So you want to hear more about how right you were that night shift sucks?
Well, you're in for a treat.
Because I'm going to give you a day in the life of your illustrious webmaster.
Where do the days begin?
I'll begin when I wake up.
10:00 PM -- Crawl out of bed. Try to catch a bit of South Park while I'm getting dressed. Ask God why 8 hours isn't enough sleep. He doesn't answer, but I have a feeling it's redemption for how much I hate some people.
She deserves it, God. She's a cunty bitch, and someday everyone will realize it, too. Too bad you'll never get to meet her, because when my wish comes true, and she falls out of a building window and gets hit by a bus with spikes on the grill before she hits the ground, she's going straight to hell.
10:30 PM-- Shower time. Shit, I'm late.
11:00 PM -- Sob as I pass by a delicious Wendy's that I can't get my breakfast at, because I'm late for work.
11:05 PM -- Arrive at work.
12:00 AM -- Stomach begins the odd cramping that makes me with I would either pass out or vomit or something, and I try to whimper as quietly as I can. This has been going on for weeks, for no known reason, and it lasts for about 4 hours. As soon as I get out of work, it is gone, which makes it ridiculous for me to go to the doctor. Last night, I was about 10 minutes from going to the Emergency Room. Now, I'm cured. Go figure.
3:00 AM -- Develop unhealthy crush on the star of the show I'm watching. Whether it be Zach Fehst from Discovery's "Ultimate Guide to the Awesome" or as I like to call it, "Ultimate Guide to My Heart." Watch it, folks. He's a dreamboat. OR, whether it be Wayne Shadd from Discovery's "American Casino." He is a public relations sex machine.
5:00 AM -- Consider calling up all the douchebags who decide to call me at 5 PM and tell them all the asinine things they say to me "What? You don't want to hang out? Come ON! You're in bed?! What are you, LAZY?"
6:00 AM -- Usually finish with work. Wonder how I'm going to make it look like I'm still working for another hour. End up feeling guilty, and asking for a new assignment. But then my OCD flares up, I get antsy without a sense of completion, and end up staying 15 minutes after I'm supposed to have left, to get a whole segment of the show finished.
7:30 AM -- Freedom! Now time for traffic!
8:30 AM -- Arrive at camp. Get coffee, make copies, take pictures of the kids.
9:00 AM -- Flirt with the helpers. They're legal this year, kids!
10:00 AM -- Make fun of pictures of the kids. Post them on the wall with accompanying captions. Children and teachers shower me with laughter and adoration. This is why I do this to myself.
11:00 AM -- Set up for lunch. Make a tossed salad. Brew fresh iced tea. Arrange the lemons in a neat design.
12:00 PM -- Teachers rush up for lunch. No one notices the lemons. They complain about the salad (I said NO baby corn!!). I don't care. Lunch is delicious.
1:00 PM -- Try to explain that I can't go to Kinkos, because I need to go to bed.
1:30 PM -- Arrive back at school from Kinkos.
2:00 PM -- Get home. Turn on air conditioner. Wrap my head in a pillow. Fall asleep.
3, 4, 5:00 PM -- Phone wakes me up. I need it on, because the power in my house goes out aproximately 3 times a day, so I rely on my phone's alarm.
7:00 PM -- Air conditioner shuts off.
7:15 PM -- Air conditioner switches on. It is louder than the lawn movers that crashed into the side of my room 4 hours prior. I walk across the room likea zombie to shut it off.
10:00 PM -- Start over!
Mind you, if I ever have to do comedy on any day, I have to skip camp, and sleep from 7-3, then arrive at the venue looking sleepy and having everyone ask me, What, you just woke up?! What are you, LAZY?
The perk?
I've been having the coolest/weirdest dreams EVER.
Ready?
Dreams involving me having sex with Jim Norton -- 2
Dreams involving me being best friends with Ralphie May -- 1
Dreams involving Dan Naturman inviting me and Felicia to Kentucky for Thanksgiving -- 1
Dreams wherein my mom has an affair with Bill Miller from my high school -- 1
Dreams wherein I slit someone's throat -- 1
Dreams where I shoot someone in the head for breaking into my house -- 1
Dreams wherein I'm so good at slitting people's throats, I am asked to save the Underworld, the portal to which, is conveniently located in Felicia's room -- 1
And there you have it.
I'm off to dreamland again.
Wish me luck.
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I'd hug ya if I could kiddo, but if I stop now I'll be late for my shift at wal-mart.
Plus dreaming about sex with Jim Norton has me a little freaked out about you. ;) I guess bald men just aren't my thing.
Keep on trucking.
Failing that, kill them all.
Posted by: Joe Cool- - - - - - - - - - - - -
The worst part really in people calling durring the day, and not getting the hint. Now I just hang up instantly, I don't even say hello. I bet half tho's calls are for my brother, but oh well, thats why god invented cell phones people. Other then that, I like nights.
Posted by: KingHade- - - - - - - - - - - - -
i guess the dreams of sex with Ralphie May are just too difficult to conjure up.
i agree with joe cool, do you but always be prepared to go postal. OJ would be proud.
Posted by: jayt11- - - - - - - - - - - - -
That sucks. I feel for you... whatever that means. But, at least you have plenty of opportunities for finding new material with this life style, ya know... if you are awake enough to notice.
And how fucked up was it that Dan didn't make it to the house on LCS? I want to kick Jay Mohr in the head... even if he had nothing to do with it. At least Jay London made it. He's my pick. But, if dat phan won last year, he'll probably be the first guy out this year. Funny people don't seem to succeed on this show.
On the bright side, I now do a pretty nice Dan Naturman impression.
Yes ladies, I'm single.
Posted by: in10sity- - - - - - - - - - - - -
I do a pretty good impression of hanging out with Dan Naturman.
Posted by: KitsuneAs soon as my scanner works, I'll show you.
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At least you have a set all night schedule. My schedule for the last several weeks - Sun 6a-2:30p, Mon 6a-2:30p, Tues scheduled off but work 6a-2:30p anyway, Wed 6p-12a scheduled but work till 1a, Thurs 8:30a-2:30p but don't start work till 8hrs after I left the night before (usually 9am), Fri 6p-12a, Sat only day off. Repeat. I'm like dead tired by Saturday now, so much for having a life. I also love getting full time hours, while being part time (no benefits). And my supervisor works the same hours as me, (except Fri) and she gets a little crazy when she comes in on Thursday, we don't get along too well to begin with, and a crazy sup doesn't make it any better. But I can't quit, because that would only make another person in my store happy, and I live to piss him off.
Posted by: Gisch- - - - - - - - - - - - -
You really are the perfect woman.
Posted by: Timotar- - - - - - - - - - - - -
The stand-up clips aren't working again. Why does this always happen whenever I try to D/L your comedy? WHY WON'T YOU LET ME LAUGH AT YOU???
P.S. I really need to get that job working in American Summer Camps next year... could you, like, write me a reference or something? Give me some tips on what to say at any and all interviews I may be involved in?
Posted by: 6-foot Hobbit- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Lauren -- the dream about slitting the guy's throat scares me. Maybe you should have some Dairy Queen and go see Dodgeball, another amazing movie featuring Vince Vaughn. Dude -- you rock.
Posted by: den- - - - - - - - - - - - -
all my dreams tend to revolve around me digging up dead family members as they complain to me that they can't breathe. needless to say, my day (late afternoon) doesn't start out very cheerily
Posted by: jed- - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'm going to go out on a limb on the crazy tree (like some sort of psychiatric squirrle)...
This is what I'm thinking that your dreams are trying to tell you.
1. Go do something that you have been wanting to do but have been putting off.
2. Address whoever in your life has been invading your space lately.
I think you'll feel better if you do. Or I could be completely irrelevant.
Posted by: Fizz- - - - - - - - - - - - -