Vanity UNFair -- OOH, BURN!
May 28, 2005

I hate computers that aren't mine.
Especially computers that erase the entire entry I was writing.
I have been in about seven states in the past two weeks, and I'm currently in Chicago for Jordan's high school, and I want nothing more than to get back home to MY computer with MY resolution and MY favorites list and MY bed and I want to eat when and where I want and I'm very tired of being a guest and pretending I'm happy all the time and I like talking to people. So very tired.

But this entry isn't about me. Directly.
You see, I am here to forward along a story I was told via mass email from comedian Mike Birbiglia, regarding an article in the May issue of Vanity Fair.
Now, I'm sure you all read Vanity Fair just as much as I do -- not at all.

But he stumbled upon an article written by a Mr. James Wolcott about how comedy is no good anymore since Johnny left the scene. This article can be found here, but I couldn't force myself to get past the first page. I'm not even offended as a comedian (if I can even venture to call myself one) or even as a comedy connoisseur, but as a layman audience member.
This article reads like some kid's sixth-grade book report, where he not only didn't bother to read the book, but he didn't even watch the movie or finish reading the blurb on the back of the box.
It would be like me writing an article in a doctor's journal about how much I hate doctors who prescribe Goldfish brand crackers instead of medicine. Not only is it wrong and unfounded in doctors' circles, but any street idiot would be able to tell that I'm full of shit and just complaining to hear myself complain.

But, enough of my rants, Mike Birbiglia wrote a letter to the editor that he's so sure won't be published, he passed it along to his mailing list, and I pass it along to all of you because it needs to be read by the masses.
Plus, if it's read by all of you, the average I.Q. of the readers of the unpublished Letter to the Editor will be so far above that of Vanity Fair's readership, all those housewives would nearly choke on their bonbons and make them late for Mackenzie's soccer practice if they even tried to think about it.

Speaking of housewives that I hate, you should know that this particular issue of Vanity Fair had the Desparate Housewives scantily clad by a pool.

So here's Birbigs' story.
===============

Dear Vanity Fair,
So the other night I’m in Boise, Idaho. I’m backstage at the Morrison Center for the “Friends of The Bob and Tom” Comedy Tour, about to perform onstage for 2100 audience members and someone hands me a copy of your article “Wits end” by James Wolcott. Well, it was not a minute too soon. I soon learned that standup comedy is in fact over and I rushed to the stage manager to tell him to send everyone home. On the way to the stage wings, I paused.

I thought, ”maybe with the surge in sales with Maxim and FHM, Vanity Fair is trying to play catch up by printing more sweeping generalizations and having more sexy cover photos.” As I mulled this over, I stopped into the restroom and masturbated to the cover photo of “The Desperate Housewives” trying to fuck the camera. After that pit stop I continued on to the stage manager to call off the show. And I quickly got in touch with my other comic friends to make sure they had gotten the news.

So I called Dave Attell, who was headlining the Byham Theater in Pittsburgh. I said “Dave- did you hear the news? Comedy is over.” And he said “Mike- there are a lot of people here.” And I said “Vanity Fair just did the report. Nobody has followings anymore.”
Dave paused. He said, “What…should I tell my following?”
I said “I hate to break it to you, Dave. They may all be actors.”
Dave said “Mike, isn’t it more likely that James Wolcott is making generalizations about standup comedy to sell more magazines.”
At this I was offended. I even cried a little and through sighs I weeped, “Not my Jay. (James Wolcott) Not my Jay.”
Then I picked up the magazine again to see if it could provide more information. It said “the average working stiffs of standup have become the migrant grape pickers of entertainment in the new millennium.”

Right then I picked up my Blackberry and text-messaged that quote to 40 of my average comic friends. Moments later, I received 40 simultaneous messages back that said “no actually we’re doing fine.” So I pulled out my laptop and went on AOL Instant Messenger to contact my friends Bill Burr, Patrice O’Neal, and Jim Norton, all of whom were preparing for their HBO specials that week.

These are guys who really break the mold of stale standup and have audiences laughing at topics you’d think were to risky to make funny which seemed to run in the face of Wolcott’s described “drop-off of daredevil individuality and originality.” Maybe they had stopped doing those jokes? I needed to find out. Unfortunately, none of them were online. Bill Burr’s status bar said “idle.” Patrice’s said “At the supermarket” and Jim Norton’s said “masturbating to the cover of Vanity Fair.”

And then I stopped. I sat down and I thought, “Maybe the article’s wrong.
Maybe James Wolcott doesn’t realize that just because there isn’t one single forum for comedy like “The Tonight Show” it doesn’t mean that comedy is actually dead. That it’s just taking place less on network T.V. and more in live shows across America and that James Wolcott should pick up a copy of “Who Moved the Cheese?” because yes, comedy was and still is great, but sometimes it’s found in different places.” I didn’t go to the stage manager after all. I went back to my dressing room, masturbated one more time to the cover of Vanity Fair, and then did the show. And I’ll do the same thing tomorrow.

With love,
Mike Birbiglia
Comedian


(Edited by me for paragraph breaks only) Ah, well. I'd better get off of here before I accidentally turn off the surge protector with my foot or see the kitty close this window by hitting the mouse with his paw (ha! silly kitty is such a literalist) or I sneeze and the computer explodes all over me.
I miss you guys.
I'll be home soon.

Posted by Kitsune at May 28, 2005 04:48 PM | digg this



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The more and more I hear of Mike Birbiglia, the more I enjoy his comedy. This peice was just stunning, and brings light to how atrociously stupid mainstream writers can be.
I speak on behalf of all the peoples here and say "We miss you too"

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Wow. Uhm, can you say 'boo-yah'?

..Comedy...dead? What complete and utter bullshit. People have been laughing since before they could talk and will continue to laugh long after.

Vanity Fair should just come out of the closet and admit that the articles are just cover-ups so that they can claim they have a basis in literature, and they're not just porn.

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