December 22, 2004
Well, I'm not gonna make it much longer, guys.
Like apparently every other person on the planet, I am sick right now.
I'm updating from my room at my mom's house on a strict diet of crackers and ginger ale, rocking back and forth in my pajamas, and wondering what it's like to feel healthy.
I should have a nice Christmas update for you cats, even though my family is all non-traditional heathens, and I'm pretty sure we're celebrating it tonight.
You see, my brother is going on a skiing trip that leaves Chrismas morning, and since he counts more than me, and my mom has inexplicably told me to "stay in my room for the length of time that it would take to secretly put presents out." Now, call me Sherlock, but I'm pretty sure it's Christmas in the house of Cox.
I'm a little upset, because I left my present for them at my house, because guess what, IT'S DECEMBER 22nd!!!
I just thought I should let you all know why I haven't been updating and all, and that this time I have a legitamate excuse.
Let's hope I don't vomit at work again tomorrow!
December 18, 2004
I think I heard a zombie today at lunch.
It might have been someone doing some sort of moan-cough, but just to be on the safe side, I bought a shotgun.
Update: I just got to a page in America The Book that refered to "democracy" as "democrazy." Even though it was technically written and published and purchased by me long before I typed my blog yesterday, I still feel like I have reason to believe Jon Stewart stole my joke via Time Machine.
December 17, 2004
Democracy? More like demo-crazy.
Why didn't I come up with this Comedy Gold during the election?
I could have had a Comedy Fort Knox by now.
December 16, 2004
Either somebody in this office just slightly burnt some popcorn, or my computer's on fire and it smells delicious.
December 15, 2004
Well, I may have said to you that I haven't updated because I had company in town.
The real reason is that I can't stop loading and reloading this damn site.
For those of you out of the loop, or in the loop, or if I've told you before and forgotten and you're about to hear it again, this site is a constantly updating collection of images -- specifically, the last 200 to be posted on LiveJournal.
And I cannot stop looking at it.
It is absolutely the most interesting thing in the world to me.
Because it's absolutely a cross-section in time. And it has no context.
A picture of someone you see could be the person who just updated about their day at school. Or it could be the person who updated's worst enemy. Or it could be someone who just died that a friend posted as a memorial.
People scan in their report cards, upload pictures from their latest parties, or simply the silly-image-from-the-web-du-jour like Tara Reid's breast or something.
Anyway, I came across this image...
...which, in turn, belongs to a LiveJournal that my better judgment has told me not to post, but an excerpt of which, you can view here.
It terrified me.
It was a terrifying glimpse into the future that I had never come up with.
Let's say just for a second that the internet has only been mainstream for a good five years.
Yes, yes, I know, your grandfather invented the internet, and a disk drive saved you from a pack of wolves and raised you as its own. Just listen.
Livejournal itself has only been around since 1999, and web design has only consisted of things other than basic-html-table-atrocities or WYSIWYG vomit for a very short time.
I was very lucky to have a T1 connection in college right around the time the internet was heating up, I feel.
Before that, even though I had a 28.8, there was nothing worth seeing that would inspire me to bug my mom to get anything greater than that, save for AOL Backstreet Boys fansites or the four people at my high school who had websites because they were enrolled in "Super Smart Computer ++" and had such intriguing content on their sites as:
"Things I like"
When I finally stepped onto the Information Superhighway, myself, I did sort of wish I were one of those nerds. Unfortunately, I'm the rare breed of nerd not blessed with any sort of Scientific Ability traits, but abundant in the ones involving Not Liking People and Sitting Home Alone Playing Video Games.
I couldn't telnet or usenet or fetch my way out of a paper cluster.
I still can only mildly irc and ftp and all sorts of other embarrassing things that I shouldn't even mention here to keep you from losing all respect for me.
And it's not bad enough that I was on a Macintosh until 2000.
I know, I know, the age-old debate is tiresome, but seriously, as user-friendly as Macs appear, if you don't want to type something up in ClarisWorks or play Solitaire or something, it's sort of difficult. It's a different way of thinking.
When I got a PC, I realized that if at first something doesn't seem right, there are about 1,000 ways you can cheat your way around getting it to work!
Like most people, I started out an idiot. Before I even had this site, I was a forum dweeb, hanging out in the Winamp forums, trying to fake my way through PaintShop to gain the respect of some yahoos. As I grew, (minimally) I learned the rules of posting, netiquette, and manners (how these lessons remain hidden to 98% of the idiots out there, I'll never know).
Being a writer all my life, it was also a wonderful way for me to express my personality through the written language.
Just as in that Far Side comic, if you see a guy in a deer-hunting hat, tweaking out, twitching and holding a shotgun, it's nature's way of saying "Stay Away."
Just so on the internet.
"Yo dudez asl?/ i like pie" is not only the internet's way of saying "I'm a moron," but it says that the person doesn't have enough patience to try and show his personality.
And "asshole" is not a personality. No matter how many forum wacky hipsters will try to tell you otherwise.
Shit, I've stumbled off topic.
Okay, I started talking about this, because back in the day, the majority of the people I talked to online were my age. Those that weren't were usually younger, which stands to reason, because computers that people could actually use were just coming into being, so they could hypothetically use them at a younger age.
I'm surprised that my hot cousin Jordan's first words in 1989 weren't "Bad command or file name?!" considering how many times young 9-year-old Lauren screamed it at her grandparents' computer trying to load up Douchey the Douchebag Teaches Division.
But there was also the breed of adult who were either computer geniuses from way back or the even rarer breed of old dogs who could learn new tricks.
(Side note: My mother has gone to weekly computer meetings at the local library for almost 10 years, and she still doesn't know what an email attachment is or how to open one.)
So, yes, on the internet, my visions of adults all settled around my old friend Mauman, and I was never very far off.
It's no offense. They were just older than us, and smarter than everyone their own age. But still...they were like...grown-ups. With kids and mortgages and shit.
But now that the internet has become SO user-friendly, people my fucking MOM'S age can be camwhores!
I knew the time would come, but I thought it would be when camwhores grew UP.
I always think of this shit when I see some idiot with a "Limp Bizkit" tattoo or something like that and laugh at how 40 years from now their grandkids are going to think that tattoo is about as hardcore as the polyp right next to it.
But I thought I was going to be given a couple decades!
This livejournal is so embarrassing!
Please, somebody. Please shoot me if, when I am 46, *if* I still blog, I have an avatar that says fucking "Trouble."
I've already come to terms with the fact that when I'm 30, I can't wear t-shirts with wacky phrases on them. At 35, I shouldn't be allowed to quote South Park episodes. At 40, I can no longer use the phrase "What's up" and the jury's still out on if I will continue to meow at all.
And God forbid any other more trendy phrases come along that 40-year-old Lauren tries to use to be cool.
I'm sure I've offended some people with this, but please just check out that livejournal and you'll understand my point.
I'm sure that lady is an absolute delight in real life, and I'm sure my mom and her could have a lot of very long talks about things like How Many Roads Men Can Walk Down and what a hunk that Elvis was, and I hope she never finds this page, because I don't like hurting people. I just like laughing at them.
Also, if I've still offended you, to cover my bases, um, toddlers are cretins, pre-teens are wastes of perfectly good hormones, teenagers are retards, and I hate everyone my own age.
Good idea: Making mosaics as Christmas gifts after watching them do it on "Crafters Coast to Coast."
Bad idea: Shoving your hand into a big old bag of glass.
Ow. It hurts to press "Shift."
December 11, 2004
Ugh.
I'm an idiot.
I know, I know, I suck, but listen. I've had a guest from out of town for about a week, and I've been keeping busy trying to entertain all while going to work and being funny.
I actually did write an update a few days ago about the state of children's television shows, but as I read over it, it's too unnecissarily bitter, even for me.
So, now it's left to die in cyberspace. Trust me -- it's for the best.
I believe it had something to do with fucking Elmo.
Sometimes, I almost wish that my Comment Spam Bots would update for me.
Moving along.
I've been having the most incredible Christmas season.
I don't know what it is, but I've been getting awesome shows at work and I've been feeling really creative (clearly not in the internet-updating sense, but still) and in an un-Lauren-ly good mood.
Which brings me to what I'd like to talk about.
I've met a few of you crazy online stalkers in real life, and most of the reactions I get are the same, namely that I'm not as big of a bitch as I seem like, and I'm a lot quieter than it would seem.
People that knew me first and visited my website second even have told me that I lead a double life of two different personas.
I'm never really sure how to take this for a couple reasons.
First, I'd hate to think that I'm really misleading. Like some kind of Lewis Black who stomps around on television shaking his fists, but when you meet him in real life, he chases a ball of string before curling up into a ball and falling asleep.
Second, I'd hate to think that I'm NOT misleading, and my online persona IS my true feelings, and I spend my real life being a bitch in disguise.
Third, it sort of skews my view of reading every website that I do.
When I was 9, I was in a made-for-TV movie starring Christopher Reeve.
It was so weird to be at the catering cart, then walk four feet over to the shooting area, and see all the crew standing around, the director orchestrating everything. For years after that, I couldn't suspend my disbelief when watching movies. I saw Bill Murray as Bill Murray, not Peter Venkman. It was very sad. Eventually, though, I got over it, and allowed the whimsy of Hollywood to sweep back over me.
But now I wonder if Maddox really is an asshole in real life.
Or maybe dooce is soft-spoken.
Perhaps everyone on livejournal *isn't* a vapid, shallow waste of life.
It's something to think about.
Anyway, I'm always eager to hear how I come off, and how I'm different.
If I'm taller, if my cam pics are so ridiculously photoshopped that I don't even look like me, if I have some crazy northern accent you never thought of. Very interesting.
Okay, back to work.
My guest will be leaving in a few days, so hopefully, back to a normal update schedule. If you're a super-inter-sleuth, you could probably figure out who it is.
Comic next week? Perhaps. If you've all been good little boys and girls.