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05/02/2003 Archived Entry: "People find love. People lose it. Everyday someone somewhere takes a conscious decision to destroy someone else."
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Lock 'n Load! |
There are two truths I know about love.
Love is a well-acted farce. And love is just a thing deluded people say.
I should have stuck to my instincts. After a bubbly fantasy childhood that I wish on every person in the world, something happened in my years of adolescence that made me the cynical and jaded individual you know and love.
Perhaps it was the realization that while my parents were the Poster Children of Perfect Parenting when I was young, they knew jack and shit about raising an adolescent and soon became overprotective insult machines.
I'm not here to whine, but what I'm saying is that my sarcasm stems from a lot of situations not unlike that one marijuana commercial: I learned it from watching you, all right? I learned it from watching you!
Mix that in with being raised by situation comedies and old stand-up routines, and you have me. Sarcastic, Scathing, Caustic Me.
In high school, I found a best friend. Since first grade, I had always been best friends with Kameron, but at times I felt more like a side-kick. That ugly, nerdy friend you bring along to make yourself look better. Although she's proven herself to be there more times than not, I stumbled upon a gentleman who was more like myself than I was.
Ever since the day we sat two seats down from each other in that English class, we've had one of those freaky karma cosmic bond things where you say the same thing at the same time, then crack up laughing at the same time, then kind of look at each other like "Woah, wasn't that weird?" and then crack up laughing again, then simultaneously comment on how "Wow, that sort of thing happens all the time with us, doesn't it?"
I used to have profoundly deep conversations with this fellow about everything, but more often than not, it all returned to the topic of love.
While we were virtually the same person, he liked to take the idealistic side of arguments while I took (surprise!) the cynical, jaded side. The Idealist in me was bound and gagged in the corner of my psyche, because Cynicism is buff and knows how to kick some ass. I still knew it was there, but I refused to acknowledge it.
This made arguing very difficult and heated, because everything he used to say made so much sense, but I would not let myself accept it, and here is why.
Cynicism is something that you control completely. Idealism is fine, but in order for it to work, you have to rely on the good in others.
I can stand on a mountaintop and flip the world the finger, and when they say "fuck you", I'll smile, because I was right. If I stand up there, arms open Shawshank style, freely sharing my love for the world, I'll be damned if anyone runs up there and shares it right back.
So this Idealist used to fight with me nearly daily on the topic of Love, and nearly daily he was virtually brought to tears because of my ability to deny all that he held true.
For years, he tried to convince me that love is above all else. One love, one life, one blood. The song One by U2 was his anthem.
He said there was one person out there that completes you. Understands, fights, forgives, loves completely and unabashedly.
I would argue that no such thing exists. You can't trust people to love one thing. There's always something better, something seemingly more perfect.
If television and divorce rates and my own parents and my low opinion of human nature has taught me anything, that is a load of crap. You see googly eyed people all the time, announcing how in love they were and arguing which one was Shmoopey, and then a week later they'd break up.
How idiotic! I never wanted to be these people. I hate looking like a hypocrite.
I had never been in love. Although I denounced it, I held the word "love" to the highest esteem. Since I didn't believe it existed, I wasn't about to inject it into common salutations like half the world does.
A couple pointless and frivolous relationships later where one dumped me for an Asian girl and the other just up stopped talking to me altogether, my state of mind remained the same.
This gentleman I used to fight with would resurface and inform me that they simply weren't the right ones, and to keep looking, I'd find him.
And soon I did. I found a boy that was everything I wanted. Friendly, intelligent, a little shy, inexperienced, and above all had a sense of humor that was exactly what I was looking for. The kind where a something simple affects you so profoundly, like a duck walking across a bridge as you drive by, and you just break off into hysterical laughter.
I've always found odd things funny - at times my mother comes into my room to see what I'm laughing so hard about for the past hour, only to find me in front of my mirror making faces at myself - and, rightly so, people just usually write that off as me being clinically insane.
But this boy understood it. He thought it was cute that I sometimes throw French Fries that have pointy ends away or that I could completely hate somebody just because of the way they spell their name.
I thought I was in love. I told him, and I told my old friend that I finally understood what love was.
I was fucking skipping through the pansies in slow motion, that's what my life was like.
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He cho-cho-chose wrong. |
One day, I noticed something amiss. Afraid to chalk it all up to my never-ending paranoia that everything that is good and right in the world dies or is taken away, I was reluctant to inquire, but it kept eating at me. I said nothing and silently watched his composure. In casual conversation he stopped referring to future happenings as "We'll" and started saying "I'll". We always had a joke that our kids were going to be the pinnacle of hilarity, and we would make them compete weekly and whoever made us laugh the most wouldn't have to do their chores. One day he told a friend about what "his" kids would do, and it was like that single frame in Simpsons where you can actually see Ralph Wiggam's heart breaking in half.
I finally inquired, and I was right. Something was amiss. It just didn't feel right anymore. I still love you, but I'm not IN love with you. I just want to see if there's something else out there. All the bullshit rhetoric you hear every fucking day that makes you say to yourself, all right, honestly, just tell me who you're fucking. I mean, I swear, people - do you HONESTLY think you're the first guy to say "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you?" I've heard it from every guy who dumped me (well, except for the guy that stopped talking to me… Wait, maybe he died… Wait, replace "maybe" with "hopefully").
At any rate, from that day on, love was a fluke. "You were in love," they all said. I even returned to the gentleman from high school, and having grown up and had a few meaningful relationships of his own, he concurred. "Love means different things to different people in different situations. I've been in love with different women in different ways."
This was unacceptable. I finally swapped sides on the debate, and now so had he. This entity I had referred to as "love" is apparently something that can disappear for seemingly no reason after three years.
Fuck. That.
Love shouldn't have a time limit. It shouldn't have any limit. Hopefully, if everything I hold to be true IS, I wasn't really in love with that boy at all.
But if that wasn't it, what was it that I felt?
Now I'm a very confused girl. Ever have a close friend and observe their little cutesy rituals with their significant other? Then watch them break up, and see them do the same things to the next guy?
I had a friend who did this cute little Kiss Attack sort of thing, where she'd jump onto her boyfriend and kiss all around his face really fast. He really seemed to love it, but then they broke up, and the very next time I saw her with her new boyfriend, she did the same exact thing to him. He really seemed to love it, too. His expression was that of "Wow, this girl is so cute and spontaneous," and I wanted to say, "Buddy, it's just part of the Mandy Boyfriend Treatment."
All the things I used to do with Sean, little tickles on the back of his neck, holding on to his elbow skin, they used to have so much meaning when I did them to him, but I was shocked when I started dating another guy at how easy it was to do.
Wow, I thought. I can still convey this affectionate message without any sentiment attached! How fucking sick am I? I'm just miming through the actions.
I couldn't figure out which relationship it cheapened more. The one I was currently in, or the fact that I was recycling a sentiment that apparantly didn't mean enough in my previous relationship.
I kissed my boyfriend the other day and when he pulled away, I was just looking at him up close, and suddenly, I got the urge. I said to him: "I am going to bite your nose off." And then I proceeded to do so. After a few unsuccessful attempts and an assurance that he needs that to smell (with the obvious retort "You smell enough anyway!"), I was suddenly shot into a crazy flashback land where I used to try and bite Sean's nose off. It was the most depressing thing in the world.
I then came to the realization that I must write up this manifesto and share my sentiments with the world.
Yeah, I will probably say "I love you" to someone again.
I will not mean it. Maybe I'll think I will, but I won't.
This is a sick outlook, and yes, it probably wasn't appropriate that when my current boyfriend informed me that he loved me a few days ago that I burst into laughter, fell out of the chair and rolled around on the floor. Perhaps I could have handled that better.
You may be reading this, and you may be thinking "This girl's just out of her gourd. I'm in love right now. Isn't that right, Shmoopy?"
You're not. I'm sorry. But you're really not.
She'll leave you. Or something better will come along for you and you'll be so torn and broken up about it, but you can't possibly let this opportunity pass you by. You'll think to yourself that you're a horrible person, but it just feels so right.
It will end.
On the off chance that it is something true and real and magical, one of you will die.
That's just how it works.
Sorry.
Posted by Kitsune @ 02:33 AM
*email* *survey* *wishlist*
Replies: 21
I just posted to say
I love you
I just posted to say
how much I care
I just posted to say
I love you
and I mean it from the bottom of my heart!
Posted by Tu @ 05/02/2003 04:05 AM CST
Holy shit.
Posted by sexy @ 05/02/2003 04:59 AM CST
most depressing blog entry...EVER :(
Posted by Simon @ 05/02/2003 05:38 AM CST
After reading that, I'm glad I gave up on dating. :(
Posted by Nate @ 05/02/2003 09:03 AM CST
You will say I love you again and mean it. Life has a funny way of playing that trick on you. =)
Posted by Money @ 05/02/2003 10:35 AM CST
a-fucking-men, sistah! its the truth.
Posted by karasu @ 05/02/2003 10:46 AM CST
I agree, "I Love You" is an overused and fake expression. I have said it many times, but only because society says I should be saying it. I have never been in love, and I don't belive in it existing.
P.S. I also do the pointy-nub-fry-throw-away-thing too, and all my friends think I'm crazy for having a pile of fry-nub's left over every time I eat my #1 from McDonalds.
Posted by Kinghade @ 05/02/2003 11:59 AM CST
Lauren, you're whole problem is you've over analyzed "love" to the point that it has to be a science. It's no more a science than "friendship" is a science. If you haven't analyzed that one to this extent then that's probably nexton your list. You can't say you don't believe in love and mean it. Love isn't what you see on TV, what you see on the streets, the movies, and read about in books with Fabio on the cover. You decide what love is. There's no real definition. There's different types of love. You love your parents (hopefully), your brother, your grandparents. You love cake. You love comedy. Romantic love is different totally, of course. You can love more than one person in a life time. Love isn't always forever. You can be in love with someone, they change, and you don't love them anymore. You can love someone, and you yourself change and that person may no longer be in love with you. Love is work, not magic. It's not like, "hey, I'm in love. Everything will now work itself out." That's bullshit. I've been with Tisa for 5 years. I love the girl than my life is worth. I'd kill or be killed for her, she's that good of a person. Just because we love each other isn't enough to make shit work out. We have our imperfections, quirks, issues, preferances, etc. that differ from each others at times. If you want it enough to work through these things, it's a good chance that means you love that person. I think you have unrealistic expectations from love. Contrary to popular belief, it's not perfect. Like everything else, it's what you make of it. I'm not gonna continue rambling on because at this point I'm just spewing out things here in attempt to fit everything in, but if you'd like to discuss it further you know how to get at me. I'd actually like to ask you something that I rather not put here.
Posted by Butah P. @ 05/02/2003 01:43 PM CST
I think everyone, at one point in time or another will find themselves using the same displays of affection on more than one person. Some of that stuff is just instinct, and comes out when the moment is right.
Posted by K80K @ 05/02/2003 02:22 PM CST
OK, first let me say WOW and I totally know where you are coming from. (Well, maybe totally is too strong a word - maybe not, hell, I'm much older than you, so I've had more time to think about this.)
I have always looked at the world with rose colored glasses. I do take those glasses off from time to time, because you miss so much with them on. I think, everyone has some good in them (even the most evil) and everyone has some love in them (even those hate). Anyway, here's what I believe and maybe somewhere, you might believe it too.
First, I believe that everyone has a soul mate. That person that completes them totally, just as they complete their mate. By complete, I mean everything good and bad, love and like, laughing and crying. This is the love doesn't have a 'time limit'. Even past death.
Secondly, the problem is that we very RARELY find our soulmate and even if you do that's no guarentee you stay together. Did I say rarely, I really mean hardly ever. I really mean, damn near impossible, if you count all the people in the world as potential soulmates. And yes, that includes the same sex which many of us wouldn't even consider, add that, to those that spell their name funny...
Sometimes you find them and never even realize it because... You saw them walking on the street but didn't have the courage to introduce yourself. Maybe it was that jerk that sat behind you in school and you swore you'd never speak to them -- and so you didn't. Perhaps, you figured you never find them; 'You can't trust people to love one thing' and so don't ever let anyone get close.
Sometimes you find them, talk to them and know that instance, you've found your perfect match (you've heard of love at first sight, it happens.) Then days, months or years later, you start to doubt yourself "How could I have found my soul mate? I mean really, the odds are against that possibility. Maybe, just maybe there is someone else. I don't deserve them (or the otherway around)?" - So you break up and then years later you think "Shit, wtf was I thinking?!"
Sometimes you find them and die the next day, OR they die, OR both of you die. Then you are reincarnated (hopefully at the same time they are) and have to start the search all over never knowing you had found them once before.
As for repeating behaviors. Well, either 1) you are insane or 2) if you follow my theory on this, your soul mate expects or needs you to be that way. So you are only doing what they need, but since you are not with your soulmate it ends up feeling stupid and degrading to some respect. Then after you've been searching for so long, repeating those same behaviors over and over, hoping for a different result each time, sanity kicks back in you remember that those little habits have chased others away -- maybe I should stop that.
My hope is that everyone will find their soulmate, including myself. In reality, I've pretty much given up any hope of finding my soulmate or I lost him years ago. And the most anyone can really hope for is to find someone that will be kind to them, treat them right and love them (even if only for a little while). Someone that can be a companion and/or a lover -- but hell, that's a pretty tough order to fill. And you have to work at that relationship. But, you can't give up trying... trying to find your soulmate or trying to find that companion and/or lover to fill those lonely days and nights.
Here's my wish that you find your soulmate or at the very least happiness with you ever you are with.
PS I agree with your friend BUTAH P.-- soulmate or not, love , friendship and everthing else takes hard work, compromise and commitment. If you have something worth keeping, you have to earn it. Sometimes it's not love, it's just what you need when you need it. ((And yes, ButahP, I have over analyzed this, too. Women do that.))
Posted by c0degr1 @ 05/02/2003 03:01 PM CST
Love love loooovveee you. Here here for the pessimistic cynics.
Posted by M @ 05/02/2003 03:30 PM CST
http://www.angryflower.com/ifyoul.gif
^This is why I don't "do" relationships. This comic exlpains what most people do with love.
Posted by Keri @ 05/02/2003 03:37 PM CST
Thats the spirit give up.
Because as we all know everyone who ever got anywhere in life gave up, the didnt stick it out and keep fighting, they gave up.
Look at the Japanese, Started losing in WW2 and sure enough now there an economic Giant.
So you just keep giving up on love, Me? Im a loser, so im gonna keep fighting despite the fact I know it wont help. That way when I find someone I know that my significant other will be flawed like the rest of the world and it will never work.
But Im glad you told me love doesnt exist, now that I know I can start crying right away.
Arekin
Posted by Arekin @ 05/02/2003 03:47 PM CST
Gosh, Arekin.
It sure is a good thing you took it as a personal attack!
It also is a good thing that you didn't read the last paragraph.
After a long conversation with Butah P, I feel need to rephrase.
Love may exist, but humans lack the trustworthiness to possess it.
Posted by Kitsune @ 05/02/2003 07:21 PM CST
That's a scientific impossibility, isn't it? Unless you've got faith in religion, in which I suppose that you could beleive that supreme beings contain it. What do I know?
Posted by boredom @ 05/02/2003 08:10 PM CST
Oh, and if anyone cared or was wondering, I'm being serious in my first post, if it comes off as sarcastic, I'm sorry, I didn't intend for it to :(
Posted by M @ 05/02/2003 08:14 PM CST
In my life, I've told one person that I loved them, and that was almost 7 years ago now. So, it's been awhile since that. I've dated lots of people since then, but never felt the same thing that I felt then. I've probably felt that way about a couple of friends in that time (one of which is married now, one of which I spend all my free time with) but haven't been able to tell them, of course, since it would totally fuck up that weird friends thing we all have going on right now.
I've sworn off marriage when I was younger but gave up on that. I've sworn off dating, gave up on that. I've never, ever bought into that "there's one person in the world for you" since it's too convenient that people that get married and say that are in the same town. I've wondered what people should do in the case that you're married to someone and that one magical person comes along. Do you owe it to both of you to have that perfect happiness together, even though you're destroying a current happiness to do so? Is your marriage destroyed just by knowing that other person, who is perfect, is out there and you're with someone that isn't quite as good?
Though it's a different situation, I know that in the future there are only 2 people I could ever live with again. I could live with my old roommate Jesse and I could live with my friend Grant. Anyone else would drive me crazy, the way those little things in people start to grate on you to the point that you can no longer tolerate them anymore. Just the way that when your new girlfriend says she doesn't like ground meat, it's kinda strange but you find it cute, but then eventually you want to smack her silly because she won't eat a god damn cheeseburger even though she'll eat a steak. Not because of the texture, just because you didn't grind the beef yourself and they have an issue with that.
I know I hate most people in the world. I don't care if people don't like me, everyone doesn't have to like everyone else and I've never been one of those people that wants everyone to like them. However, sometimes I'll meet a person and instantly something just clicks and I know I want to spend time with that person, as much as I can, because it's great to spend time with them. If I don't feel that about a person, then I know that I'll never be in love with them no matter what, and no matter what I think about them, they might never feel the same way if they didn't feel that initial reaction there (Go watch Out of Sight, the scene with Clooney and Lopez in the bar when he's talking about seeing someone on the street, that's something I agree with). People I love will betray me, and I might betray those that love me, but that feeling that's there, which is true for the time that it's around, I wouldn't trade that for anything and would hate to believe that it doesn't exist in this world.
Posted by Smackrabbit @ 05/02/2003 08:18 PM CST
Correct me if I'm wrong, but the last time I checked this was Honey Bee Manor, not Smackrabbit's Story Time. I mean, that had barely anything to do with Lauren's post until just about the very last sentence.
Maybe I took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
Posted by Tu @ 05/02/2003 11:56 PM CST
Reguardless of where it was directed it was a personal issue. human beings can know love, and just because you dont beleive in love doesnt mean its not there.
You gave up on love, Sokay, im not going to.
Arekin
Posted by Arekin @ 05/03/2003 02:38 PM CST
yeah...love.
being raised by tv and movies, i've always had this deep seated belief in 'storybook love.' you know, the perfect, love at first sight, happily ever after sorta thing. my cynical self, however, generally bitch slaps that belief around a bit and locks it in the closet. what's left is a neverending search for that one true thing that i don't really think is out there but i can't stop serching for.
in reality, you end up settling. you find someone you fall madly in like with. your compatible, have fun, talk 'til the wee hours of the night, etc. you call it love, because that's what your supposed to do. then time passes. you change, they change; i hear it's inevitable! anyway, hopefully you both change in ways that are still compatible. sometimes you don't, but either way, it's still an extreme form of like, not what i call love.
Posted by john @ 05/05/2003 11:41 AM CST
Wow. That was awesome, particularly the part about doing things done in other relationships and wondering which one it cheapened more. Takes a keen eye and mind to catch that.
I'm also really impressed that you wrote all that *and* currently have a boyfriend--Faulkner wrote something like "any good writer must have a sliver of ice in their heart," and I think you've got that.
Thanks for being kick-ass!
Posted by Jeff @ 05/05/2003 02:08 PM CST
