I hate computers that aren't mine.
Especially computers that erase the entire entry I was writing.
I have been in about seven states in the past two weeks, and I'm currently in Chicago for Jordan's high school, and I want nothing more than to get back home to MY computer with MY resolution and MY favorites list and MY bed and I want to eat when and where I want and I'm very tired of being a guest and pretending I'm happy all the time and I like talking to people. So very tired.
But this entry isn't about me. Directly.
You see, I am here to forward along a story I was told via mass email from comedian Mike Birbiglia, regarding an article in the May issue of Vanity Fair.
Now, I'm sure you all read Vanity Fair just as much as I do -- not at all.
But he stumbled upon an article written by a Mr. James Wolcott about how comedy is no good anymore since Johnny left the scene. This article can be found here, but I couldn't force myself to get past the first page. I'm not even offended as a comedian (if I can even venture to call myself one) or even as a comedy connoisseur, but as a layman audience member.
This article reads like some kid's sixth-grade book report, where he not only didn't bother to read the book, but he didn't even watch the movie or finish reading the blurb on the back of the box.
It would be like me writing an article in a doctor's journal about how much I hate doctors who prescribe Goldfish brand crackers instead of medicine. Not only is it wrong and unfounded in doctors' circles, but any street idiot would be able to tell that I'm full of shit and just complaining to hear myself complain.
But, enough of my rants, Mike Birbiglia wrote a letter to the editor that he's so sure won't be published, he passed it along to his mailing list, and I pass it along to all of you because it needs to be read by the masses.
Plus, if it's read by all of you, the average I.Q. of the readers of the unpublished Letter to the Editor will be so far above that of Vanity Fair's readership, all those housewives would nearly choke on their bonbons and make them late for Mackenzie's soccer practice if they even tried to think about it.
Speaking of housewives that I hate, you should know that this particular issue of Vanity Fair had the Desparate Housewives scantily clad by a pool.
So here's Birbigs' story.
===============
Dear Vanity Fair,
So the other night I’m in Boise, Idaho. I’m backstage at the Morrison Center for the “Friends of The Bob and Tom” Comedy Tour, about to perform onstage for 2100 audience members and someone hands me a copy of your article “Wits end” by James Wolcott. Well, it was not a minute too soon. I soon learned that standup comedy is in fact over and I rushed to the stage manager to tell him to send everyone home. On the way to the stage wings, I paused.
I thought, ”maybe with the surge in sales with Maxim and FHM, Vanity Fair is trying to play catch up by printing more sweeping generalizations and having more sexy cover photos.” As I mulled this over, I stopped into the restroom and masturbated to the cover photo of “The Desperate Housewives” trying to fuck the camera. After that pit stop I continued on to the stage manager to call off the show. And I quickly got in touch with my other comic friends to make sure they had gotten the news.
So I called Dave Attell, who was headlining the Byham Theater in Pittsburgh. I said “Dave- did you hear the news? Comedy is over.” And he said “Mike- there are a lot of people here.” And I said “Vanity Fair just did the report. Nobody has followings anymore.”
Dave paused. He said, “What…should I tell my following?”
I said “I hate to break it to you, Dave. They may all be actors.”
Dave said “Mike, isn’t it more likely that James Wolcott is making generalizations about standup comedy to sell more magazines.”
At this I was offended. I even cried a little and through sighs I weeped, “Not my Jay. (James Wolcott) Not my Jay.”
Then I picked up the magazine again to see if it could provide more information. It said “the average working stiffs of standup have become the migrant grape pickers of entertainment in the new millennium.”
Right then I picked up my Blackberry and text-messaged that quote to 40 of my average comic friends. Moments later, I received 40 simultaneous messages back that said “no actually we’re doing fine.” So I pulled out my laptop and went on AOL Instant Messenger to contact my friends Bill Burr, Patrice O’Neal, and Jim Norton, all of whom were preparing for their HBO specials that week.
These are guys who really break the mold of stale standup and have audiences laughing at topics you’d think were to risky to make funny which seemed to run in the face of Wolcott’s described “drop-off of daredevil individuality and originality.” Maybe they had stopped doing those jokes? I needed to find out. Unfortunately, none of them were online. Bill Burr’s status bar said “idle.” Patrice’s said “At the supermarket” and Jim Norton’s said “masturbating to the cover of Vanity Fair.”
And then I stopped. I sat down and I thought, “Maybe the article’s wrong.
Maybe James Wolcott doesn’t realize that just because there isn’t one single forum for comedy like “The Tonight Show” it doesn’t mean that comedy is actually dead. That it’s just taking place less on network T.V. and more in live shows across America and that James Wolcott should pick up a copy of “Who Moved the Cheese?” because yes, comedy was and still is great, but sometimes it’s found in different places.” I didn’t go to the stage manager after all. I went back to my dressing room, masturbated one more time to the cover of Vanity Fair, and then did the show. And I’ll do the same thing tomorrow.
With love,
Mike Birbiglia
Comedian
(Edited by me for paragraph breaks only) Ah, well. I'd better get off of here before I accidentally turn off the surge protector with my foot or see the kitty close this window by hitting the mouse with his paw (ha! silly kitty is such a literalist) or I sneeze and the computer explodes all over me.
I miss you guys.
I'll be home soon.
Is it just me, or does it seem like kids are being kidnapped and killed a whoooooole lot lately?
Is it just getting all sorts of press because of the semi-recent Amber Alert?
I mean, children are probably kidnapped all the time, but it's not headline news.
I'm not saying it shouldn't be, but it seems to be the equivalent of "THIS JUST IN: SOMEONE DIED."
It's very sad an unfortunate, but...hasn't it been happening since, I don't know, the beginning of time?
I guess I'm glad it's all over the news...every day...
I mean, if I had a missing child, I'd be grateful that cnn.com cared enough to make it its headline, but it's getting rather morbid.
I can't tell if it's just getting more media or if kidnapping is some general growing trend that's signaling the apocalypse.
I have half a mind to kidnap some kid just because it's the new hip and trendy thing to do.
PS -- Just kidding, FBI.
I'd like any comedians, comic artists, or people who are interested in the field of comedy to open today's "funny" pages.
This being National Reading Week or some crap, seemingly every comic artist went to their friendly local Associated Press feed or whatever, and made the very first joke about the very first thing that came up.
"Drabble" and "Family Circus" made the exact same joke, (the Drabble author should jump off a bridge for that faux pas), that one should learn to read just so's they can read the TV guide. (Cue Todd Glass: "WAH, WAH, WAAAAAH!" *shrug*)
"Dennis the Menace" made the deliciously ironic but not-applicable self-referential joke that one should start learning to read with "the funny stuff" and has the Comics section of the newspaper open.
"Zits" made another reference about reading so much, you don't have time to think about how much you read. (What?)
That's just my local paper, too.
I can only assume that Zippy the Pinhead made a hilarious joke about reading, containing the word "the" with an apostrophe in place of the "e," and "Mutts" made a wacky animal's-point-of-view reading joke with an "sh" in place of any "s."
Man, I had to extend my lunch break by half an hour just to stop laughing...
What we learn from this, people, is that there is a reason the first thing that pops in your head is hack. It's because it's what popped into everyone else's head, too.
These comic artists have the most coveted jobs of thousands of artists, and they just squander it with the easiest, first joke they can think of.
These people make a LIVING on making black-and-white line drawings. They have the option of spending 8 HOURS A DAY to keep the jokes flowing.
I know some days the well must run dry, but guess what.
When anyone else in the rest of the universe -- without an ill-deserved syndication tenure -- does their job half-assed, and, in the creative industry, makes the easiest joke, they get sacked.
Along the same vein, the next comedian who makes a joke about viagra -- how the commercial says if you have a four-hour erection to call your doctor, and if YOU have a four-hour erection, the first person you're calling isn't gonna be the doctor unless she's really hot, and by the way, have you seen these drug commercials? Have you seen these? This pill for bladder control has a few side effects. Now, this is true. "Diarrhea, abdominal cramping, headaches, nausea" -- YOU'D rather not have the bladder control! Also Monica Lewinsky! And what's the deal with Michael Jackson! Have you heard this? Clap if you've heard of Michael Jackson. I hear he likes boys! WAH, WAH, WAAAAAH!.....I will personally beat you with the microphone stand until you bleed a joke that is actually funny. Then I will be tried for murder.
Thank you.
Zhubin was kind enough to name me inter-successor to this meme, and I was so happy to be mentioned in someone's blog other than mine, I just had to bite.
The rules to the Caesar's Bath meme are as follows, for those of you who have been living under an inter-rock: Behold, the Caesar's Bath meme! List five things that people in your circle of friends or peer group are wild about, but you can't really understand the fuss over. To use the words of Caesar (from History of the World Part I), "Nice. Nice. Not thrilling...but nice."
I'd also like to point out that I *am* refraining from wasting listing one of my five trends as "Memes," because as the delightful Rick pointed out a few weekends ago, irony and self-referential humor is totally out, and cheerful honesty is the new irony.
So here we go.
My damn uncle was *IN* "Bottle Rocket," and I still hated it! Except for his scene, of course, wherein I think the writing was overshadowed by the brilliant acting and the amazing way he was able to convey that he had a super awesome neice.
I get to name the next people I hope will read this entry without me emailing this link to them and clearing my throat loudly, so I pass the torch onto the Damn Dirty Hippie, Matthew A. Little, and anyone who's alive over at SDO.
Well, my brother just officially entered the Air Force as an officer.
He is now a 2nd Lieutenant, and I'm very proud of him.
I just got back from Colorado and sat through two of the possibly most boring commencement ceremonies of any college ever. Well, to be fair, I don't remember much of mine because I spent it playing my gameboy and reading a copy of Maxim. Also, for those of you who don't know, University of Colorado Boulder is notorious not only for its riots and drug and alcohol abuse, but it's rampant with hippies.
And I'm not talking the people I usually label as "hippies" who are actually nice, normal people who happen to have some liberal opinions on things, I am talking homeless, stoned, long-haired Willie Nelson after a three-month anti-shower binge lookalikes. And that's just the professors!
But seriously, folks. The general consensus over there is none too happy to be providing soldiers and airmen to the government when these men could be eating Ben & Jerry and listening to Phish like a real citizen.
Needless to say, Ryan was none too happy when, during the journalism school's commencement, the dean read off some future plans of its graduates, conspicuously skipping over Ryan's plans to serve our country for the next 10 years, but luckily landing on the person after him who was looking into a stunning career in the brewing, frothing, and serving of various flavored coffees.
Anyway, I cried like a wee little school girl when I pinned his bars on his shoulder. But I couldn't get the pin through his uniform and into the clasp, so I punched them into his shoulder so I wouldn't look like a wuss.
So, way to go, Ryan!
The few, the proud, the...be all you can be.
What the hell is the Air Force slogan?
I just sent the following letter to usatoday.com, and I'm just sure I'm going to get a quick and apologetic response...(eyes rolling out of my head)
Movie Spoilers ahead. A lot.
"Dear USA Today,
I just want to thank Claudia Puig for giving away the end to the Harry Potter movie.
No paragraph in a review should ever, EVER begin with "For the climactic scene in which..." and then give away a supporting character dying.
Movie reviews are getting so out of hand, that they force regular people like me to quickly flip past any movie section, lest the spread be a huge picture of the main characters and huge headline giving away a plot secret. Causing people to furiously flip past sections should be something journalists generally want to avoid.
If Claudia is so eager to brag that she saw the premiere and knows what happens or got to interview Daniel Radcliffe, I suggest she get ahead of the game and write an article on how < big spoiler I left in the letter, but am omitting here >
She should also mention to anyone who didn't catch it a decade ago, that Keyser Soze is Kevin Spacey and the chick is really a guy from "The Crying Game." Also: Rosebud is the name of Kane's sled.
Why should any of us see movies anymore?
Send my thanks to Claudia Puig."
I left out of the letter my wishes that Claudia Puig and her whole family die in a fire, but I assume it was implied.
I just watched the new episode of Family Guy, and I have to admit that I give it a B-. And most of that is for novelty and happiness that it's back on.
And for the record, I know this episode has been leaked on the internet since Seth MacFarlane was in 4th grade, but I for one still enjoy the sanctity of watching a television event.
Sure, that television was without commercials because I recorded it on my Tivo, and sure, I watched it from three rooms away because I own x-ray glasses, but some things I hold sacred, ma'am.
I laughed. I laughed out loud. The same elements of slapstick that I always loved and hoped to see again were right there, but there was more.
Too much more.
First off, I detest obvious computer graphics.
Yes, I know everyone does it, but that doesn't make it right.
When I used to watch Futurama, I was all into the show up until the ship took off.
Then suddenly no longer could I lap up Bender's sarcastic comments or Leila's sassy replies because the show suddenly looked like Jimmy Neutron fucking the cast of Monsters Inc.
It's distracting when there are 2-dimentional characters zooming around a mall with perfect resolution and each car part is individually rendered and bump-mapped and source-coded and FTPed and I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about anymore.
CG can kiss my shiny, metal ass.
But that's not the worst offense.
Family Guy has contracted what I like to call Git-Er-Dun Disease.
This disease is not nearly as new as the actual phrase, but I think it's the best way to describe something that is done solely for the purpose of the underground allure of itself.
I try very hard not to be one of those "I hate this now that it's popular" snobs, because someone who writes something off like that is being just as inauthentic as the people they force themselves to hate. They think people follow trends blindly, so they follow the nonconformist road blindly right behind the line of other nonconformists.
But enough about why I hated high school.
Christopher Walken was a pretty cool actor before he started getting cast in everything as Christopher Walken. Did anyone see Envy? I was envious of anyone watching a different movie.
Throw Christopher Walken on SNL, tell him to say "cowbell," and suddenly, he's the funniest thing since sliced clowns.
Family Guy was hilarious because of its random characters without explanations and "alternative" humor with random squids appearing in kitchens and such.
American Dad tried to cash in a little too much onto this idea by piling a bunch of random scenarios into a character or situation, or coming down with Eugene-Mirman disease.
A nazi-brained-in-love-with-wife goldfish and his alien pal with a voice like ambiguously gay Paul Lynde? Paging Dr. Tries-Too-Hard and his sidekick, Purple Microwave Handglove Keanu-Reeves Cosplayer. See? I can make up a bunch of weird things, too! Give me a sitcom!
That said, Seth knew how to mediate this and do it right, but in this episode, bringing back these beloved characters so known for their randomness seemed so dirty.
Felicia, whose taste in comedy I respect, laughed at the funny parts, but stayed silent through the upside-down face kid, sketchy, pedophile old man, mysterious closet monkey, and Blacky Weather Newscaster guy, and do you want to know why?
Because they were secret nods to the hardcore fans who use the Closet Monkey as their livejournal icon and LOL at the graphic of the Blacky Weather Forecaster.
I'm down with secret nods, but they're even better when they're actually, you know, tied into something that would be funny on its own, not because of it.
But I'm not giving up on them.
I'll keep watching Family Guy, and it's okay if every episode isn't hilarious.
I just don't want it to degenerate into what the average idiot laps up.
Turn on any reality show to hear what the average idiot laps up.
Here's your sign.