Soylent Green is made of ???
September 05, 2004
I have had really bad luck in my life with regards to finding out ends of movies/video games/books before I actually GET to the end of said mediums.
I am the type of person who, if you turn to me in a movie and say "This part is funny right here," I straight up will punch you in the throat. If, while you are choking and grasping your neck, you gasp out, "No, I mean when he falls, it's really funny," without a second of remorse, I will kick you right in the nuts/uterus.
You just gave away the joke, you ASS.
Don't you KNOW THE RULES OF COMEDY?
HUMOR ARISES IN THE VIOLATION OF EXPECTATION.
When Felicia told me that I should see Anchorman because of "two words: cat fashion show," I almost started to cry. And not because "cat fashion show" is three words, because I knew it would be the only part of the movie I liked.
(PS -- It was.)
(PPS -- If you haven't seen the movie, I just saved you two hours of your life.)
This is not to be confused with someone who quotes movies and books and tv shows.
Now, I DO know some people who think that the Matrix will be better if they utter each line AS we watch it (Jonathan Kross). These people also belong in the Asshole Movie-Ruining Category.
But people who quote movies and shows at appropriate times not only don't give anything away, but they are sending out a kind of homing beacon for anyone to "get" it and return an approving smirk.
Why, I've made entire CIRCLES of friends simply by slipping in a "They're not booing you, they're saying 'boo-urns'!" at an appropriate time.
But I am not one of those who "just HAS to tell somebody" the plot twist in a movie, because let me tell you a little bit about those people.
This particular person, the "OOH, WATCH THIS PART" person, thinks that they will somehow, through some sort of time-travel air-borne theatrical reverse osmosis will get all the credit from your liking of that particular part.
The vapid cum receptacle sitting behind me leans over to her boyfriend to inform him "Watch this next part, it's SO funny" because she knows he will like it, and as a result of liking it, instead of thinking to himself "Wow, that filmmaker/actor/director really knows what he's doing!" he will think to himself "Wow, my girlfriend is SOOO cool and smart for knowing what is funny and good, and I can barely contain my manhood in my pants." While I am thinking "And the CRAZY thing is, if *I* killed them both, *I* would go to jail!"
Even the sentence "OOh, this is a good movie. There's a twist in the end" is so idiotic and asinine, I don't understand how often it's spoken.
Why would you even SAY something like that?
That makes me think the entire time "What is going to twist? What paths am I being led down, and how could they be warped?" and since I'm not a complete idiot, I can usually figure it out.
Can anyone REALLY watch an M. Night Shyamalan movie anymore without wondering that? I can't.
I did give one movie away. It was about six months ago at a Denny's with my dear friend Matt Bower, and I happened to utter a line from the movie Soylent Green, which, okay, in my hypocritical defense, was sort of the line that gives the entire movie away, but I swear to God, if you haven't ever heard of Soylent Green and what it's made of in the year 2000-fucking-4, you deserve not only to hear the entire play-by-play second-hand, but listen to me also recount the hilarious Phil Hartman SNL sketch done in the mid-'90s about what Soylent Red, Soylent Blue, and Soylent Cow Pies are also made of.
I say this because I am playing a certain video game in which not one, not two, not three, but FOUR MAJOR PLOT POINTS were given away to me by you online douchebags.
I'm not here to name names, but 6-foot Hobbit gave away a certain plot point a few posts ago, and when I came upon what he was talking about, I threw down my controller and rage and stomped over to my computer, and let's just say I didn't type up the post that was running aflame through my head at that time.
It was in a made-up language comprised mostly of the word "fuck."
So I am here to stop this from happening across the globe.
Please, everyone, stop being fucking idiots.
Do not do this anymore.
You're ruining the movie. You're ruining the game. I don't give you extra friend points when you give away something I would otherwise have enjoyed until you fucked it up with your fucking attention whoring diarrhea of the mouth.
Don't say "This is cool" or "Who saw THAT coming" or "I'm not giving anything away, but Darth Vader is Luke's father."
Yeah. I quoted Simpson's again. Everyone remember that Simpson's scene? And how Homer was a gigantic yellow ass for doing that?
Well, if Matt Groening had drawn ME in that line, Homer would have had a gigantic yellow punch-mark in his throat.
Posted by Kitsune at September 5, 2004 06:44 AM | digg this
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yanno, in a drama class I took, the professor was trying to make a point about humor. He brought in a tape of some British performer on a late night show in Britain.
The guy was talking about comedy, and he said something to the effect that, no matter if you knew what was going to happen, if something was funny enough, you would still laugh. To prove this point he told the audience that in a few minutes, an elderly gentleman in a suit would come on stage, and then his pants would fall down exposing his underwear.
Sure enough, two minutes later said old man wanders onto the stage, and he is dresed in a very nice suit, and he stands still for a few seconds, and then his pants drop, and he look around the audience... and all he got was pity laughs.
The joy of watching an old man's pants fall down was destroyed, because we all knew it was going to happen.
I guess this means God finds very little humor in the Universe, since he already knows what's happening.
I also agree with you about the Soylent green thing, Futurama references it multiple times. Your friend should thank you for not having to watch Charlton Heston stumble through another role.
Posted by:
Joe Cool
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so... how did things go on Korriban?
Posted by:
Tu
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I 100% agree and am would like to subscribe to your magazine. When I was still in school, and there was a "popular movie" out, EVERY fucktard had to quote lines from the movie and keep talking about it, disregarding the fact that not everyone goes to see a movie right when it opens, and not everyone around you is oblivous to what you are saying. I remember when Kill Bill 1 came out, and some idiot kept telling things in the movie, but luckily I saw the movie later enough that I forgot about it. I made DAMN sure that I saw Kill Bill 2 very soon so this same fucktard wouldn't ruin it.
Posted by:
M
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I have been credited with 2 of those major plot points, both in the same conversation. One I dont remember saying, but the other (Carth) was, for the guy version, only a really really small plot point. The problem people tend to have, is that once you start talking about something you enjoyed, you will often start to "throw out" parts you liked the most in order to get the other person's reaction to them. Only problem is, if the other person isn't that far into the game they 1)may not have any idea of what you are talking about and/or 2) will become very annoyed with someone attempting to ruin the game. Made it a point to only say things that are now only either vague references to parts already finished, broad non-specific suggestions (i.e. take every npc thru each planet), or for things which have no bearing on the overall game and can even be skipped entirely if wished. Just to give you a heads-up, the makers of KoTOR are making a sequal to it, probably not the same characters in the starring roles, but the same style/writing/pace etc..
Posted by:
Shawn
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You're going to die when your body stops pumping precious lifeblood into your veins and your heart stops working.
Shit, did I just give away the end of your life?
Posted by:
Matt
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That's one of my favorite SNL sketches, and also the only reason I know what Soylent Green is.
Posted by:
sexy beast
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What the hell is wrong with you, Cox? You didn't like anything else about Anchorman besides the cat thing? Not the huge West Side Story fight? The rainbow dream? The a cappella rendition of Afternoon Delight? The hilarious conversation between Baxter and the bear?
For God's sake, surely someone as boob-focused as you would have thought the "You're going to deny me this chance just because I have breasts? *Exquisite* breasts?" line funny.
And man, was that Phil Hartman sketch funny. God, I miss that guy.
Posted by:
Zhubin
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i've done that "here's a funny part" thing plenty of times, but usually because i associate with people who seem to not take much interest in the movies i recommend, either out of spite or because i'm generally an uninteresting person. so i say "here look" because they're too busy looking at their email or some shit... selfish fucks.
Posted by:
jed
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KOTOR is a great game.....I just finished it, and reccomend it to all. Mostly because it has dropped to 20 bucks.
Posted by:
Tim
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Now, do we take what Zhubin said as humourous or do we stone him to death? I'm confused now 'cause personally I'm with Lauren and her stern swift retributive strike to the larynx method.
But - since it's that asshat from SNL (the L is for Lame), I'm not too worried either way.
Are you still doing your show on the 15th, Kit? I'd like to come see, since I'm only just south in Baltimore. Wanted to ask permission first, since I know how you use your movie solution for stalkers too (note to self: remember to bring steel gorget).
- Z
Posted by:
zanbowser
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heh, sorry kit, but the thing is, the post I made had these brackets in it. html tag brackets, cuz I'm stupid. The bracketed sentences were then removed, and by some twist of fate the resulting post actually gave more away then the original one. Truly sorry, I also hate the "hey, watch this part" people. I have this friend who seems to think it hilarious to just walk up to you and say, "Have you seen [movie X] yet? No? Ok, then just let me say, "[quote that basically gives the whole plot twist away]".
But I got mentioned in your post! Yay! For being a fuckass. Awww. Sorry, once again.
Posted by:
6-foot Hobbit
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By the way, WTF m8 is soylent green?
Posted by:
6-foot Hobbit
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Boo Lois, yay beer!
Posted by:
Kroy
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yayyy fanbase elitism!
Posted by:
jed
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Didn't you just give away the best parts to, like, six different movies?
Posted by:
Mo
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And which, dear Partick?
Posted by:
Kitsune
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yanno, in a drama class I took, the professor was trying to make a point about humor. He brought in a tape of some British performer on a late night show in Britain.
The guy was talking about comedy, and he said something to the effect that, no matter if you knew what was going to happen, if something was funny enough, you would still laugh. To prove this point he told the audience that in a few minutes, an elderly gentleman in a suit would come on stage, and then his pants would fall down exposing his underwear.
Sure enough, two minutes later said old man wanders onto the stage, and he is dresed in a very nice suit, and he stands still for a few seconds, and then his pants drop, and he look around the audience... and all he got was pity laughs.
The joy of watching an old man's pants fall down was destroyed, because we all knew it was going to happen.
I guess this means God finds very little humor in the Universe, since he already knows what's happening.
I also agree with you about the Soylent green thing, Futurama references it multiple times. Your friend should thank you for not having to watch Charlton Heston stumble through another role.
Posted by: Joe Cool- - - - - - - - - - - - -
so... how did things go on Korriban?
Posted by: Tu- - - - - - - - - - - - -
I 100% agree and am would like to subscribe to your magazine. When I was still in school, and there was a "popular movie" out, EVERY fucktard had to quote lines from the movie and keep talking about it, disregarding the fact that not everyone goes to see a movie right when it opens, and not everyone around you is oblivous to what you are saying. I remember when Kill Bill 1 came out, and some idiot kept telling things in the movie, but luckily I saw the movie later enough that I forgot about it. I made DAMN sure that I saw Kill Bill 2 very soon so this same fucktard wouldn't ruin it.
Posted by: M- - - - - - - - - - - - -
I have been credited with 2 of those major plot points, both in the same conversation. One I dont remember saying, but the other (Carth) was, for the guy version, only a really really small plot point. The problem people tend to have, is that once you start talking about something you enjoyed, you will often start to "throw out" parts you liked the most in order to get the other person's reaction to them. Only problem is, if the other person isn't that far into the game they 1)may not have any idea of what you are talking about and/or 2) will become very annoyed with someone attempting to ruin the game. Made it a point to only say things that are now only either vague references to parts already finished, broad non-specific suggestions (i.e. take every npc thru each planet), or for things which have no bearing on the overall game and can even be skipped entirely if wished. Just to give you a heads-up, the makers of KoTOR are making a sequal to it, probably not the same characters in the starring roles, but the same style/writing/pace etc..
Posted by: Shawn- - - - - - - - - - - - -
You're going to die when your body stops pumping precious lifeblood into your veins and your heart stops working.
Shit, did I just give away the end of your life?
Posted by: Matt- - - - - - - - - - - - -
That's one of my favorite SNL sketches, and also the only reason I know what Soylent Green is.
Posted by: sexy beast- - - - - - - - - - - - -
What the hell is wrong with you, Cox? You didn't like anything else about Anchorman besides the cat thing? Not the huge West Side Story fight? The rainbow dream? The a cappella rendition of Afternoon Delight? The hilarious conversation between Baxter and the bear?
For God's sake, surely someone as boob-focused as you would have thought the "You're going to deny me this chance just because I have breasts? *Exquisite* breasts?" line funny.
And man, was that Phil Hartman sketch funny. God, I miss that guy.
Posted by: Zhubin- - - - - - - - - - - - -
i've done that "here's a funny part" thing plenty of times, but usually because i associate with people who seem to not take much interest in the movies i recommend, either out of spite or because i'm generally an uninteresting person. so i say "here look" because they're too busy looking at their email or some shit... selfish fucks.
Posted by: jed- - - - - - - - - - - - -
KOTOR is a great game.....I just finished it, and reccomend it to all. Mostly because it has dropped to 20 bucks.
Posted by: Tim- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Now, do we take what Zhubin said as humourous or do we stone him to death? I'm confused now 'cause personally I'm with Lauren and her stern swift retributive strike to the larynx method.
But - since it's that asshat from SNL (the L is for Lame), I'm not too worried either way.
Are you still doing your show on the 15th, Kit? I'd like to come see, since I'm only just south in Baltimore. Wanted to ask permission first, since I know how you use your movie solution for stalkers too (note to self: remember to bring steel gorget).
- Z
Posted by: zanbowser- - - - - - - - - - - - -
heh, sorry kit, but the thing is, the post I made had these brackets in it. html tag brackets, cuz I'm stupid. The bracketed sentences were then removed, and by some twist of fate the resulting post actually gave more away then the original one. Truly sorry, I also hate the "hey, watch this part" people. I have this friend who seems to think it hilarious to just walk up to you and say, "Have you seen [movie X] yet? No? Ok, then just let me say, "[quote that basically gives the whole plot twist away]".
But I got mentioned in your post! Yay! For being a fuckass. Awww. Sorry, once again.
Posted by: 6-foot Hobbit- - - - - - - - - - - - -
By the way, WTF m8 is soylent green?
Posted by: 6-foot Hobbit- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Boo Lois, yay beer!
Posted by: Kroy- - - - - - - - - - - - -
yayyy fanbase elitism!
Posted by: jed- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Didn't you just give away the best parts to, like, six different movies?
Posted by: Mo- - - - - - - - - - - - -
And which, dear Partick?
Posted by: Kitsune- - - - - - - - - - - - -