Lauren: Welcome to the shareholder's meeting, everyone.
I trust we'll be able to sweep away some old business, and keep on top of new business with all parties sufficiently satisfied.

Marshall, would you do the honor of reading the minutes from last week's meeting?

Marshall: Fuck you.

Lauren: Very well then.
Joe, will YOU read the minutes of last week's meeting.

Joe: Shh...studying.

Lauren: Ah, a joke that only people who go to precicely the same websites as me will get. Delightful.

Bill Scott: Objection, your honor. I would like to plug my website.

Lauren: Um...sustained? Ladies and gentleman, I present to you, the website of my Pittsburgh comedy mentor, Mister Bill Scott. He's white.

Okay, now that we've got that out of the way --

Baron von Bunnowitz: By jove, I've got something to say!

Lauren: It's not the minutes of last week's meeting, is it?
Was anyone AT last week's meeting?

Baron von Bunnowitz: I object to the fact that you haven't updated your comic since last February.

Annoying HBM fans: [ In annoying unison ] YEAH! You've told us a hundred times why you haven't! I will continue to complain until you give us an answer, then we will forget Memento-style and continue to plague you until you shoot us point-blank in the skull.

Lauren: *sigh* I promised myself I wouldn't type this in all caps, but believe me, in my heart, every word here is.
My scanner is broken. Not only that, but since I reformatted, it does not work with my current operating system.
Considering I have the artistic ability of a dead monkey without a brain, it does not seem worth it to make a purchase at the whim of 4 rabid fans. I thank you for your support, and if you would like, I can add a scanner to my Amazon wishlist, and we'll see just how badly you really want me to update that section.

Sean: Didn't I give you a computer drawing tablet on your birthday in July two years ago? You remember, it was right before I dumped you in August.

Lauren: Yes. It was misplaced. Then set on fire.

Ryan: Did you tell them about how you beat KOTOR, and are thus the best video gamer player in all the land?

Lauren: Not yet, but you're correct.

Ryan: And how I couldn't finish it, myself, because my character was too weak, and also because I'm a pussy.

Lauren: Duly noted.

Felicia: Did you tell them about the lightsaber you saw in Borders today, and how you almost danced around the store, shadow fighting and making lightsaber noises, until you remembered I was applying for a job there?

Lauren: No, but maybe at NEXT week's meeting, something like that could end up in the MINUTES of this meeting --

Felicia: Or about how a couple months a go, you bought KOTOR and your computer was too slow, but because you're so smooth and slick...

Lauren: Not to mention dashing, attractive, witty --

Felicia: ...you convinced Best Buy to let you return it for store credit, a feat unparalleled by lawyers the world 'round.

Lauren: And how, when buying the Star Wars boxed set at Best Buy today, you yanked on my shirt like a four-year-old until I squandered the rest of my Best Buy credit purchased the Mr. Show third season for you, even though I haven't even finished the first season myself?

Felicia: ...yeah, did you tell them that?

Lauren: No. All right. Since no one has the minutes, let's open up the floor to this week's discussion.

Emo: I'm really annoying, and I don't know why everyone likes me so much.

Lauren: Right. Now, does anyone have any questions or comments *pertaining* to website maintenance?

Jed: Yes. My site sucks. Everyone should come to it. Wait, no, I stopped updating. Wait, no, I have a new site. Wait, no, I suck. I am going to design a tattoo that illustrates human misery and the pain of the internet.

HBM Fanboys: wE HaTe You! LOLZ!

Lauren: MY website. Comments on MY website.

Internet User #54647: Why can't I ever find your email?

Lauren: Did you click the link right below every single post that says "email" on it?

Everyone Who Comments Lately On Topics That Have Either Absolutely Nothing To Do With The Conversation Or Is Just Some Random Unfounded Sycophancy: I really need a blog of my own.

Lauren: Clearly.

Internet User #7658: Why don't you ever update regularly? Like the last week?

Lauren: I got misplaced. Then set on fire.

Internet User #65478 (the black guy): Nah, for realzies? Fool, what you playin' us fo'?

Lauren: Actually, I bought a skateboard.
Uh, yes, the guy in the back.

Brett: Isn't that just desperate plea for your lost youth? A symbol of a quarter-life crisis? Do you actually think you'll look cool? Maybe your mom should join a band. Will that make her cool, too, Lauren? Will it?

Lauren: You make good points, there, Brett, but the fact of the matter is, I've always wanted to skateboard, and this winter, I plan on learning to snowboard as well, instead of the usual yuppie skiing I've such a fondness for.

Hsiu: Ah, so your ankle is healed, I see.

Lauren: Actually, I think I resprained it today trying to do an Ollie.
Did Tony Hawk fall over like a retard a whole lot? Also, did he scream like a pretty, pretty girl?

Well, that's about it for today's meeting.
I'd like to thank you all for coming here.

I'd also like to give a shout-out to all my peeps on the Night Shift at work.
I'll miss you guys a lot.

Night Shift: (in unison) Who are you again?