August 31, 2005
Cleaning an apartment is more fun than I have time to write.
I do, however, send my condolences to New Orleans and suggest that you employ the help of an old friend of mine, Gabriel Knight.
Maybe he can use some hoodoo to help y'all out.
While researching the devastation, I stumbled upon this image, which I only very slightly and almost unnoticably altered, as seen here.
2 video game references in two paragraphs. BOO YAH.
August 24, 2005
My mom said that when she was pregnant with me, she suddenly started seeing people with babies everywhere. Babies in carriages, baby car seats, the baby sections in stores seemed to be the prominent section. She knew she just hadn't really noticed it before, but it seemed that suddenly, everywhere was Baby City, Population: Babies and my mom.
I think I'm living the same sort of thing right now, except that instead of babies, everywhere I look, there's a story about a bank-robbery standoff in North Hollywood, the booming porn industry of West LA, a drive-by, a serial killing spree, a landslide, an earthquake, an outbreak of Ebola, an outbreak of spontaneous combustion, and just generally people falling over dead for no reason at all in every house in California at all times.
I guess these things happen everywhere, but I guess I just needed to have something else to worry about.
I'm not too worried, actually. Despite the fact that I should be.
I should be because I just started taking stuff out of my apartment this week.
I should be because I have to live with my parents for a couple weeks.
I should be because I have to move out this weekend in a Uhaul and then I have to come back and scrub the apartment down.
I should be because I'm driving out there without a place to live in.
But that all doesn't really worry me.
Despite the fact that all people have been asking me for, oh, the last FIVE MONTHS, "So, how's the move coming?! Are you ready yet?"
Despite the fact that I've told them all a million times, "Well, it's coming as well as it has in the past 25 years inasmuch as I haven't done a DAMN THING about it, because it doesn't make much sense to start packing up my apartment until I'm, you know, NOT GOING TO LIVE IN IT, and it doesn't make much sense to look for an apartment before I can move in, because, I don't know, maybe I can't LIVE THERE until I move out of here, and it didn't make much sense to "plan ahead" because things change day to day, much less month to month.
I've had 4 different potential roommates, hundreds of potential living spaces, 15 or so different methods of getting out there both cheaply and practically, and they've all changed in status approximately 35786381 times.
So, yes, I haven't done ANY prep work besides worrying, and now that it's upon me and I see how much I have left to do, I have finally realized that my worrying was for naught, because all I have to do is it!
I'm here, the time is upon me, and I'm ready, and no amount of preparation could have made this any easier.
The only thing for sure is that when I get there and when I have a place, before I get my cable, phone, or a working lightbulb, I'm getting a little kitty.
I thought about naming it something that embodied all the hardships I overcame and how I empowered myself to make this move, but that's gay, so I settled on Lieutenant Colonel Whiskers V. FluffClaw.
August 22, 2005
Well, here you go.
My Very Own Livejournal Image Generator -- Because the world needs Another.
And, since I always knew I visited sites like that repeatedly for a reason...I have finally compiled a page of all my web photo favorites.
I did not take these pictures. I do not condone these pictures. I do not own the rights to these pictures. I don't even own a camera or eyes.
These pictures right here.
They made me chuckle.
August 14, 2005
I went to a Renaissance Festival today.
I always have mixed feelings at them.
On the one hand, I love seeing the Nerd in its natural habitat. I probably said something about it last year, but it's just so refreshing to hear nerds making their nerd jokes and vocalizing their nerd mating calls without fear of repercussion of what Mr. Cool will think.
It's like...watching a kitten playing with its tail is cute, but seeing a kitten with a whole gaggle of kittens mewing and tumbling and hopping up in the air -- Can life get better? I submit that it canNOT.
On quite the other hand, when Nerds get together...it's all sort of awkward. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it may have something to do with my preference of being the nerdiest person in a particular place. I like it to be my little secret when I'm out with the Normies, that is until someone mentions something that catches my ear and I betray my secret, jumping feverishly out of my chair screaming "Han shot first, and anyone who thinks otherwise is a pawn of Lucas' corporate whim!" And they're all like "Calm down, Lauren, we were talking about mens' tight European swimwear." And I have to sit back down like a jackass.
What the hell was I talking about?
Oh, yeah, so that's why I can never go to SeaWorld again.
What?
So Nerds just have free reign at these festivals, which means that you're usually guaranteed a friendly conversation, but may also very well stumble into one that's uncomfortable for all parties present.
For instance, Figure A: The Employee Nerd.
This nerd is there because he's selling his wares, but it doesn't mean he wouldn't be there anyway. I know they like to get into character, and that's part of the neat ambiance of the place, but more often than not, the conversation goes like this.
Let me start by saying that I wore my Muggle shirt because I wanted to look like I was one of them.
Wizard Friar Sherrif Ye Olde Nerd: Good day to you, my lady.
Me: Yes, hello.
WFSYON: Wouldst thou partaketh in the nasally devouring of vapors?
Me: Hmm?
WFSYON: This incense, my lady. Only 2 pounds!
Me: That's a lot of incense.
WFSYON: Nay, my lady! The price be 2 pounds to the king for a pretty lass like you.
Me: Oh, I'm just looking. Thanks, though.
WFSYON: Quite all right. That's an odd frock you don this day.
Me: My t-shirt? Yeah, I think I got it on the internet.
WFSYON: The what now? My, such strange words thou speaketh!
Me: Er, yeah. So I guess I'll take some incense.
WFSYON: We accept MasterCard and Lady Visa! [laughs so hard he almost knocks over his flagon of mead]
Figure B, The Reluctant Employee is the one whose boss clearly told them that they had to come to this fest to push their wares on the public, but it's glaringly obvious that it has little to do with either Renaissance or Festivals.
Sure, the Armory makes sense, the Fairy Wing store, of course, but the Honey store? The mitten kiosk? The candle store that features a design of a dragon riding a motocrycle? That's kind of pushing the total immersion.
In this instance, the conversation is comically reversed when a RenCosPlayer steps up to plate.
Lady Ugly from Pittsburghshire: Good sir, what be this frightening beast within a translucent container?
Sir Jim: Uh, it's a bear or something. It's supposed to taste like honey, uh, thou.
LUP: And what of its clear prison?!
SJ: Look, it's ye olde plastic. Do you want it? It's a buck 50.
LUP: Indeed I do, my good man. Do you take MasterCard or Lady Visa? [laughs so hard, her breasts nearly explode out of her corset, killing several small children nearby.]
Figure C: The nerdy parents who dress their nerdy children.
This is on par with the creepyness of watching parents dragging 4-year-olds to a Star Wars convention dressed as Ewoks, while they stand in the back as Jabba and sexy gold-bikini Leia.
It's good to get kids involved and nerd it up family style, but at that age, they sort of have that "terrier in a tutu" look of "I'm glad everyone else finds this amusing, but since I lack the motor skills to rip this off, can I at least keep my dignity?"
Figure D: The high school nerds in love.
These are two nerds who have dressed in matching Renaissance outfits and go around talking in awful British accents and making oddly inappropriate and uncomfortably loud double entendres at each other.
Lady High School: My that's a large staff you have there, my good lad.
Master High School: Aye, milady. Would you like to feel how hard it is?
LHS: I could tighten my corset to see if that makes it any harder.
MHS: Well, if it gets any harder, I might have to bend you over this stump and --
Me: HAVE YOU PEOPLE NO SHAME?! THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE!!
The rest of the Fest goers run the gamut from having equally awful accents to having no accents and asking if there are any Nascar t-shirts for sale to being actually legitimately funny employees.
I particularly liked one fellow, who turned out to be the King in the Human Chess Match, who strolled past me as I was leaving my brother a message on my cellphone, and ran up to me screaming "Who are you talking to in that tiny box?! Have they no arms or legs?! Hello?! Hello in there, I say?! Why, you're no Muggle. You're a witch! I'll see to it that you get burned later!" And then he ran off.
That was probably the highlight of my day, and I immediately called Ryan back and told him to never erase that message ever.
But to my dismay, when I went to see said Human Chess match, I overheard one of the Queens talking to her wench friend and referring to the bishop that she had just taken as "owning a noob" and a little part of me died inside.
August 11, 2005
So I'm sitting here, surfing the web, it's a typical morning, and I have this song running through my head.
Something in the back of my memory tells me it's a song that I learned recently.
I'm about to open up my winamp or go out to my car to look for the CD, even though I can't put my finger on it.
Then I realize it's a Wiggles song from an episode I was, er, forced to watch a week ago. (Windows Media Player)
In my own defense, it does sound more like some hit from the '60s rather than a toddler's lullaby sung by four creepy Australians. Doesn't it? DOESN'T IT?!
August 07, 2005
Here is where you can find pictures of my latest adventure to Baltimore.
It was a last-minute decision replacing my inability to travel to Otakon in a few weeks, and I'm very glad I got the chance to see some cute kitties. Also: Joe and Ange and Sue and K80.
I also hope you'll like the link bar I've added to the side over there.
If it makes your eyes bleed, I might consider just coming up with a new layout altogether, but only if I don't actually have to come up with it and you do it instead.
Hopefully, it will give you an insight into my internet soul.
I'll try to vary it from gorillamask's, but those links are all just so damn interesting!
I'm just propagating the internet conga line of links.
Enjoy!
August 05, 2005
Well, the 6th Harry Potter book has been given away to me for the third time today.
By a friend in an IM.
With a warning.
Yeah, I guess it IS my fault, after all, I didn't start reading it the second I got it and hired a page turner to turn pages while I ate and bought a tiny Harry Potter Piss Goblet so I wouldn't have to take a bathroom break and Harry Potter Brand Crack to keep up all night so NOTHING STANDS IN MY WAY OF FINISHING THIS BOOK MERE HOURS AFTER JK ROWLING PUT HER DAMN PEN DOWN!!
I'm sorry. That was uncalled for.
The first time it was given away, I was in Iron Forge (sort of like the Grand Central Station of World of Warcraft), and someone thought it would be hilarious to advertise their guild as "The best guild since < HUGE SECRET! >" Oh, you kids are so quirky.
The 1 1/2 time it was given away was when I was reading USA Today, who had apparently gotten my angry letter about giving away the last book, and made a snide comment in the article to the effect of "We're not giving anything away, since we know how angry everyone gets, but < HINT OF HUGE SECRET THAT COULD YIELD 3 POSSIBLE RESULTS, SO BY MERELY THINKING OF THEM, THE SECRET IS GIVEN AWAY >."
The second half of that was given away by a co-worker who loves to say things like, "Oh, man, weren't you < EMOTION CAUSED BY A SECRET > that...Oh, RIGHT, you haven't finished yet. Well, when you do, you are going to be sooooo < EMOTION AGAIN! >"
So I've been avoiding everything that could lead to it like the plague.
Even though I'm pretty sure I know that there is a secret and what that secret is, I feel like perhaps I will catch amnesia very soon, or hit myself over the head with a blunt object until I do (downside: might also forget how to read).
I was aware that there was an mpeg floating around the internet where someone drives past a line of Harry Potter fans waiting to get the book and shouts out The Big Secret, and have successfully avoided that even though it's supposed to be funny.
I was aware that there's a TShirtHell shirt with the secret on it.
Apparently, so was a friend of mine.
Who decided to send me the link.
Oh, don't worry, he was kind enough to write "Don't click here unless you've finished the book!"
Oh, but were those words the hyperlink text?
No!
The link was right there, in all it's glory.
And what do you think was right before the .html, hmmm??
THE FUCKING SECRET.
THANK YOU!!
Assholes.
That's akin to saying, "Hey, mom, I have a big secret, but I don't want to tell you until you've met my new roommate. So click this link as soon as we come visit you next week. This link here -- http://secrets.com/iamalesbian.html"
I would write more, but there are so many things I have to go do before other secrets are given away. I need to watch Citizen Kane, I should check out Soylent Green, and I have to hurry and read every book ever written ever ever.
PS -- If I finish the book and it turns out that, even though the 3 "given away" secrets were identical, they were not actually true, and actually just happenstance that each person made up the same "wrong path" to lead me down so as not to give away the "real" secret, I will retract my statements with an apology.