Is Robert Smith from the Cure satisfied or unsatisfied with his love life?
I've been listening to the Cure a lot lately, and he seems to have the same wailing whether he's singing about dancing on clouds or stabbing his wrists.
Don't get me wrong, I like him, but show a little range, man.
Happy? No wailey.

Today, I'm going to complain about pimps.
No, not the lovable backhanding, low-ridin' ho peddlers, I'm talking about people who peddle themselves all over town. This happens most obviously on the internet, but it also spills over into real life only slightly less shamefully.

You know the type.
They leave you a comment on your myspace or your blog or your forum, but they don't let you rely on old-fashioned name recognition to remember them.
No, with them it's always...

Yeah, I totally agree with you!
--Joey Joe Joe
www.joeyjoejoe.com
"It's like 3 'Joe's with a Y in there!
Y? Because I offer 3 times the laughs!"

OR

HAVE A GREAT DAY!!
FROM LOUIS THE MUSICIAN
Visit my new site -- louisthemusician.livejournal.com
Now with shitty samples!
"I like music a lot."

You people make me sick. Comedians, musicians, actors, any people who have to sell themselves do this all the time, and I can understand having to make a living and Get Your Name Out There, but you know what? I've seen your shtick 1,000 times. Maybe write a new joke or learn to play more than 4 chords, and I'll drive an hour to see your 2-minute act in your grandmother's basement because you sent an email to all 400 people on your yahoo group.

Friends are a slight exception.
If you're in a play or you need a friend to buy your new CD, sure, I'll be there for you, but even I had to stop some of my Eat N Park friends to stop coming to my open mics because I had a sense of decency.

"Stay at home with your children," I would plead. "It's the same douchebags, me included, and none of us have written any new jokes, AND you'll probably get sexually harassed while you're there." God bless them for being so supportive, but no one should be forced into this stuff.

A story. There was a really cool guy that I had a ridiculous crush on freshman year in college. For our purposes, I'll call him "Steve," because that was his name.
He was in the theater and intimidated me unintentionally with his brilliance at acting and just about everything else.
Sometime around fall, he leapt in front of me while I was walking through the student dining area and invited me to see the play currently being performed at the theater.
Now, I'm not a moron. I knew he wasn't inviting me. I realized that it was his duty as a member of the theater to hawk tickets, but I was flattered that he recognized me from hanging around the theater and doing theatery things.
Plus, he hadn't bounced out in front of the other plebeians. He playfully -- okay, you get the picture. It was cute.

I got there, and, okay, he was busy with theatery stuff and maybe didn't see my wave, but he was a junior! I hardly expected a hug.
Only I didn't really see him for a while after that.
Happily, I saw him again in the spring, when he gave me another playful punch and...invited me to the spring show! Another chance to -- you see where this is going.
He relied on our loose friendship only as a warm body to sit in a seat.

I see this all the time.
MySpace breeds it.
Some friend you didn't even want to talk to in high school friends you and signs each of their daily comments (with giant sparkling animated gifs) with their address and a request to watch their band play or download their movie or give them your kidney.
I have ex-boyfriends I haven't talked to in over 10 years add me and want to send messages back and forth, and I wonder: Didn't we break up 10 years ago because you didn't feel like keeping in touch?

And faux friends aren't even the worst.
How about good old Napoleon Dynamite's myspace?! I haven't looked it up, but I'll bet it has the words "GOSH" or "LUCKY!" somewhere on it! Or Ben Folds and his 20 billion friends? I don't think Ben got your message that you "<3" him, SEXXY TINA69, but keep on trying. You'll probably be best friends forever someday soon.

And if on the off chance he or any of the other celebrities comment back, it's just to tell you the new thing they want from you.
That's just lazy marketing, people!
I don't know how many garage bands from Milwaukee I've declined being friends with, but I know I've saved my comments from endless invitations to their gigs.

I only have the guts to say this because I have a pretty good feeling about who reads this site, and I know none of the people I care about do it.
My comedian friends have their dignity, but when I read my comedian friends' comedian friends' comments, it's like staring at a dirty, dirty whore -- if instead of sex, whores had awful people telling awful jokes.
Every jokester out there has comment diharea, and I can't watch a day pass without:

Hey, pal, 1st comment of your Tuesday!
Speaking of Tuesdays, what's the deal with airline food?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Also, Monica Lewinsky!

And why do I keep reading every day if it makes me so mad?
Because then what would I have to complain about? Nothing.

No, it's not that.
I just want to see some geniune friendship once in a while.
Steve, I knew you were out of my league. Even when you dated the hot British girl a year younger than me, I didn't blame you. But a comment my way about something that didn't depend on me doing a favor for you, no matter how small, was all I wanted.

Stand up for your right to real friendship, blog readers! And please leave my blog a comment to wish me a happy Tuesday and buy my new CD. When I make one.