Let me just say that I am like two degrees of separation from this guy who wrote the fake paper for some dumb chick, then posted it on the interweb, and you crazy interkids out there ganged up on her and made her cry.
It was so obviously a fake paper, and it's no secret that when you plagarize, DUH, and ask someone you don't even know, DUH, you might, DUH, get caught.
So apparently, after he posted this, InterMinions went out and called her and her dean and her mom and grandmother and dentist and now she might get expelled and her life is ruined!!
The internet is awesome.
Anyway, it's kind of neat that I almost know this person who shot into the sky of internet popularity in like one day. It's weird. It's so easy to forget that the internet contains, you know, real people.
In other news, Matt Little ruined the movie "Blade Runner" for me today.
A little note for you people out there who like to ruin movies accidentally: The best thing for you to do when you've made this heinous faux pas, is just pretend you didn't.
Just change the subject. Act like it's not a big deal.
See, because I wasn't really even listening to him until he started gasping and apologizing and telling me he knows how much I hate it when people ruin movies for me.
I WOULDN'T HAVE EVEN NOTICED, but then my brain Tivo rewinded and played the sound bite over and over and now I can only hope I catch amnesia.
So, in conclusion, you should call Matt's dean and get him expelled and make him cry.
To end this entry on a sad note, I have heard through the grapevine of comics that Mitch Hedberg died today.
I can't find any websites on it, and I realize that April Fool's Day is close upon us, but that's the word on the street, and I will be happy to retract it when I am proven wrong.
Comics are known for their love of "practical jokes" and "lies," but I tend to believe this one, because, well, was it much of a shocker when Lenny Bruce or Chris Farley or John Belushi went to the big comedy club in the sky?
Anyway, I hope it's not true.
Update: I still can't find anything on it, so I'm inclined to believe it's not true. Good.
Update Part Deux: Okay, another comedian unrelated to the one I got the first info from called me at 7 A.M. telling me that he heard about it on the radio...yet, still nothing on any website ever.
Does the radio station read this blog? Is this an elaborate hoax to trick gullible Lauren? Are scientists working in secret to create a race of zombie comedians?
...Too soon?
Update Part Three: The Search For Curly's Gold: Comedy Central.com is displaying a banner tinier than my campic, making me start to believe it.
Criminy, people.
Is it in bad taste to suggest that you have to be in a persistent vegitative state to get any press around here?
I know, and I'm sayin' it anyway!
Well, I'm in Aruba.
After sprinting the length of the Miami airport and narrowly making my flight, I got here and commenced with the relaxing.
I'm sure I'll tell you all about it when I get back, along with the posting of some pictures which I have already named Quite Possibly The Worst Pictures of Me on Earth.
Also, on top of all my stupid faces (I've given up trying to look attractive, so I'm trying to look like a goober) for some reason, the suntan lotion I smear over every inch of my body seems to be getting washed off in the water, but only in a FEW places.
Meaning I either look like some sort of radioactive zebra, or that I've come down with the rare skin disease Splotchitis.
Well, my time on this gay computer terminal is about to come to an end.
I am having a good relaxing time here, and we're going on wave runners later today! Huzzah!
Cure for Spotchitis: Fun!
Okay, not really.
But I'll have some anyway!
So, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I think I've come to a conclusion of why The Simpson's sucks.
I know it's a topic that has had much deliberation and debate, and I don't know if a sufficient agreement has been reached, because, to be honest, my attention span on reading online internet webpages if pretty much limited to Zhubin, dooce, and comics about necrophelia and oedipus complexes. (Compleces?)
Anyhoo, I was just talking to my good friend Matt Little about Simpsons philosophy and why it went down the crapper.
He was, of course, defending its genius, saying that it changed the face of irony in comedy, and paved the way for ridiculous hilarity in shows such as Family Guy to come into being.
It got me thinking about the specific rise of the Simpsons.
I remember how my mom didn't let me and Ryan watch it when it first came out, because she thought it was bad, but my uncle told her that it was too funny to miss. Bear in mind that they were already on t-shirts at this point, so my pre-teen mind thought that we were late-bandwagon jumpers. Well, that was about as wrong as Lovejoy thinking Frank Grimes liked to be called "Grimey"!
Here's how I see it. There are an elite few of us who saw the genius from the beginning. Yes, I'm going to rope myself in with the beginning, because comparitively speaking, I was. We appreciated the simple storylines that sometimes wrapped up in a bow, sometimes wandered way off-course. We liked it before they crammed the entire CBS line-up and Billboard chart-toppers in for guest cameos, but appreciated, every once in a while, turning to our family members asking, "Was that Ozzie Smith?"
We caught a lot of the popular culture references and felt proud of ourselves for doing so. This is key. When this occured, we felt a tiny wink transmit unnoticed from the writers right to us. We talked about it at school. A person could sit in class, drum their fingers and say "excellent" and three or four people would bust out into laughter. People started doing the Nelson "HA-ha," the Frink "blaven," and I have no shame in admitting that one of my favorite facial responses to a good rip comes right from Homer Simpson. Just that little whimper and head drop deal. I do it all the time.
Here's the deal. The cool kids got jealous. They wanted to get "it." They wanted to be in on all the jokes and make the references that seemed to make everyone else laugh, that transmitted a wink of acknowledgment from writer to viewer to viewer's friend.
Simpsons was a cultural point of reference. I'd use examples of episodes as actual backing to arguments I had. It was edgy but touching. It pushed limits of mocking the network hand that fed them, and it was unafraid of allowing its characters to be self-referential, without being too formulaic or absurdist. (Appendix A -- Watch almost any show on Cartoon Network. I'm sorry, Seth, but Robot Chicken makes me want to shove my head in a pit of acid.)
But the cool kids fucked everything up, just like they did the video game industry. But we can get to that another day, just as soon as this fire I just set to Felicia's Madden games simmers down.
The cool kids started watching by the droves, and the Simpsons creators noticed. They saw that they had to beef up whatever it was that made them so great, which was, of course, the irony, pithy statements on society, and the inside-joke winks. But it became absurd.
The people who loved it for so long noticed that the creators were trying too hard, and the cool people didn't get the jokes that they were trying so hard to make, because cool people are idiots!
Also, another absurd tendency popped up -- the writers began making winking inside jokes about their own damn show! Oftentimes, you couldn't even get some joke without puzzle-piecing together two unrelated jokes from unrelated episodes in unrelated seasons. And can I just say, if I never hear from Crazy Cat Lady again in my life, it will be too soon?
So, the "die-hard" cool kids who liked Simpsons for a second and maybe caught *a* joke in the first episode they saw, started saying "Simpsons suck now" is so mind-numbingly ironic, it's like Hitler putting his hands on his hips and shaking his head at Poland, saying "Wow, the population really sucks now."
IT'S YOUR FAULT COOL KIDS!! DAMN YOU!!!
So, that's what happened to the Simpsons. Now, I can only assume that the hardest-hardy-hard-hard core kids continue to watch. The ones that love that Cat Lady and other lesser-known characters and eagerly await them to utter a line so's they can add it to their internet list of quotes. Unfortunately, the coolio-cool-14-year-olds also watch, because of the gratuitous use of trendy cameos of Trendy McWhore-of-the-Moment.
So, that's my opinion. I have officially written a Simpsons diatribe on the Internet. Like every person ever.
I'd like to like the Simpsons again. I love the old episodes.
It just doesn't have the Sunday magic it used to.
Okay, I don't really hate the Simpsons that much. I'm just trying to get back at them for making Marge's weapon in the arcade game a vacuum cleaner. And my brother and his friends for making me play her.
- I have the Ducktales TV show theme song in my head.
- Sometimes I get the strongest urge to meow really loudly at work. Sometimes it's so strong, I worry I'll do it without even thinking.
- I think about what I'm eating for lunch for 2/3 of my day, and for the other 1/3, I'm either eating it, or remembering how good it was.
- I just learned a new grammar rule about when and when not to use a comma before "because"! Fun!
- The way you use it is probably wrong.
- I am going to Aruba next Wednesday and Jordan and I are going to funnenize the whole damn country.
- D-D-D-D-Danger lurks behind you. There's a stranger out to find you. What to do? Just grab onto some Ducktales.
- Not ponytails, not cotton tails, no, Ducktales. Whoo-ooh!
Ah, here.
Take some old pictures of me and my little brother.
Just don't get your dirty fingerprints on them.
PS -- Every word in this post is spelled wrong.
Some new things I just realized I hate:
-People who wear "Vote for Pedro" shirts.
-Any montage in movies or television wherein the person must workout and bulk up, and they end up running up stairs of some capital building in a jogging suit.
-Natalie Teeger.
-Mitch Hedberg. Sorry, I'm not into drugs. I'm Lauren, man, not Bob Dylan.
Dad: Lauren, do you even know who Bob Dylan is?
Lauren: No. But I know he died of drugs.
Dad: Lauren, Bob Dylan's alive and well. I produced his last 3 albums.
Lauren: Oh, you mean Uncle Robert?
Dad: Yeah.
Lauren: Oh, he didn't die of drugs.
Things I just realized I love:
-Purposely saying nonsense words to the automated help lines so they just give up and connect me with an agent. Sometimes I just make a loud sneeze noise!
-The TV show "Home Movies." H. Jon Benjamin, you've finally found a way to fill the Dr. Katz-shaped hole in my heart.
-Knitting is fucking METAL.
-Cooking! I'm such a good little wife.
-http://gorillamask.net/ Where have you been all my life?
-The IRS. Thanks for the refund, CHUMPS! AHAHAHA!
Well, as you can expect, ever since Paris Hilton's cell phone got hacked, I have been getting nonstop calls.
They were mostly, "*DID* you date Fred Durst?" and "How do you know Paris Hilton?" and "I don't even exist!"
Trust me, I'm getting tired of it.
An ex-boyfriend of mine is becoming a daddy in about a month.
So that means, of the people who have dumped me:
Bastard Child? Check.
Abortion? Check.
Warrant out for arrest in two states: Check.
Became Gay: Check.
Became an Alcoholic? Check.
Well, unless you're one of the witty watercooler comedians out there and "alcoholics go to meetings," then scratch that last one to become:
Parties like he's come down with Vince Vaughnian "Old School" syndrome? Check.
Since I like using colons, let's keep going with this, eh?
(You thought I was going to say "let's go to the bathroom," didn't you? No? You're a better man than I, my good sir.)
Stupidist thing I've said in the last week: "My legs hurt so much, but I never do anything athletic! I think it's muscle apathy."
Stupidest thing Felicia has said in the past week: (After watching Ray Romano tell a joke about masturbating with soap) "Wouldn't the soap have to have a hole in the middle?"
Irritating grammar correction of the week: People who pronounce NASA (nass-uh) as "Nassau" (nass-ow). Unless I'm crazy, NASA *is* in Nassau County, but still. Words are different for a reason. Otherwise dictionaries would be quite short.
Best detective show in history: Monk.
Times I went skiing today: 1
Times I fell: 2
People who laughed hysterically and clapped both times: Everyone in the chair lift above me.