April 29, 2005
Instead of working on an actual entry, or the slew of other things I have in my bag o' website tricks, I instead made a bunch of images for your viewing enjoyment.
And by "made," I, of course, mean "googled an image, then put a line of text over top the aforementioned image in Photoshop."
Something Awful aren't the only ones who do Photoshops on Phriday, baby.
File under: Things That Amuse Me And Likely Me Only.
Subcategory: Who The Hell Is That First Image Of?
April 23, 2005
Guys, guys.
I had THE most delicious of lunches today.
McDonalds is apparently attempting to recover from the Supersize Me/Atkins/Health Food craze, or as I like to call it, "The Delicious Food for Lauren Embargo of '04," and for once, I agree with them.
My dear cohort Justin has opened my eyes to many a thing, including but not limited to: the evils of our government, the "downside" to destroying wildlife for oil, and the fact that maybe we should regulate a tiny bit the nation's fat kids shoving their faces full of cafeteria Twinkies all day long.
With this in mind, when I saw drove up to the McDonalds and saw the advertisement for an Apple-Grape-Walnut-Yoghurt Salad, I didn't immediately think, "Oh, drop the act and inject my veins with Big Mac secret sauce," like I do in almost every situation.
No, I felt proud that healthy food advocates were making a tiny bit of a difference. Then I looked in the rearview and saw a minivan full of Boobah-shaped middle America, and I realized that this poor salad was probably going to go under without even being given a chance.
It was up to me!
I ordered that damn salad, and if it wasn't the most delicious thing I've eaten since I made Pretzel/Strawberry Surprise, I'll eat my hat, provided it is made with that delicious salad.
Man. If health food shows have taught me anything, it's that the trick to eating healthy is mixing food groups. You can eat 100 apples and not feel full, but when you throw in yoghurt and walnuts, some magic happens and you're good to go.
Now, I'll be honest. The yoghurt did taste a little bit too delicious to be 100% healthy and the walnuts were candied, but I'm sure it's healthier than what I could have had.
I'm also sure that soon, healthy-food McDonalds-Hatas are gonna prove that eating this salad causes Contagious Exploding Head Cancer or something, but I'll relish in its deliciousness for now.
I just hope no trendy hipsters make a new documentary called "Supersize My Contagious Exploding Head Cancer" or some crap and ruin this venture as well.
When "Supersize Me" came out and McDonalds threatened to stop supersizing, I sure as hell said to myself, "Aw, crap, now I gotta buy two orders of fries?!" and echoed with the inner monologues of most of America.
So, thank you, McDonalds for doing your part.
Please, please, please no one find a finger in the yoghurt.
I KNOW she was lying, but until I start growing walnut limbs, the whole situation is very unappetizing.
April 21, 2005
Don't you love it when people force alliterations using letters the words didn't originally start with?
I sure do.
Anyway, I made a new link for you to flaunt my amazing talent that can only be equated to your average 5-year-old girl in the 1800s. Knitting! Knit 'er done!
That's the first of many knitting-related puns I will bombard you with until I get sick of this hobby and light all my yarn on fire like I have with all my ill-fated ephemeral hobbies.
I am also soon adding a Grammar section to this site, so I can get reams of email from people pointing out when I disobeyed my own rule. Well, technically, they're not MY rules, but these people will still technically be dickheads.
(You can start by complaining that the first sentence of this entry ends with a preposition!)
Also, Melissa is great and everyone should love her and buy her presents so she shows me around L.A. and forgives me for not mentioning her in my last post which is the last of many promises to her that I've broken.
PS -- I'm giving your Counting Crows shirt back when I move out there.
I didn't really set it on fire and throw it out the window accidentally.
April 19, 2005
I'm a little surly tonight.
I just got back from the Funny Bone, where somehow it leaked that I was making a move this August.
Somehow it also leaked on my website. Two sentences ago. By me.
I'll be honest with you. I'm scared. I'm scared of paying a lot for rent. I'm scared of moving to a town where I know nothing or no one. I'm scared my job won't be the same. I'm scared the comedy scene will hate me.
And what do I find from everyone I know minus maybe four people?
Does my mom give me support? Do the Pittsburgh comedians wish me well?
No. All everyone can do is tell me how much I'm going to have to pay in rent and moving expenses and how hard it is and how I'm slapping them in the face leaving when they've all done so much for me.
It's not discouraging me from moving, or even really making me think a second about not doing it. If anything, it's showing me how badly I really do need to leave this place.
Do the comedians really want me to keep getting $50 every month at some crap bar in Ohio? Does my mom want me to stay living in downtown Pittsburgh forever? I guess they all do.
I'm not chasing some impossible dream. I'm moving. People move all the time.
I've planned this move since before I started comedy, but suddenly, everyone who knows me for 2 years knows better than what I've dreamt since I was 13.
My mom's a bit different, but while it's very flattering that she wants to keep me around, it's not very flattering that she's awfully willing to sacrifice my happiness and keep me in this Charybdis of Hope.
Yeah, you go and you look that up.
Maybe I won't make it. Maybe rent will be too much and I'll hate the city and all of you will be right and I'll send you all awards.
If this happens, do you think I'm moving back here to admit defeat? No.
Is it because of my pride? No.
Is it because of gloating douchebags? Yes.
If I don't make it wherever I'm going, I'll become a soap whittler in Idaho.
Your awards will be in the form of whittled soap.
Maybe I should take it from everyone I know. Maybe I should become a little housewife stuck in a dead town wondering if I would have made it if I had gone where I'd always wanted to go, but neglected because there was a chance I might not make it. Maybe I should end up like 99% of people in the world.
Or maybe I should just take a chance since I'm young and I have enough money and energy and love of a challenge.
All I need to do now is find an apartment.
:) I'm sorry. I had to let it out somewhere, and since I haven't updated since the Carter administration, I figured here was the place to do it.
It was either here or the top of a clocktower.
For a bit of comic relief in this post, allow me to do an impression of our new pope:
Dear World,
I hate the following things: Women. Most men.
Peace, I'm out.
--Pope
Update:
Emperor Popatine!!!
April 12, 2005
Well, at the request of my dear estranged friend, Zhubin, I have created a link button for him, because my obsessive compulsion won't let me use an archaic text link amongst my sea of buttons.
Usually I just make the button from a graphic on the page (Fun Fact: The link buttons to Sexy Losers, Sturge, Air0day, Bill Scott, SDO, and Penitent Man were all custom-made by yours truly), but dear Zhubin's site is a batter composed of text, the color green, and a generous dollop of comedy, baked at 400 degrees and served hilarious.
And, since I'm fairly certain he can't "get me back," I have made him his very own link button out of what is simultaneously the only picture I have of him and a picture with which I might be able to blackmail some money out of him by posting.
And, just to be fair, the picture is taken from this:
I kid because I love.
April 11, 2005
Hey, I just wanted to point out that I added a dessert to recipes, and I have finally finished writing adequate captions for my trip to Aruba.
I also did some pruning on the Links page and added some sites I actually check, as well as sites who participate in my link exchange.
And if you think THAT'S interesting, JUST YOU WAIT!
I went through my camportal and I deleted everyone who didn't link back to me!
Freeloaders!
Granted, there are some who STILL don't, but I consider them "friends who for some reason I don't mind doesn't link to me," "attractive boys," and "even more attractive asian girls."
If you think you were deleted in error, you are wrong.
I navigated some of the most cluttered websites in all the land and found my name buried under a pile of links, and I left them up.
You can apply again, but how hard is it to link me? Really.
I know how livejournals and Blogspot sites work, so don't even try to give me that crap.
Also, I have been working on a few other bits of content to add to my already-cluttered sidebar over there so JUST YOU WAIT.
*disappears in puff of smoke*
*returns real quick in a puff of smoke*
Oh, yeah.
I'll try to lower my hilarious jokes to your level so you can get them.
GIT 'ER DUN!
*another puff of smoke*
April 07, 2005
I would really like to see a poker game between Melissa Joan Hart, David Spade, Lou Diamond Phillips, and...uh...The Mickey Mouse Club.
*rimshot?*
Update: I'm gonna say this again for those of you playing at home.
Real update to come later.
I would really like to see a poker (card) game between Melissa Joan Hart, David Spade, Lou Diamond Phillips, and...uh...The Mickey Mouse Club.
*rimshot?*
April 01, 2005
Please view this entry in Internet Explorer, you silly minority.
KTHXBI.
I hate April Fool's Day, because I don't like tricking people.
Innocent tricks are okay, like balancing a cup of water on someone's door or smearing lotion on a toilet seat are innocuous and everyone shares a good laugh, but there are some people who genuinely want to tell someone some information that ellicits an emotional response for the sole purpose of laughing at the fool who believed them.
I hate all jokes and lies of that sort.
Once the vice president of the club Melissa and I founded and presided over told me that the room we had asked him to reserve for our play the next day told us, on April 1st, that the room was unavailable and we'd have to redecorate a new room somewhere and reblock the whole thing.
Why? Why do people like to see me sweat? This is why I don't believe anything anyone says ever.
But I have no problems with flipping a website around for a hearty laugh felt by all. Especially when it's done by minimal work on my part. Thanks, Justin.
So, I don't have anything else of importance to say, today, at least.
I just needed some blob of text to make it look interesting.
And my being interesting is my April Fool's treat to you.