January 29, 2005
Well, if you don't like Spoilers, don't read ahead.
Although I'm only about 10 hours into Kotor 2 and it's hard to call something a spoiler that happens in the first seven seconds of a game.
Anyway, much like what happened when Kotor 1 came out, I've been yearning for some '70s George Lucas lovin', and I popped "Empire Strikes Back" into the ol' PS2.
Now, I had noticed some similarities between the sequel of the game and Episode V whilst playing, but I have forgotten many specifics of the movie I hadn't seem since about the '80s, and I would like to list here how many absolutley ridiculous similarities there are.
Apparently the game developers were instructed to watch Episode V over and over Clockwork-Orange style and then "come up with" ideas for the game.
So without further ado, here are some similarities:
Remember, if you haven't played Kotor 2 and want to, don't read this:
Yes, I know I posted a while ago about how I hate people who talk about spoilers. Why don't you whine in my comments about it?:
For those of you skipping this part, there's a section at the end where I talk about something else briefly. Skip down to where it says HERE!:
And now, on with the similarities:
- Kreia loses her hand. Luke loses his hand.
- Bao-Dur has a robotic arm. Luke has a robotic hand.
- Secret Jedi base on Ice Planet (Telos -- well, an ice-covered part of it). Secret Rebel base on Ice Planet (Hoth).
- Ebon Hawk needs repairs by an R2 unit. Millenium Falcon nees repairs by an R2 unit.
- Hawk flies through asteroid field. Falcon flies through asteroid field.
- Darth Sion looks like his face is falling off. We get a first glimpse at the back of Darth Vader's head, which looks like it's falling off.
- They think Luke's the last Jedi, but there is another. Plus, Luke's not even a full Jedi yet. They think I'm the last Jedi, but there is another. Plus, I'm not technically a Jedi anymore.
- Sexy pilot Han is in love with Leia. Sexy pilot Atton is in love with me. Well...at night...when the game is off...in my dreams.
- Luke makes out with Leia. My character makes out with sister. (HIDDEN SIDEQUEST!!)
Okay, so there aren't that many similarities, but THERE ARE ENOUGH and probably more later, if I could fucking not die every fight. I should have given myself more strength.
HERE!
In other news, I know this happens to everyone, but it freaked me out.
Today, I put in a CD and I cleaned my room.
I went on the coomputer and looked through the Livejournal image page for awhile and IMed some of my friends.
I made myself a sandwich and ate some Cheetos.
I talked to my mom on the phone and I watched some TV.
Then I fucking woke up!
What the hell?! It was the most uneventful, realistic dream, and so now, this whole day I've been thinking "Oh, man, I should tell Justin I listened to his CD while I was cleaning...Wait. No, I didn't." Or "I should tell Tu2 that I saw what he was talking about...wait. I imagined what he was talking about." And now when I clean my room and make my sandwich, I'm like "Didn't I already DO this?!"
I guess it's cool. Three-day weekend?
January 26, 2005
And now for an installment of Teaching Everything To Everyone.
I have been hearing a few things lately that I absolutely cannot stand to let exist any longer. I hope everyone in the world reads this, because you idiots need to.
1. It's STATUTE of limitations. Not STATUE. I believe there was a whole fucking Seinfeld episode on this one. There is no statue of limitations standing anywhere but Idiotland, where you come from.
I heard this one on the radio today, which is not too odd, because DJs often spell the name of their job wrong, but I was still surprised.
It's statute. As in, "The statute of limitations on whether or not I can be arrested after punching you in your stupid face is one year."
2. The word "MYSELF" is a reflexive pronoun which can NEVER be used as a subject or a direct or indirect object.
It is used as emphasis and reflection and nothing else because your SELF is an intangible entity!
People always think they sound smart and professional when they say, "Contact Jim or myself," or "Blow Steve or myself," or "Myself are a dummy."
Do that age-old magical word erase-o and you'll learn that the correct term is either "me" or "I" depending on context.
If you don't believe myself, yourself are a dummy.
3. Ellipsis...I'm not even gonna think about it anymore.
4. The word "ACRONYM" means an actual spoken word that is made of a series of letters. Like SCUBA and SNAFU and LASER.
An ABBREVIATION is some letters spoken as letters. Like FBI or IRC.
I heard Al Roker, while reporting on the unspeakable dangers of the interweb, warning parents to be aware of sly acronyms their children use online such as "LOL" or "OMG."
Not only were there Dave-Barry-esque comical ones that absolutely no one uses like IHTSCOWOWWYMPASRBMWCLITFPF!!! (hip computer kid lingo for "I Have To Stop Cybering On World Of Warcraft With You, My Parents Are Standing Right Behind Me, We'll Continue Later In The Furry Porn Forums!"), but LOL isn't an acronym, buddy.
Maybe Mr. Roker should buy a dictionary with all the money he's saved not eating cheeseburgers.
5. This isn't so much a rule as it...should be.
Adding "(sp?)" after a word is not a "get out of being an idiot free" card.
Either take the time to look the word up, or if you really have no clue, just leave the (sp?) out.
You're just as stupid with the (sp?) as if you left it out, because you still made the mistake. Now, I don't claim to know every word or its spelling, but I OWN UP.
I make my mistake and I'm loud and proud and here and queer and I don't want any more bears.
Come on, if that little (sp?) thing were even worth the time to write to save you from looking ignorant, why don't we each append (EVERYTHING I JUST SAID MAY HAVE BEEN STUPID, I DON'T KNOW?!?) after everything we say?
Maybe we should, little man. Maybe we should.
Well, that's it for me.
This is not a comprehensive list of my pet peeves, but something I thought needed to be nipped in the bud before I nipped it for you. Or something.
Come on. Learn the rules.
I'm tired of being the smartest person in the world ever.
P.S. -- No, I'm not.
January 23, 2005
Listen, if you're not a nerd and you don't like video games and you don't care about what's going on in mine, don't read any further.
As a matter of fact, why are you even here?
Anyway, so, here's what I suspect happened.
Christmastime is looming on the horizon, and Kotor 2 has just been skeletally concieved. Halo 2 and WoW have just come out and Kotor 1 is still riding on the coattails (Jedi Robe tails?) of the 2003 Game of the Year Award.
So, psh, WHY TEST the fucking game, when you can release it in time for Lauren to find more bugs in it than live in her bathroom?!? (Hyperbolic joke made for emphasis. I have one spider in my bathroom.)
I swear, this game is RIDICULOUS. I can't believe more people haven't complained about this!! Maybe I got a bum disk or something.
Each time I encounter something strange, I hop onto gamefaqs to see if it's explained that I've actually done something wrong (likely), but they just blow it off, too!
Granted, they couldn't be to thorough this soon after being released, but come on. I just read a FAQ that said more or less "Activate a damaged HK unit. Walk two steps. The HK unit will explode. Continue on your way."
Nothing else. Nothing like "if you had better Computer skills, it wouldn't explode" or "The explosion actually sets off a security alarm that frees evil robots in the holding room," NOTHING.
Okay, that I'll live with.
And okay, I'm not the best at fighting games, all right? I've never divvied up my points to their optimal performance, and I died more than a few times in Kotor 1, but I am kicking the bucket every fucking battle here!
As a matter of fact, I was recently hit with 3 assasin droids and I could NOT beat them. All three of my characters would die within seconds of battle (after, by the way, having to sit through a 15-minute long cut scene EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.)
Okay, so I was trying to figure out my options here. I would try to run, but my stubborn compatriots would stay and fight and get killed -- SIDE NOTE: another gripe I have with the AI in this game. Sometimes the character I'm controlling will go balls-to-the-wall and whale on the enemy, whilst the two other characters, who I've PROGRAMMED to follow closely and attack on sight, hang out three rooms over and comically stretch their arms as if they're so bored.
On the other hand, I've also discovered a sneaky way to "cheat" the game. Sometimes, in the middle of the battle, I will MAKE my character run three rooms over and heal. Now, technically, you're not supposed to be able to do this when you have unconscious characters, and it takes a LONG time, so I bring a book to read.
But again, sometimes when one character is dead, you'll lead the other two off to heal, and whichever one you're not actively controlling will hungrily ignore your commands and run off to fight, and when you force them back in the room, the OTHER will run out. Very frustrating.
So, as I was saying, I was fighting these impossible assasin droids, and in addition to not being able to heal quickly when a character is unconscious, a hard-and-fast rule from Kotor 1 is that you CANNOT go into another section of the map when there's a fallen character.
Well, I happen to be running around while the Droids hand 2 of my characters' asses to each other, and they're lying in the snow, dead, and BY MERE CHANCE, I run off into a snow bank and JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT try to get into another section of the map. AND IT WORKS! Cheap.
I was supposed to get hella experience from these impossible droids, too, I found out from gamefaqs, but I really don't know how I was supposed to beat them.
I mean, maybe I could understand if I was supposed to lead the WHOLE party away, but I broke a rule in the game and it worked in my favor. Whoop de do.
And that's just the anomalies. There are some flat-out oversights that are really starting to piss me off. On more than one occasion, my character, who is a GIRL, has been referred to one more than one occasion as a "he." Ditto the character I played in Kotor 1, which I ALSO made it clear was a girl, has been referenced many times in this game as a "he." Now that's just a programming error. Get on the ball, here, people. Porkfry, do something.
Well, it makes me tired just thinking about it.
I'm going to bed!
January 17, 2005
And now, the Golden Globe for best Christmas Purchase that sort of seemed sucky because of all the hubs and routers and cables she had to buy, not to mention the $300 Activation Fee that she has to foot herself...
Lauren's ReplayTV (TiVo++) for its ability to fast-forward past commercials, slow-walking award-winners sitting seemingly four theaters away, and boring acceptance speeches.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ReplayTV: Thank you, thank you. I'd like to thank everyone who was involved in getting me to Lauren. I'd like to apologize to the customer service people that she screamed on the phone to who told her initially that her order didn't come through because "they were closed," to which she yelled "THE INTERNET DOESN'T CLOSE!!!"
I'd like to thank Justin for setting up the routers and hubs and airports and leprechauns and unicorns that make me work.
I'd like to thank TechTV for telling Lauren that TiVo sucks and I am great.
[ Voice breaking ]
I just wouldn't have done it without you guys!
[ MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY ]
Wait, I'd also like to assure Felicia that someday she will understand how my remote works, instead of staring at it like a grandmother stares at an ATM, before throwing it on the couch and stomping away muttering about "kids" and their "newfangled appliances" and "talking picture boxes" and "make-out parties." Hang in there, Felish!
[ AN USHER SIDLES UP TO REPLAYTV ]
No, no, wait! I'd also like to thank Monk and Jeopardy! for having marathons, and no thanks to shows like Home Movies and Arrested Development who are only on once a week! You guys suck!
[ AN USHER BEGINS TO DRAG REPLAYTV OFFSTAGE ]
Hey, wait! You're really Usher! Sheesh, can't you get any work in this town?!
Robin Williams: Is it time for people to pay attention to me and laugh at every word that comes out of my mouth, regardless if it was intended to be a joke or not?
[ JIM CARREY AND WILL FERRELL ATTACK ROBIN WILLIAMS WITH CHLOROFORM AND DRAG HIM OFFSTAGE ]
ReplayTV: Let's see that again with my Quick Rewind function!!!
January 09, 2005
Well, I was going to do a whole year-in-review thing that I like to do, so I'm going back over my old entries, starting with January, and as I stumbled upon the first post of last January where I reviewed the previous year, I came to the comclusion that, well, this year was pretty much uneventful.
I mean, sure, cool stuff went down, but so many life-changing things happened two years ago, that I don't know if this last year had a prayer.
Ah, well.
Prepare to be bored.
2004, we barely knew ye
January
- I wrote last year's year-in-review.
- I'm an idiot.
- I let Jed guest blog on this site, and the internet tore him a new vagina.
- I got a new job and found an apartment to live in with Felicia.
February
- I started the hard-to-update-because-see-I-have-this-other-website-I-can-barely-be-interesting-on DG^3 with three other intarweb hot shots who, between you and me (and them) have enough trouble updating their *own* sites, if you know what I mean. *wink*
- ...Wait a second, that wasn't innuendo at all.
- Moved into my new apartment.
- Visited Joe in Baltimore and got him to fix (break) my (okay, already broken) computer, then give me a new motherboard.
- Started new job.
Odd sensation of not wanting to kill myself every single day still hard to get used to.
March
- Watch "Dawn of the Dead." Terror of zombies begins a new chapter of my life. Roommate does great impression of zombies.
- Become broke, sell most of my life on eBay.
- Join an Improv group. What is left of my life is now p0wned by rehearsals and writers' meetings.
April
- I stop watching Comedy Central. My One Channel Of Choice is now Nickelodeon, because I seem to be regressing in age. Don't fuck with my Fairly Odd Parents. (BEST SHOW EVAR)
- Start working nights. Insomnia cured. Wishing to kill myself every day...slowly returning.
- I go on my first road trip, complete with hotel and everything. Clearly, this was the pinacle of my comedy career.
- Health insurance kicks in. I purchase my patented "Naughty Secretary" glasses.
Become more popular.
May
- I manage to talk about Iraqi prisoners, 9/11, abortions, Catholisism, my dad nearly losing his job, and zombies IN ONE POST. *sigh* Man, it exhausts me to just *think* of that.
I'm glad I don't care about stuff anymore.
- Um. Other stuff happens? Begin slippery slope of non-updating?
June
- Spur-of-the-moment Road Trip to New York with Felicia. Best adventure ever!
- Decide that since I work nights, SHIT, why not take on another job, and work at the Theater Camp?!
- Develop unhealthy crushes on underage campers and staff members.
- Sprain my ankle which continues to hurt as I type this, because Physical Therapy does not grow on trees.
- Lack of sleep causes me to whine a lot about how sad my life is. BO-RING!
July
- Theater Camp performances rock. I have my monthly Anxiety Attack backstage during a scene change.
- Skipped out on HBF Vegas fun time in exchange for some "me" time.
- Dropped out of Improv troupe for some "me" time.
- Decided I would relax and play video games and do whatever I wanted because I deserved it! (Have not stopped)
- Turn 24. Whee.
August
- Trade my iPod to my brother for an Xbox. My iPod was broken, sucka!
- Start playing KOTOR. Life changes. Faith in video games re-affirmed.
- Visit Melissa in L.A. Promise to move there "L.A."S.A.P.
(Did not actually make that joke until right now. Would have been funnier six months ago.)
- I complain about the comic Zippy. It is soon removed from syndication, at least in my city.
I make a difference!
September
- Continue doing my mediocre 10 minutes of comedy for apathetic crowds.
I was apathetic once. So apathetic, that I almost entered an Apathy Contest, but, eh...
I won.
- Okay, so I get my first paid gig at the Funny Bone. Still, though. Suckola.
- Many KOTOR related jokes in posts and life ensue.
October
- Back to day shift! Life begins anew!
- Visit to Baltimore again for Halloween season.
- Begin bothering inter-best-friend to visit me finally after almost 3 frigging years.
- Elections coming. Impending feeling that entire country hates me.
November
- Feeling confirmed!
- Road gig way the fuck out there. Ridiculously underpaid for travel length, but just about right for quality of humor.
- Visit brother's frat house in Boulder for Thanksgiving. Give thanks that I am not a boy.
December
- Inter-best-friend visits. Fun ensues.
- Decide I'm artistic, and begin making mosaics.
- Christmastime and New Year's are tons of fun. First for both celebrated on my own, in my apartment.
Well, there you have it.
I guess, looking back, it wasn't so back. Not as epic, but not every year can be.
It ended up pretty good, and I think this year's gonna shape up to be not so shabby.
I read that my last year's resolution was not to make any more resolutions and to abolish as many as I'd previously made, so I think I'll stick with that one.
Dear Lauren One Year From Now,
You'd better have been funny this last year, because reading over *my* past years' entries have been a laugh riot.
January 06, 2005
- List of websites that people still visit despite the irresponsible lack of updates
- Maddox - Skillions of people continue to visit his website everyday, even though he barely keeps up an updating schedule of once per month. Why people don't complain: he will kill you with his bare gifs.
- Sturge - Arguably the only diaryland page worth reading, Sturge only makes updates when he can drag himself up to his keyboard from a drunken stupor on the ground. Why people don't complain: wait, does anyone go here but me?
- Jim Norton - Hates his blog so much, he actually complains about it on XM radio. Why people don't complain: they're worried he might piss on them.
- Strong Bad - Okay, okay, so we don't all have to put in the time and effort it takes to put together one of these, and yes, there are other aspects of the site to take into consideration (for no reason, because no one goes there anyway), but come on. I need scathing grammatical comentary once a WEEK, damnit! Why people don't complain: Fear of Strong Mad?
- The Editing Room - Okay, so I can't really say much, since he updated thrice in the last month, but it was after a three-month hiatus. Why people don't complain: Because Rod will turn your complaint into a tounge-in-cheek social commentary that is both pithy, accurate, and hilarious.
- List of websites that update a ridiculous amount of times within any given period
- Dooce - I believe she continued blogging as she was going through labor. I have reason also to believe that she continually refreshed her comments page in order to recieve Lamaze instructions from helpful fans.
- Emma - Save for family holidays, theses, or particularly addictive video games, Emma updates not only her blog without fail, but also her interesting links on the sidebar. My hat goes off to you, good nerd.
- Something Awful - Despite having near-incomprehensible articles (unless written by the delightful Spokker Jones, or Ben "Greasnin" Platt (where have you gone?!)), the sidebar always contains interesting Weekend Webs, PhotoShop Phridays, and Comedy Goldmines.
- eBay - I mean, come ON, people. This site updates all the damn TIME. It's too daunting, I just can't compete.
All right, all right, I'm not dead.
I have company from out of town, and it's sort of rude to sneak away and try to make poignant updates when you're trying to be a good host. I promise I'm still here, and I'm thinking of you so much that you've crept into my sub-conscious, and when I had a dream the other night about being hit in the face with a bowling ball, my first dream-thought was not the years of reconstructive surgery, but rather, "Sweet! now they really can't be pissed off if I don't update! I got hit in the face with a fucking *bowling ball*!"
Until next time.
Or slightly after I do actually get hit in the face by a bowling ball.