In case you can't read his chicken-scratch:
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers being dumb and smelling bad for me and my family imaginary friends during my deployment to Afghanistan Azeroth. We're making a big difference there. It's great to be home. With love and appreciation. Blood Elfs FTW!!
Thanks for the DVD [Dr. Horrible] and [Legend of Zelda belt] buckle for Xmas. Mom stole the DVD so make her give it back.
Addressed to:
Lauren "Stupid"
She knows how to kill zombies.
]]>But now that I've moved, I'm a bit closer to work and a bit closer to grocery stores that I can hit on a daily, small-item basis. Most influential, perhaps, is the fact that street parking is near impossible to come by, and when I get a Rock Star Parking Space, I tend to not want to give it up for a measly carton of eggs down the road., even if I DO get them for free.
I originally bought a $30 mountain bike off of craigslist that kind of only had one brake and looked a little like a death trap, but it got me from place to place. A few weeks after purchase, however, the tires cracked into a hundred pieces. I'm not even joking. This was an old bike. Well, one of the real reasons I was such a cheap ass about it was mostly because of the whole unemployed thing, but also mostly because I half expected to give up biking as a ridiculous and unnecessary whim. But my constant wishes that my tires HADN'T actually disintegrated was enough to get me to the shop for a tune up.
So I found a place relatively close to home employed by three delightful Mexican Americans who basically told me, yes, they could fix and replace tires and other necessary parts on my bike, but for what it would cost, I might as well just get a better one. They happened to have one there a guy had just dropped off, and I could have it for the low, low price of $180. I tried to haggle, but unfortunately, I come from the Peter Griffin School of Not Knowing How to Haggle, and I wouldn't have put it past me to try and get them up to $280.
They asked me what I wanted to do with my old bike, and I told them to set it on fire. I don't think they believed me, though, so I joked that I would leave it downtown for some crackhead to steal, and one of the Mexicans muttered that they probably wouldn't even want it. I liked them.
Now, I'd read up on the place online, and in addition to tales of bike-fixing prowess, there were a few angry reviews that this place was all about upselling and only caring about money, but it's like...can I blame them? They're a business. We're all just trying to stay afloat here.
It did, I guess, prepare me with to strength to politely decline ridiculously expensive headlights, helmets, and bike horns shaped like dragons. This is a huge feat for me, the person who usually buys a product if the vendor gives me a free sample, just because I don't want them to feel bad that they wasted food cost on me. I am also the person who recently bought a video game (on a bit of a sale) because the guy in the store next to me said he knew I'd like it, and I didn't want to insult his recommendation by returning it to the shelf. And he could have been watching me walk to the checkout, so don't even say I could have dumped it then, because I couldn't have!
Ahem. Where was I?
Well, after intending to purchase a new tire, and walking away with a slightly impulsive $180 bike, I ended up loving it and being totally satisfied with my purchase, and I've been biking to work and to my friends' houses all while saving my kickass parking spots in front of my condo.
Well, about a week ago, my front tire went flat -- a $10 inside tube replacement. I chucked my bike into my car and headed back to the store. They remembered me and joked a little about my old bike, and set to work replacing my tube, as I sheepishly walked around the store, picking up the expensive headlight that I actually do need, because it gets dark early here.
The owner set off on a new spiel, offering me the latest in a line of water bottles, and nice as I'm sure they were, I worked up all the images I could of me eating ramen for the next few weeks and comically out-turning my pockets, and I politely declined. A man came in while I waited, trying to sell off his used bike to them for a ridiculously high price, and they went back and forth for several minutes, in what was surely a polite, normal exchange, but seemed to me like shameless, unabashed, cutthroat lowballing on both sides. I could never be a salesman.
The owner turned to me and asked how much I'd paid for my used bike, in an attempt to help his argument, I assumed, and I gulped, hoping he wasn't giving me some secret sign to lie to the man to help the store with their sale. I said $180. I guess it helped? We're all just trying to stay afloat here.
When my bike was finished, the three guys came over to present it to me, and asked if I had any questions. I tried not to show my glaring bike ignorance, so I just mentioned something that had been terrifying me occasionally. Sometimes when I turn a corner or move my right leg in too fast, my pant leg gets caught in the gear, and I'm always able to get it free, but I'm sure one time I won't, and it will be the time I'm forced to choose between having my pants ripped off or careening into an oncoming car's windshield, or possibly both, scarring all passing motorists for life. Or...turning them on for life? You be the judge. (Hint: Scarring.)
Anyway, luckily for all of us the owner cut me off right when after I said "sometimes my pant leg gets caught --" and he exclaimed, "I've got just the thing for you," and ran behind the counter. He emerged seconds later with a sort of ridiculous piece of velcro and reflective tape, and demonstrated on the bottom of my cuff how to restrain my pant legs.
I'll be honest. It was kind of silly. I pretended to think about it, and, in the nicest way possible, shook my head, and muttered something about passing on it this time, but I'd think about it.
"But it really is easy to use," he insisted. "I'd be worried that you're out there without it."
He was playing hard ball. "Um, I think I can just tuck my jeans into my sock. It's really not a huge deal."
"Are you sure?" he pressed on.
"I'm sure."
"It's just so easy."
"I really don't think I need it."
He looked at me like I was crazy one final time, and then said, "I was going to give it to you for free."
Now I'm in another dilly of a pickle. Free. Free is good. But if I accept it now, it will seem like I was just holding out because I'm a cheapskate, which I kind of am, but seriously? Was I even going to use this silly thing? But free. It would be stupid not to take something free. But we're all just TRYING TO STAY AFLOAT. Is it even RIGHT to take something for free from this fledgling business?
Finally, I decided the least rude of two evils was to just take the ridiculous pant leg tie thing.
"Are you sure? I feel like I'm stealing from you." I said, sheepishly taking it from his hands.
"No, no, this is a gift. This would be stealing." And he grabbed an expensive lock, shoved it in his shirt and walked out the back door. I think he just really likes demonstrations. Or maybe he doesn't think English is my first language.
Well, I thanked them and went on my way, feeling happy that I had gotten a free prize for being, I don't know, a repeat customer? Not a mean haggler like the man in there before me? Whatever.
I tried the reflective velcro strap on when I got home, and it is kinda handy.
Maybe I will use it.
-I got a mystery headache that lasted 48 hours.
-I fell asleep at 7 PM, intending to nap for an hour, and instead woke up at 7 AM.
-I didn't get a job I wanted.
-I ate at my favorite breakfast place with Josie, a friend I met in Switzerland when I was 15.
-I ate free cheese samples from a cute cheese seller.
-I went to hang out with Melissa.
-$6 disappeared from my pocket in a parking lot in Malibu. (Treachery afoot?)
-I walked a long stretch of beach and dipped my toe in the water.
-I befriended a seagull by feeding him peanuts. I named him Spots.
-I chased off a mean seagull, Whitey, who tried to steal Spots' peanuts.
-I ate appetizers and had an Espresso Martini with Melissa at a swanky beachside hotel, where Bob Saget was also dining.
-A friend who is a singer of songs left one as a voicemail.
-I read some of my Dexter book.
-I played Little Big Planet with Lindsay, Aaron, and Kyle from Improv.
-I touched a live snake named Sammy.
-I ate a slice of a 28-inch pizza.
-I beat my friends twice on multiplayer Call of Duty 4! (Out of maybe 20...)
-I watched a Kung Fu movie where a guy punches his palm through an entire building.
If friends can help life go from such suck to such awesome in just a few days, I intend on being crowned Princess of Kitten Town (currency: cupcakes!) sometime next week.
]]>But they are now (sufficiently guilty enough to be) cooking ME a nice dinner, so all is forgiven.
Also, minutes after that conversation with Danny, he discovered my website while checking his email on my Blackberry and informed me that I swear too much.
So...you know...shit.
]]>Well, from what I can recall, the review was kinda depressing, so I'll try to make this one cheerier. But, I mean, I'm not gonna lie to you. This year had depressing parts.
Also, I realize how hideously boring these are for you, the reader, but they make me feel nice.
Here we go! 2008!
January
-After spending a week in Pittsburgh with family and a week in Los Angeles with friends who say they've missed me, returning to Japan is more difficult than I anticipated.
-Also more difficult and awkward is informing the internet at large that I have broken up with my boyfriend, which I skillfully avoid doing until the very next January, via year-in-review blog post.
-I go on a ski trip in Nagano, challenging my newish friends to death-defying ski feats on the mountain and calling them "Stan Darsh" in really condescending tones. No one gets it.
-It's pretty cold.
Looking back
-It's okay to tell other people you're sad, even if you're stubborn and you think it will make you look weak. Well, it might, but everyone needs friends.
-Not wanting to come back to Japan has jack on not wanting to leave it.
February
-I get second-hand invited to a Snow Festival in Hokkaido I had been wanting to attend, but didn't have the know-how. Old Lauren might have hemmed and hawed about people not wanting me to be around, and, oh, what to be done, but New Lauren was all LET'S DO THIS, so I did, and it was awesome.
-I ate some amazing foods. Who would have thought a place could be famous for Ramen?
-Japanese students graduate in February. Perhaps it is because they want to finish school before they freeze to death. How honorable.
-My parents visit. I wow them with my amazing Japanese skills to taxi drivers and waiters. Joke's on them, though, I only know how to say names of restaurants (to drive to) and names of foods (to eat up).
Looking back
-As long as you're not a total weirdo complainowitz, second-hand vacation invites are jim dandy. Maybe I don't need to hyper analyze every outing I go on, cross-referencing everyone's approval rating of me. Maybe I should just do stuff.
-Vacations revolving around food are completely normal.
March
-It is frickin' freezing. Kevin mocks me for being "so caucasian" as he happily chatters his teeth in his apartment, rather than complain about how cold it is.
-I learn to use my kerosene heater. I don't die!
-I almost poison all my friends by "salting" their food with MSG at a dinner party. No one gets my perfectly-placed esoteric Shakespearean reference.
-I take a spring? summer? vacation while kids are between years of school, and travel to Kansai with three friends. One is a Complainey Complainowitz. It's okay, though. I had fun, ate foods, and saw temples. One of the better vacations of my life.
Looking back
-Playing "2 Girls 1 Cup" at a dinner party is not kosher. What it is: hilarious!
-Planning vacations are fun, but a twin room has two single beds. A DOUBLE room has one DOUBLE bed. I guess I've made worse mistakes in my life. OR HAVE I.
April
-The weather starts warming up. I become a little more comfortable with the town, often biking around for lunch. It is delightful.
-I am also a little more comfortable with the new class of first years at school. I start to make with the jokey jokes. They are well-received.
-I get killer death allergies from Japanese Pine Trees. Every bike ride leaves me looking like I've been hysterically crying. Some doctor shoves tubes in my face.
-I am cured? Somehow?
Looking back
-Cherry blossoms are really as beautiful as every single haiku EVER makes them out to be.
-Mocking my mother and brother for having allergies and thus, inferior genes, in the American northeast comes back to haunt me THIRTYFOLD.
May
-Centipedes invade my bathroom. Bath time is significantly less fun.
-The Magnificent Six slowly starts to form, consisting of me, Gabe, Kevin, Charlotte, Dave, and Bex. I am grateful to be included in such a fun and unabashedly exclusive group of people.
Looking back
-Theeeese aaare the daaaays! To remember!
June
-The Mag 6 teaches me poker. I don't completely suck, despite certain members' ability to predict my cards based on my sneaky tell of giggling and shifting my eyes back and forth.
-I start practicing Aikido. It hurts a lot, and I can't understand a word the instructor is saying, but it's a great workout.
Looking back
-I should have started a martial art earlier in Japan. And I should get back into it now!
July
-After bitching that I planned ALL of my friends' birthdays, and no one seems to be lifting a finger for mine, my friends are guilted into celebrating my 28 years on this earth for TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT. And I got to wear a crown!
-I drink with my coworkers. It is awesome.
-I almost cry at my farewell speech to the school (in Japanese). I think they really wanted to see some waterworks.
-They come when saying goodbye to my friends at Narita airport. In public. I think I drooled on Dave's shirt. I MEAN IT WAS A TEAR.
Looking back
-What can I say? I am happy to have had such a great experience, even if it feels so sad to leave behind. I'd do it all again and feel the pain all again.
August
-Here comes the emo part. I make little attempt to overcome jetlag, so I play some pretty cool video games on my ex-boyfriend's futon, who has graciously allowed me to stay at his house.
-My ex-boyfriend was gracious; I did not date a futon. Damn dangling participles.
-I get so sad, I sort of don't like food anymore.
-I apply for jobs. I think it's weird that I haven't gotten any after a month. Hah!
Looking back
-Video games cure what ails ya. Especially if that video game is Grand Theft Auto 4, and you get to kill lots of people and have sex with hookers.
September
-Heh. Still no job. Applying to ridiculous amounts daily. Hearing almost nothing back.
-Discover awesome side-effect of not liking food! Not being overweight! I decide to actually eat healthy foods instead of no foods, and I start to exercise.
Looking back
-Okay, so I wasn't like ridiculously overweight, but let's just say for the past few months in Japan, I preferred Sapporo beer and battered tempura to, say, green tea and rice.
October
-SERIOUSLY, JOBS? Seriously.
-In an attempt to not be a mopey mump my whole life, I enroll in a TV script writing class at UCLA and an Improv class at UCB. I meet super awesome people!
Looking back
-I'd say I should have done UCB long ago, but then I wouldn't have met the cool crew I ended up with. Here's hoping we complete all the courses together! Three cheers for hilarity.
November
-I enter a contest to write a novel in a month, and I win! Well, I win the minimum number of words. The novel is still in production.
-I have my final Improv performance, and I don't suck! I don't think!
-A friend sticks her neck out for me, and I get a job! Being a personal assistant to an awesome lady.
Looking back
-Everything's coming up Milhouse.
December
-With my short-term assistant job coming to a close, I accept an offer to go back with my old closed captioning job TEMPORARILY. Passive aggressively moving to Japan as an excuse for why I have to quit might not fly a second time.
-I move into a new condo! Ex-boyfriend rejoices! New roommate is super great!
-I am thankful for all friends, old, new, and super-new, for helping me survive a tough time.
Looking back
-Ah, December. I remember it as if it were two days ago.
Well, that's it! I feel accomplished.
My new year's resolution is to eat a pomegranate. I think I will fulfill it tomorrow.
]]>Also, she hits my brother harder than I used to, back when I was bigger than him and thus not scared of return hits.
So thumbs up!
Please help yourself to pictures of this condo by clicking here!:
It has also come to my attention that I have not informed you dear readers of much of anything for about a month, really. Well, I can tell you that this has everything to do with my life being a nonstop action thrill ride and nothing to do with being holed up in my room, watching episodes of "Pushing Daisies" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm." Nothing at all!
To those of you politely querying about my unfinished-but-50,000-word-plus novel, I will throw you a few scraps of a few bones, but you have to understand that I am hesitant!
So I hope to polish it up just as soon as I can, because I spend about every waking moment filling in plot holes, retroactively explaining anomalies, and generally trying to beef up my main character who I don't like nearly as much as every single other person in the damn thing.
So there's that!
I'm going to update some Thanksgiving pics just as soon as I can, okay?
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Two of them are 11-year-olds, and Jordan and I were amazed at how funny they were. Who knew kids could make jokes? Then we won them over by breaking down in slightly inappropriate funky dance moves while the grown-ups sang Christmas carols. We're totally hip in their books.
The funniest part of my evening came when one of my 4-year-old cousins came charging in the door of the room where I was hanging out and screamed "Guess what? You look like a babysitter!" This was doubly delightful because this was only the second thing he's ever said to me in his life -- the first being the night before, when he informed me, "Guess what? I'm going swimming at the hotel even though it's night." And second because he has one of those speech impediments where he sounds like Homestar Runner, so it actually sounded more like he said, "You look like a babysitt-uw!" before running back out, laughing hysterically.
I joined him in hysterics, because non-sequitur stuff is funny. Is it the glasses? It's the glasses, isn't it? Is it because I'm awkward? Is it because I'm obsessed with Edward Patinson? The world may never know. Maybe I'll ask him what he meant when he's 11.
]]>In a moment of written or directorial genius, the camera cuts back to Robin Wright, still treading water in the ocean, and she gives an almost imperceptible sideward glance of impatience, as if hoping Columbo will hurry up and decide her fate. (3:05 if you're feeling nostalgic)
This image was burned so strongly in my mind as a child that it's stuck with me until today. I'm writing my novel on a story that has been floating around in my head for years, and I hastily threw together its outline on October 31st, the night before NaNoWriMo started. I soon realized I had bitten off WAY more than I could chew, and when you have a story floating around in your head for several years, it actually mutates into two or three stories. So I went through and RE-revised my outline, as I was tearing my hair out by the time I got to the halfway point because my characters were too busy making meaningful relationships with one another, and not having nearly enough sword fights, death, and plot advancement. And I wasn't even 1/6 into my plotted course.
So what was to be the climactic ending of "Act I" ended up being the actual ending of my NaNoWriMo novel, for this year at least. When I finally came to the conclusion that, yes, I was allowed to do that, there was much rejoicing and hair-leaving-in, and I could focus more on my silly characters' feelings and scenery -- stuff that sometimes bores me to tears in novels, but that I now realize is essential to the world building that makes stories so rich in my mind. Who knew?
Anyway, now I'm at the point where my outline is so precise, I have it broken into the gist of each of the final chapters, rather than the general "this happens for a while until this happens at some point." I take a few moments each day to go over where I left off in the last chapter and where I want to go in the new one, and it's always the same thing. I picture my characters where I last left them, and as I'm brainstorming -- in the shower, or on a walk around the neighborhood -- they're always waiting patiently for me to decide their fate.
I can see them, sitting under that tree, where they had to spend the night, and they're tossing an apple around as I throw suggestions at them. When I happen upon a really good one, it's like a row of dominoes, and my characters jump to action, everything progressing as it should to the chapter's climax. More often than not, though, I come up with a ridiculously stupid idea, and even while I'm grasping at ways to make it work, trying to sell my characters on it, I can always see them there, not really wanting to break the fourth wall, but kind of glancing over at me, out of the corners of their eyes, Jim-Halpert style, wondering if I'm really going to try and get them to do that.
So yeah. I guess that's how I write. Is this weird?
]]>This is my first year attempting it, and I'd like to make it. I'm well on my way and up-to-date on my word count, currently clocking in at 9,990 words. They're not GOOD words, mind you. You're supposed to leave editing for December and just churn out story. It's not focused on creativity; it's assumed you're creative enough if you're simply attempting it. The main focus is output, perseverance, stamina.
Well, so now that I've told you about it, hopefully I'll be able to see it through, or else I'll have egg all over my face. And we all know how much I hate that! RIGHT, GUYS?
In other news, here are some pictures from my first Improv Comedy show at UCB Theater. A good time was had by all. I wish I had taken more pictures!
]]>So, yes. I get fired up. I have always gotten fired up. I thought that was kinda the whole reason you kids came here.
I still love YOU, you know. I hate a lot of things, but I love you.
]]>You, kid. Yes, the one I added to my Facebook because I was your camp counselor 5 years ago. You're 13 damn years old. I seriously don't care WHAT you're afraid America will do. If it were up to you, the damn Red Ranger would be on the ballot, so kindly STFU.
Our children are our future, yes, but children are also very stupid. I should know. I was a child once, and there was maybe a week or so where I was also very stupid. Maybe 1% of them can actually slog through nonpartisan rhetoric and make their own decisions based on the best possible outcome for all the children of the world, but I'm wagering the other 99% are going with what their parents have told them, or what Mr. Jokey Celebrity told them, or who looks most like grandpa or a rapper. Just STFU.
The greatest thing about this country is our ability to make our own decisions as citizens, and most of you people are making me wish I lived in communist Russia, where candidates vote for YOU. I'm tired of your petty fights via status updates. I'm tired of you taking a stand because you think it's the cool one, and then feeling smug that your zinger made you a cooler person by proxy. I am SO tired of you threatening to move to Canada. BOTH parties. I have named both my fists "Canada" for the next time I hear someone say they want to go there.
You bragging about who you voted for and how scared you are if the other guy wins just reeks of a sophomoric agenda that you're out to get everyone else to like you. I don't have a problem with sitting down and discussing your opinions with friends or willing listeners, because then you will actually be questioned and participate in intellectual discussion, and it will look like you didn't just ask Chett McJockstein which political party would he rather date, and went with that one.
People are stupid. Families and friends are stupid. People who walk into a soiree and make fun of an entire political party without first making sure one other person in the room shares their beliefs? Oh, you'd better believe they're stupid.
This year, do your research. Go against what family members are doing. Make decisions independently of your friends. Listen to their opinions, but factor them ALL into the equation, read between the lines, and make the best decision for YOU.
You hold the key to our future, so don't fuck it up! And don't tell me about it unless I ask you! (I won't.)
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