HoneyBeeManor: Harry Potter and the Half Bloody Face of the Assholes Who Are Assholes

Harry Potter and the Half Bloody Face of the Assholes Who Are Assholes
August 05, 2005

Well, the 6th Harry Potter book has been given away to me for the third time today.
By a friend in an IM.
With a warning.

Yeah, I guess it IS my fault, after all, I didn't start reading it the second I got it and hired a page turner to turn pages while I ate and bought a tiny Harry Potter Piss Goblet so I wouldn't have to take a bathroom break and Harry Potter Brand Crack to keep up all night so NOTHING STANDS IN MY WAY OF FINISHING THIS BOOK MERE HOURS AFTER JK ROWLING PUT HER DAMN PEN DOWN!!

I'm sorry. That was uncalled for.

The first time it was given away, I was in Iron Forge (sort of like the Grand Central Station of World of Warcraft), and someone thought it would be hilarious to advertise their guild as "The best guild since < HUGE SECRET! >" Oh, you kids are so quirky.

The 1 1/2 time it was given away was when I was reading USA Today, who had apparently gotten my angry letter about giving away the last book, and made a snide comment in the article to the effect of "We're not giving anything away, since we know how angry everyone gets, but < HINT OF HUGE SECRET THAT COULD YIELD 3 POSSIBLE RESULTS, SO BY MERELY THINKING OF THEM, THE SECRET IS GIVEN AWAY >."

The second half of that was given away by a co-worker who loves to say things like, "Oh, man, weren't you < EMOTION CAUSED BY A SECRET > that...Oh, RIGHT, you haven't finished yet. Well, when you do, you are going to be sooooo < EMOTION AGAIN! >"

So I've been avoiding everything that could lead to it like the plague.
Even though I'm pretty sure I know that there is a secret and what that secret is, I feel like perhaps I will catch amnesia very soon, or hit myself over the head with a blunt object until I do (downside: might also forget how to read).

I was aware that there was an mpeg floating around the internet where someone drives past a line of Harry Potter fans waiting to get the book and shouts out The Big Secret, and have successfully avoided that even though it's supposed to be funny.
I was aware that there's a TShirtHell shirt with the secret on it.

Apparently, so was a friend of mine.
Who decided to send me the link.
Oh, don't worry, he was kind enough to write "Don't click here unless you've finished the book!"
Oh, but were those words the hyperlink text?
No!
The link was right there, in all it's glory.
And what do you think was right before the .html, hmmm??

THE FUCKING SECRET.

THANK YOU!!
Assholes.

That's akin to saying, "Hey, mom, I have a big secret, but I don't want to tell you until you've met my new roommate. So click this link as soon as we come visit you next week. This link here -- http://secrets.com/iamalesbian.html"

I would write more, but there are so many things I have to go do before other secrets are given away. I need to watch Citizen Kane, I should check out Soylent Green, and I have to hurry and read every book ever written ever ever.

PS -- If I finish the book and it turns out that, even though the 3 "given away" secrets were identical, they were not actually true, and actually just happenstance that each person made up the same "wrong path" to lead me down so as not to give away the "real" secret, I will retract my statements with an apology.

Posted by Kitsune at August 5, 2005 01:29 AM | digg this

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So, mommy dosn't know your are a (japanese anime collecting) closet lesbian?

Oh, and Citizen Cane is the WORST movie EVER!

Posted by: KingHade
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It's these kinds of people that give the secret away that give the rest of us obsessed quick readers a bad name even though we use all the willpower we have just to hold the darn secret in and protect other who haven't finished the damn book yet! I am going to go eat a carrot cake!

Posted by: K80K
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Secret? Ha! Your mom clicked on THAT link years ago...

Posted by: Tom
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I am pretty sure I know what happens thanks to a popular internet forum I visit (cough Something Awful cough), in which some assholes from an asshole subforum put the secret up so anyone could read it who happened to look at the forums.

I was almost saved from the secret, because I thought they were dicking around like they usually do, but then many people confirmed that it was in fact true, I got very pissed off. The excuse? "OH IT'S JUST A STUPID LITTLE KIDS BOOK YOU GUYS TAKE BOOKS TOO SERIOUSLY HUR HUR!"

I'd "seriously" like to kill those people, kthnx. I keep trying to forget it, but it keeps popping up in my mind. The only saving grace is that I'm interested in why or how it happens.

Posted by: M
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Five dollars says someone posts it in the comments.

Posted by: Jason
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As you know, my disdain for and utter indifference toward the Harry Potter series is well-documented.

So I find it somewhat amusing that, although I surf the web extensively, I have had absolutely no exposure to even the slightest hint of the book's secret, while you can't walk from your room to the bathroom without someone telling it to you.

Posted by: Zhubin
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I was actually going to threaten that in my post, Jason, but I didn't want to give any ideas.

And Zhubin, imagine me as some boss in some '50s television show shaking my fist and saying "ZHUBIIIIIIN!"

Posted by: Kitsune
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I frequent DJ Coffman's Yirmumah.net comments/forum (the maker of the T-Shirt) and DJ can be a jerk; however, in his defense, people already KNOW he's a jerk, and it's easy to suspect he'd do what he did with the spoiler. If I were one to read HP, I would've avoided those things and read the book when I received my copy. But - that's just me. Nobody complains about spoiling Larry Niven or Robert Heinlein, though... so...

In light of all the spoiler people (especially that video), I agree that they're assholes of the first order. My hope is that, poor dear Kitsune, your ability to immerse yourself in the story will lead to the properly relevant revelation in the reading.

Posted by: zanbowser
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About half of my friends got the book on the day it was released and most finished it within about 3 days.

Every one of them wants to talk to me about the secret. What the hell is that?

The other night I went out to dinner with some of them. This chic decided to tell me how hard it's been keeping 'the secret' and these were (approximately) her words:

"As soon as I finished it, I just HAD to find someone to tell [THE FRIKKIN SECRET!!!] to."

No warning, no nothing. I was sitting there, eating delicious gourmet pizza, and all of a sudden I was stabbing her with a fork and throwing my napkin at her head, just like that. Jesus H.

Posted by: 6-Foot Hobbit
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You know I can remember when she used to be a comedian instead of an 11 year old girl.

Posted by: Brett
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All I can say is, I'm sorry I'm a douche bag...oh and Soylent Green is people

Posted by: Andrew
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Haha, Oh man I read that teachers blog about a year ago, I will never forget. "A THOUSAND YEARS OF PAIN!!!"

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