, and if they're not there, I decide that they're just probably hiding somewhere in their house, because why would anyone go to Vegas, tourist capital of the United States?
Wait. I didn't omit that at all, did I?
So I get to California. Right.
Suddenly, from whom do I receive an email but Duquesne Light!!!
Another bill? Well, sort of.
A bill for -$177.
And, the plot thickens, my mom gets a bill AND a Past Due Notice (complete with White Trash feeling) forwarded to her from Comcast for $200!! (PS -- My monthly fee was less than $50.)
I call Comcast and they tell me to ignore it.
O...kay?
I call back another day, thinking this is some trick by EVERYONE IN THE WORLD to ruin my credit, and this guy tells me also to ignore it and that it is automatically sent to everyone who cuts off service.
"Did I do something wrong? Not inform the right department?"
"No, it happens to everyone."
"What if I had -- silly me here -- paid it?"
"We would have used your payment to purchase an Xbox 360."
Okay, he didn't really say that, but I never did get a straightforward answer, and I really think that's what would have happened.
Now, my mom has been waiting for approximately two months for some sort of magical statement from my health insurance -- who were very nice up until this point, so I will refer to them by this codename: "Shmue Shmoss Shmue...Shield.."
This magical statement says, in effect, that although I gave them six months of notice, they will act like a typical agency whom I do not owe money, and drag their fucking feet so that I have a lapse in coverage of at least a month and at most, forever.
We knew I was going to have a lapse in coverage.
My company's HR lady told me to my face.
"You will have a lapse in coverage of about two months while you trade from Pennsylvania's health insurance to California's."
"But I'm taking a leave of absence. I still work for the company, and it's only going to be three weeks."
"You will have a lapse in coverage for about two months. Drive safe."
Not making that up.
So I have to wait for Pittsburgh's Shmue Shmoss to verify that I don't live there anymore before California's Shmue Shield will believe that I'm here.
I think if I stood outside Shmue Shield's building here and pounded on the window, screaming loudly, they would all put their fingers in their ears and say "La la la, We don't hear anything!"
So my mom keeps insisting that Pittsburgh hasn't sent them anything, so I finally called them up (at 7:30 AM! Because they're only open from 10:30 AM to 10:45 AM EST!) and they said they would send it in 3 to 5 business days!
"From now?"
"Well, yes."
"Wasn't it supposed to come much before now?"
"Yes. I'm sorry. I don't know what happened."
"And...what if I *hadn't* just happened to call you up and specifically ask your company to do its job?"
"I would ask our CEO, but he's busy playing Quake 4 on his new Xbox 360."
So, I got that little problem tied up in a pretty bow, unless, of course, it still doesn't come and we begin this delightful dance again, but I'm sure you all are wondering, "Have you gotten your Duquesne Light credit back?" or "What happened with them anyway?" or possibly "Is this post over YET?"
Here's what happened.
It seems that the snazzy online billpay DL uses is way too snazzy for them and they use a third party.
Well, the third party are lazy asses, so when I clicked the misleading "Pay Now" to suck money from my checking account, well, it didn't, and it wasn't going to until 2 days before the bill was due, or in Laur-man's terms, 2 days after my checking account was closed.
They also have no access to my actual Duquesne Light account, so when I called DL to pay by credit card, they kindly didn't inform the creditors that I'd paid up already. The third party paid for me, looked in my checking account, saw nothing, and made me freak out and run to the post office to send them a money order to cover the difference.
Then, when DL got the 2nd payment from the creditors, they credited my bill for the next month, forgetting that I had closed the account and moved, those silly ganders!
So when my mom told me day after day that no check for $177 had arrived for me, I finally called THEM, TOO, (at 7:30 AM...) and they said it would arrive in 3 to 5 business days.
"And what if I hadn't called and asked for the money you owe me?"
"Well, it would have sat in the account for about two years, then it would have gone to the state."
"Are you making that up? Because I am totally posting this on my website in hopes that others are as incredulous as I am right now."
"No, that last sentence I said was verbatim, although you're making this part up for comedic effect."
"Well, I'll be."
So, that's the end of my tale.
I'll spare you a follow-up post and let you guys assume that all these things really come to pass -- I eventually get health insurance, I don't owe Comcast $200, and I get my $177 from Duquesne Light, and life turns out to be awesome.
In a small happy end, I contacted all parties involved in every debacle, and everyone says that this will have no effect on my credit, rendering the title of this piece untrue, but the second title very, very true.
You'd think I was the first person in the world who ever moved anywhere.
Well, clearly it will be a joy to you that this post is not a meme, but unfortunately it isn't about radio stations either.
Actually, I have little to say because I'm tired, but I have some pictures to show you.
The first batch is the biggest and it's long-overdue.
More to come!
Now let me quick read over all these to see if they're okay to show my mom.
She doesn't like-a the swearing or any of my "jokes."
I'm sorry. I just read this on Melissa's blog and was so appalled that she thought people cared what she had to say, that I just HAD to tag myself and do it.
I kid, I kid.
Serves her right for never once mentioning me on her blog.
NO LINK FOR YOU.
10 years ago I...
D.J.'d a dance party in Switzerland for Halloween.
It wasn't as hip as it sounds -- it was in a hotel lobby with a bunch of 15 year olds who were dressed up in homemade costumes awkwardly dancing to my awful taste in music that probably wasn't conducive to dancing or socializing OR comfort, such as "Girls" by Beastie Boys or "Nothing Compares 2 U" by Sinead O'Connor.
See? Something for everyone.
5 years ago I...
What was I, a junior in college?
Well, let's see. I recall playing Final Fantasy 2 alone in my room for a lot of the time.
Ooh! I stayed up for four days straight writing a screenplay.
But this time of year I was...I believe I was dressing up as a Zom-bee as Melissa, Sam, and Sean dressed up as Vam-pirates. Oh, puns.
1 year ago I...
Well, around this time of year, I believe I was in Baltimore chilling with the gang all day and secretly staying up all night to talk to Justin on his computer. The drive home was the first time he called me.
The election was also looming, wasn't it? So I was in a bad mood all the time because liberals hate me because I'm too conservative and conservatives hate me because I'm too sane.
*sigh* Why can't bees and pirates just get along?
Nobody wins here, people.
5 Snacks I Enjoy
Salsa, Hummus, Banana Nut Muffins, Cheetos, and, uh...tacos. Is tacos a snack?
How about if you eat it as a side dish to your entree of tacos? Also, dessert: tacos.
5 Things I would do with 100 Million Dollars
Wait, so do I get 500 Million Dollars or 5 things at 20 Million each?
Let's say 20 Million each so we're staying realistic here.
First, I'd probably buy an island. How much do islands cost?
How about two islands at 10 Million each? One for all my friends and one for like, homeless kitties and dogs and crap.
Second, I think I'd buy a gaming company and I'd only make adventure games, and not ones that have 600 hours of game-time and real-time aging and infinity outcomes. Also I'd make them funny like the good old times, and with good voice acting. None of that Tidus from Final Fantasy X vagina-talk. "Wah, I miss my world." Shut up!
Jesus, how much more money do I have to spend?
For my third trick, I'd put 20 Million aside for computers. You know the economy these days.
Fourth wish, I'd make a restaurant chain that looks sort of like the Rainforest Cafe, only there's animal heads in the wall at each table with a microphone and speaker in them, and they're the waiter!
There's really a secret waiter in the back talking into the microphone but you don't know! And the animals are really sassy but the customers eat it right up and the food is brought out by humans in chains, almost like the animals are the masters.
Right, so if you need a clean fork, for example, you'd ask the moose or bear or whatever real nicely and he'd say something sassy like "Fork you!" or if there's kids around, "Fork-get about it!" and then "No, I'm just kidding, Slaves, bring these nice people a fork!" and the human would walk out looking all scared and leave the fork and run back off to the kitchen.
If any of you steal my idea, I will sue you.
And for my last 20 Million, I would probably buy someone entertaining to hang out with me.
But who could I afford with a mere $20 Million?
Seth MacFarlane probably makes $20 Million by scratching himself and Conan and Jon Stewart would think I'm an idiot.
So, in conclusion, the guy who plays Lex Luthor on "Smallville."
He's so good at being bad!
5 places I would run away to
What, so you can find me?
Switzerland, Nashville, Hawaii, Japan, London.
Yes, clearly, I like to go where I least fit in.
5 things I would never ever ever wear to be seen
One of those t-shirts that says "Bad Girl" in swirly cursive, a short skirt, a shirt where you can see my stomach, one of those shirts with only one sleeve, and high heels, because I'm 5'7" and although people will tell you that's average, it's not, and I stopped thinking that it was cool to be taller than every boy at around 7th grade, so let's just drop it, okay?
5 favorite TV shows
Family Guy, Monk, The 4400, uhh...Forensic Files? and Mew Mew Power.
5 bad habits
Eating right before bed, never washing dishes, being too sarcastic at inappropriate times, lying, and lying about ever having lied before that last one.
5 biggest joys
Petting kitties, genuinely laughing, playing video games, writing, and eating.
My Only Toys
FuzzTail, my white stuffed kitty my dad got me.
5 fictional characters I would date
Holden Caulfield, because he's just my crazy type.
Harry Potter, because I think he would date me longer than one book.
Brian Griffin, because who doesn't like funny alcoholics?
Han Solo, because I have strange childhood fantasies.
Lex Luthor from "Smallville," because apparently when my mind wanders, it flies right to him faster than a speeding bullet.
There's a radio station out here that plays only songs I love.
This is weird, because I have a shitty taste in music and can therefore not understand why anyone but me would ever listen to this station, but whatever, suckers!
It's called Jack FM and my old chumpy pal Damon has informed me that it is a national station or some crap, so maybe some of you know what I'm talking about.
Their slogan is "We play what we want," and...are you ready?
...THERE ARE NO D.J.s!!!
Oh, my gosh, it's like a birthday wrapped in Christmas wrapped in a Bat Mitzvah EVERY DAY.
Well, except for 4:30 every day when this lame commercial comes on with four idiots pretending like they're D.J.s and they talk about the shows on CBS that night, only it's self-reflexive and they constantly joke about not being real D.J.s and being on a commercial and being not funny.
But, still, the station is awesome and there's just this one spokesguy with one of those bored hip voices who comes on every couple songs and says snarky things like, "You can request it, but we're not gonna play it," or "You want a traffic update? If you see a lot of cars standing still with their brake lights on, you're in traffic." AND THAT'S IT.
They bring on all my favorite hits from the '70s, '80s, and '90s.
Okay, so they don't play musicals or J-Pop, but they have to make SOME money apparently.
Anyway, I'm all about it.
Man, I still can't get over it.
It's like the universe is finally starting to listen to me.
Maybe Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller will stop making movies, too.
NOT speaking of, it seems a lot of things are a lot funnier out here.
All the radio commercials are witty and pithy and ditto local TV commercials, billboards, down to little hand-written signs inside stores.
In other news, I went to Kansas for the weekend, however, for my friend Jean's wedding.
It was so depressing to see everyone because it reminds me how much I miss my old friends.
I guess when you hang out with comedians, you sort of forget that you have an old circle of friends that is legitimately hilarious and knows how to make you laugh more than any routine and character.
From driving with Petra who's screaming in the thickest ever Southern accent that she needs a boyfriend because her eggs are going to start mutating at 27 to Jean reminding us all of her favorite joke of whenever anyone says something like "How are you, Jean?" she screams "Who's Eugene?!" and stomps off.
We all had quite a snicker when the priest said, "Do you, Jean, take this man..." and she recounted to us later that at this point, she almost threw her bouquet on the ground and stomped out of the church.
And how can anyone forget how similar Damon is to Brian Griffin and never passes up a chance at either alcohol or making fun of Lauren.
And it was delightful to see Jodie and StuBen, who peer pressured me into eating my entire waffle that had a truck stamped on it, even though I was very full.
I was surprised and a little upset that more of the old gang didn't show up.
I wanted to have one of those things where someone dies and everyone gets together and they remember the good times and wonder why they didn't stay in touch and they realize how fragile life and friendship is.
Only, like, without the Someone Dying part.
And the Resemblance To The Movie "First Wives Club" part.
Anyway, the wedding was nice and it took me back to the old days, by which I mean everyone but me was really drunk and I sat in the back watching them all and ripping up bits of paper and hoping someone would fall over so I could have a laugh.
Now, that probably sounds bad to some of you "cool kids" out there, but standing back and laughing quietly at people is my bag, baby, and I had a really great time.
I had a lot of fun, but it was really cool to fly into a sunny town with palm trees and have it be my home destination. Then it was slightly less cool to drive through traffic for the next hour and a half because I don't live in Orange County with the airport and apparently also with the high school kids who do drugs and have sex with their hot, MILF neighbors and learn a valuable life lesson every hour on Tuesday nights.
One of my favorite things about having hard-wood floors is having the ability to roll around supervillian-style to almost anywhere in the house as opposed to actually standing up and walking there like a chump.
Cute kitty story of the day -- Scamp has a little mouse on a string that we affixed to the side of the refrigerator so it was always suspended and would have something to play with. It's just high enough so he has to stand on his hind legs like a squirrel to bat at it, and it's extra cute.
And if you know kittens, he often gets too excited and instead of hopping up and batting it, he will underestimate his pouncing ability and tumble all around the floor like a ninja with ADD.
The other day, Justin and I came home from running some errands and found a pillow on the floor next to the refrigerator. We smiled, because it was a cute indicator of him frolicking, but later when I sat down to watch TV, I noticed that Scamp was standing on top of the pillow which was directly under the dangling mouse, now perfect paw-height to bat the mouse without actually straining himself and standing up tall.
I think this cat is a genius.
Melissa invited Justin and I to a barbecue today, which makes me very happy, because sometimes I worry that all I do is sit around watching Family Guy and detective shows.
It's weird. When I'm working really hard and have a lot on my plate, I sometimes don't have time to do anything at home but sleep, and I dream of sitting back and relaxing and playing a video game or knitting in front of the TV.
But then when my life's a little bit calmer, I remember how much I thought I deserved the relaxation, so I spend a couple days doing just that, but end up feeling immensely guilty that I'm doing nothing with my life.
I guess it's hard to find a balance.
So anyway, I'm glad to be leaving the house, because maybe I'll meet some interesting people and have a fun time.
Look at me! Wanting to meet people!
Is this bizarro Lauren, or am I growing up?
Or am I just excited about eating barbecue food?
I take my pants off a lot.
I took my pants off at work the other day.
I took them off a few minutes ago.
Why? Because this house has fucking ants, and you know when you watch a scary movie about spiders, you think they're all over you? Well, that happens to me all the time, only they really are all over me.
Well, actually, there haven't been any ant discoveries when I took my pants off.
Only, like, when I wake up on the morning and there's a tickle on my leg, and oh, it's just a kitten whisker, and OH MY GOD, IT WAS A KITTEN SNIFFING THE ANT THAT'S WALKING ON MY LEG!
So whenever there's a tickle all day long, I stand up and jump around, and I've even gone so far -- it grosses me out to even think about it, but this is the extent to which I loathe ants -- I start smashing my fist up and down my pant legs, trying to stop the ants in their tracks.
So my new employers probably think I'm real nice and sane what with the constant spontaneous jumping dances and punching myself and constant trips to the bathroom.
So, can someone please tell me why the 101 North/South goes East/West?
I also saw a carpool dropoff place called "Kiss 'N' Ride" the other day. Out east, we call them "Park 'N' Ride."
California is a delightful place.
Last weekend, I went to get my car washed since I hadn't since my trip, and for about two weeks, my car was a delightful shade of bug.
Here in the Valley at least, there's a Car Wash just about every block, so I was shopping around for a relatively cheap place.
I pulled into a place that advertised a $6.99 wash, and when I pulled up an attendant called me out to ask what kind of wash I wanted.
I told him just the plain $6.99 one, and he sort of looked sheepish and turned around to read the sign, making sure he wasn't making a mistake, and told me that the deal was only for weekdays.
"Oh, well, then how much is the cheapest one."
"$11.99."
I kind of made a face, not like that was an outrageous price, which it was, but more like I was an idiot and I had come this far and wasted enough time already and I was here anyway, so I shrugged and said, "I guess I'll just take that then."
He kind of looked at me for a second and said, "You know what? I'm gonna give you the $6.99 just because you didn't yell at me. But normally, on weekends, it's supposed to be $11.99."
I was so taken aback, I just sort of sputtered out, "Uh, thanks, I'll be sure to come back to this place next time my car is dirty!"
What a great place! Getting free shit for not yelling at people!
Well, I'm gonna go sleep on my soft bed of ants, but before I go, I must tell you that, if it's your kind of thing, watch "Attack of the Show" on G4 TechTV and vote online for Sean to be the new co-host because he is cute and way funnier than lame Kevin who talks over everyone and steps on delightful Sarah Lane's jokes.